I’ve gone backwards

I started therapy a couple weeks ago for relationship ocd. I thought I was doing so good and my therapist is awesome. Yesterday I had the worst triggers, ruminations, and compulsions I’ve ever had. It feels like the ocd has attacked me with everything it has. I guess I’ve pretty much destroyed my relationship with my wife over yesterday and today. I’ve tried to talk to myself, sit with it, etc. I’m feeling like I have no chance of getting better. My mind goes to worse case scenario and the compulsions consume me.

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

What I hear is that you suffered a mild lapse, but are aware of how to move past it. You have the awareness that these are fears, thoughts and ruminations. What if they are not good or bad thoughts, but just neutral discomfort that doesn't require you to give then attention? What is happening right now in the present moment? What can you do to keep busy so you don't engage the runinations?

Mountain123

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous It’s so powerful when it hits me. I try and try to tell myself “it could or couldn’t happen”. My breathing increases and I start having a panic attack. It over powers me so much. If I could just get through one time without a compulsion it would help. I did it on some minor things and was what I thought was successful but wow this one knocked me flat.

Hippest Hobbit

Date posted: 1y

I'm really sorry. I was doing really great for about a month and then I hit a roadblock and its gotten worse the last week. Just remember that OCD is always going to be there and some days, usually when I'm stressed and tired, it comes on stronger. We also though have tool to help us get through it now. Try to put the last couple days in the past and start new. Have a conversation with your wife and then try to look forward and make the best of whatever happened. This may have slowed down your train on recover, or even stopped it momentarily, but that doesn't mean your recovery is derailed. You can grow and some days in the future will be better.

Mountain123

Date posted: 1y

@Hippest Hobbit I can’t tell you enough how much I appreciate your advice. I’ve caught my wife in two lies about a male coworker. One she deleted a message from him after saying they didn’t have each others number. I’m so in love with her but I feel like something may be going on. I’m completely devastated. I was so happen and in love and now all I have is a gnawing feeling in my stomach. She explained she only lied because cause she wanted to avoid the typical OCD reaction I have. I understand that to a degree but why destroy the trust we had in our marriage. I’ve been divorced once because of lying and I thought I found a wife that wanted what I wanted but now I’m unsure.

klin18

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

Hey there! Popping in to say lapses are normal. I was ROCKING recovery until I hit a big lapse about a month ago. It sucks, but it’s normal and an opportunity to teach your brain how to react to its own lows. Life isn’t always going to be happy and easy, even in recovery. So I’m trying to learn from my lapses. You got this!

klin18

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@klin18 Also don’t think of it as “going backwards.” A lapse is a normal part of forward momentum.

Mountain123

Date posted: 1y

@klin18 I really appreciate that.

Catlove9

Date posted: 23w

I need guidance or to feel like I am not alone

I was doing so much better with my OCD. I thought I finally figured it out. However, the last two weeks have been a nightmare. It’s like I went from 0-100 all over again. And it’s become scarier than it ever has been. Every other thought is either causing me anxiety or turning into an intrusive thought. Any headache or feeling of derealization, and I start to spiral. My thoughts are becoming more gruesome and feeling more real. The intrusive urges are so bad it feels like at any moment I could actually just snap. It feels like I am about to go crazy. Another hard aspect is when I’m getting these intrusive urges it feels like I want to do it or I don’t care if I do it. I don’t feel like myself. I feel like this disgusting monster who is just going to lose it and I want it to be over. Why is this happening when I was finally better? It makes me feel like it’s not OCD and I’m actually this person and I’m just holding my true self back. I’m sick to my stomach.

Secretidentity

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 19w

Please please send advice

I had to do a new exposure with my therapist two weeks ago involving my boyfriend where I had to share some of my intrusive thoughts and I know that it hurt him to hear some of them I could see it in his eyes and now I’m terrified he’s going to leave me my ocd isn’t the worst it’s ever been but it’s now the worst it’s been in a while and I’m back to doing one of the compulsions I had completely stopped and now idk what to do. I feel like I’m in this never ending cycle of doing really bad then doing really good. I just want my ocd gone I want to be normal again and not obsess ever my relation anymore. Sorry for the rant I’m just exhausted from my ocd and feel super depressed and I think it’s from my ocd. I just feel like I’m spiraling

Relationship OCD

Medicine2021_

Date posted: 13w

Suicidal OCD and harm OCD

I’ve recently been struggling a lot with OCD. I have had OCD for a long time I just didn’t realize it until more recently. About seven months ago I developed panic attacks one day randomly at work. I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the hospital where they told me it was just a panic attack and I assumed I would snap out and be better within a few days. However it didn’t. Here’s where it gets scary, I was staying at my then boyfriends house while dealing with blurry vision, anxiety attacks everyday, and more (unsure of what was going on). But at some point I saw my bfs (pew pew 🔫) on his table and it sent me into an anxiety attack after sudden thoughts that I was going to hurt myself with it. I begged him to put it away when I’m not looking so I didn’t know where he put it. He did. These thoughts lasted for about four days but began to go away. (I thought that was it and I would be back to normal). Unfortunately though I ended up moving back in with my family when we couldn’t get my panic attacks under control in time for me to get back to work and pay bills. However, coming home brought up a lot of trauma from when I was kid. My anxiety got worse but I didn’t have those thoughts again. About two and half months ago though, I got sick and went to the hospital where they gave me steroid pills and a steroid shot but sent me into some kind of psychiatric event. Ever since then though, I have been suffering from harm OCD, I have had moments of intense anger that I usually have to completely walk away and go on my own because of how intense they are, and it feels like it’s getting worse. Today I felt fine until about and hour and half ago where I started to dwell on the fact that my suicidal thought was influenced by my OCD and at the moment my OCD is at the worst it’s been. This caused me to get suddenly really depressed and I started crying thinking about how I can’t handle this. I then saw a post talking about how suicide rates are high for people with this form of OCD and it made me question if I am mentally strong enough to pull through this. I fear that at times I’m getting worse. I have good days but I have a lot of bad days. Unfortunately this sent me into such a bad panic attack I went over to my nanas crying about how I can’t deal with this. I took a 0.25 mg Xanax which helped calm down the panic attack portion of it but my brain is still uncomfortably active. I guess I just need hope. I’m so saddened by this. It’s like my life took a total 360 in 10 months and got even worse since the steroid shot. Idk what to do about it. I can’t stop the spiral. I talk to two different therapist weekly and start more next week, making it 5 times a week. I feel no improvements…

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I’ve gone backwards

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