Harm ocd

Tw Ocd has always manifested itself in different forms in my life. The fact that this memory came to me literally destroyed 4 months of my life with constant doubt, fear, guilt, the desire to commit suicide. Living with this fear for 4. Months wondering if I really did it? If it really happened and I really SA’d this person or it really happened and the ocd is trying to make me look like the wrong person? The fact that the old things I did when I was little are coming back makes me even more scared. Sometimes, I tell myself, what if I really didn't have the ocd and I'd just really done it? I talk about this event as if I'd really done it when, I don't even know if it's true or not and that scares me even more because I tell myself that if I talk about it as if I'd really done it, well maybe I really did it? I live with this enormous fear of having done it and of being seen everywhere as someone who has committed a cocsa . My ocd deteriorates at night with suicidal crises. I don't have anyone to talk to because I'm afraid people will think I'm weird or judge me. I'm always afraid of tomorrow, I go to bed with a heavy heart and I wake up with a heavy heart and the fear that I've done it, I'm afraid of waking up one day and finding out that I've really done it, like why can't I trust my brain? Why can't I remember? And even though I know I didn't do it or I'm certain of it (I prayed for it and I received a wave of peace), I'll always have this doubt in my head and it will come back even worse . Every time I hear the words rape, assault, violence, I feel so bad and I feel targeted, if it's triggering me and I feel bad and I wonder if it has anything to do with my memory or if it means that I really did it. I'm French and I don't know if the psychiatrists here know this subtype. I'm afraid that my psychiatrist won't know and will judge me.

Hello everyone, forgive my bad English since it is not my native language, I have been suffering from OCD for 6 years now. It started with being afraid of harming my loved ones and soon it escalated. All of this leads us here towards sexual obsessions. I was abused many times when I was a child. I don't know if that had any impact on my sexual issues. so everything lead up to a intrusive tought of what would happend if i touch myself with a picture of your parents" and I ended up paying attention to the intrusive tought and i ended up doing what my intrusive tought told me so i said to me "OCD would make me touch myself for everything i loved so what, i would do it before the anxiety attacks" and I end up in a spiral of having touched myself by several photos of my family members, friends and even my own therapist all wanting to prevent future compulsions and anxiety now I only think about taking my life, I never wanted that to happen I am not a monster who has sexual desire towards my loved ones I fell under my own intrusive thought and the only thing I think about now is taking my life life for what I've done

Basically long story short, ive been dealing with anxiety for a very long time all my life I'm 23 now but about 5 months ago my anxiety started to get really and I overthink a ton and get worried to easily. So my chest hurt for a while from stress at work made me worry why it was hurting, then me worrying and thinking worse case scenarios was making it worse. So i and to go to the doctor and got diagnosed properly with anxiety and I have a med now that I take when I really need it called hydroxyzine but I also have another med that is Zoloft that I have been taking for a about a month now, to help with my intrusive thoughts I have sometimes i only get them when im stressed or when I'm by myself or when i just overthink in general, my loneliness depression is one of the reasons for my anxiety because I wish I had someone as in partner wise to love me and for me to love them. But anyways I've had intrusive thoughts about possibly hurting myself and family, or even my dog. Ive never acted on any of my thoughts in the past and I don't want to but I have had anxiety attacks when everything feels to real and really scares me. I constantly have the thought of am I crazy or am I becoming crazy and stuff and I've done a lot of looking stuff in the past about symptoms but most of them are identical to what anxiety is so it's hard to tell the difference. It's been probably 2 weeks since we last talked. I've been mostly doing good. But I just was wondering if had a little Harm OCD intrusive thought happen yesterday that targeted my Aunt at work she was complaining all day and when it got closer to the end of the shifts for us. I was already annoyed with a situation that happened earlier in the work day. But she came into my department and then went back over to hers and I said it out loud to myself and said you better get back over there or I'll, I tried to say something else because the word I was going to say was kill you. Obviously I don't but that's what my intrusive thought wanted me to say. And made me think thats why i got to hurt her to stop her complaing So the rest of the night I was saying she is safe I am safe I'm control, like this is just anxiety lying to you, it's just because I'm tired and got annoyed earlier. I can't tell if it was working or not because I was so tired and just wanted to go home. But after work her and I spent time together at our house she was on the one couch and I was on the other with a bunch of our dogs in the living room. I tried to keep my mind off of what happened, and I was fighting some stomach achyness already. But I obviously don't want to hurt her and we had conversations just fine. But I went to my other aunt house at night after work to go to bed because she has to watch my aunts dogs because my other aunt and family is on vacation. But anyways I'm trying to get over that word Kill, that word is what is scarring me and sticking. Like my anxiety is lying saying kill, or basically do harm. I don't want to do anything bad but I'm trying to shake that feeling and stickiness of that word. I'm just so scared and worried.