Seeking advice for coping with sudden loss and rising OCD symptoms.

Feeling super overwhelmed.. I think I’m having an OCD flare up but I can’t even figure out what the theme or compulsions are. I was diagnosed with OCD in April 2019 and was in therapy until February 2020 and then only had maintenance visits every few months up until 2021. My OCD was good so I barely ever did ERP but now I feel like I dont remember any of the tools/how to deal with it or anything that I learned. I recently left a psychologically abusive relationship with a narcissist (am working with a therapist specializing in that) and the stress of that is what has caused my OCD to flare up. It started with fears of my family members dying (not even at all related to my break up) and just obsessing over the situation and how to heal from it. Now I’ve been having insomnia, and my OCD has latched onto it as a fear and I’ll panic and cry in the night when I can’t sleep and then obsess over it in the day. Then I obsess over the fact that I’m stressed which makes me even more stressed. I tried doing ERP by writing my fears down in “maybe” statements i.e. “maybe I’ll never sleep again, maybe I’ll lose my mind” etc. and my anxiety spiked but never came down. My therapist is no longer in practice. Would a NOCD therapist be able to help me? Is this even my OCD or is it something else?

I have this irrational fear that my mom is going to ☠️(i can’t type the word because i’ll trigger myself but i hope you get what i’m trying to say) and i won’t know because i live far away from her and it literally keeps me up at night and i’ve cried so much about it. A lil context my mom is like my best friend I love her so freaking much and that’s where this fear stems from because i simply wouldn’t be able to live if she did pass away. This fear will trigger my compulsions so i literally need to check in with her almost every day and make sure im telling here to be safe and just being annoyingly over cautious with everything she does bcuz it’s like ahh!! don’t ☠️ mom!!! If i love someone a lot the thought of them dying becomes actually debilitating and feels like it’s already happened in a way even when their perfectly safe and healthy. Just death all around I obsess over, even those who I have actually lost i obsess over the fact that their watching me at every minute of everyday and i cant do anything that i wouldn’t do in front of them? if that makes sense? Is this a type of OCD?

Okay so basically I'm 18 (almost 19) and my dad had been sick since I was 14. Like REALLY sick. He was practically bedridden for most of 4 years. It was a really rare and terrible disease and we very much did not have the financial means to take care of him. In November he suddenly passed in the night and I woke up around 8am to see my brother giving him cpr but it was simply too late. The police opened an investigation thinking there could have been false play but after the otopsy came back it was clearly because of his illness. Ever sense I keep having these thoughts of "what if I did it and don't remember" but mostly my thoughts are "you heard something that night and didn't check on him." And I remember when I was falling asleep that night I thought "it would be easier if he just died. No you don'tactually believe thag" so it feels like I some how willed it into the universe or something. Oh top of that for the longest time my (very spiritual) family has always told me that I was special and I knew things/could do things that are unexplainable. For a while before he passed I was buying into a lot of the spiritual stuff and I swore I felt this "fatherly presence" following me around. I thought it was like some old god watching out for me and kept looking for "signs." But I also kept ignoring it thinking I would reach out later when I had the time because I was a senior in high school while this was going on and was very busy. So sometimes I even thing my father dying was like a punishment or ignoring some God. I don't really know, at this point I don't even want to be into all of that stuff anymore but I don't know how to stop when my whole family is into it, especially if some thing is mad at me. I don't really know, I feel very trapped in some unexplainable way by all of this.