Husband is not home today

@yessyess Thank you friend! It’s so terrible I cannot even comphrend it. Do you struggle too?

@Ditto I struggle with this theme. There are days where it’s easy, but it’s been hard. I have the fear of what if I’m a lesbian or bisexual. I wanted a husband and kids and it feels impossible. Before this, I wasn’t dating due to low self esteem.

@yessyess Ah I see. I say I’m fine with being bisexual as long as I can still be with my husband and not date women. I know that doesn’t make sense. I’m sorry. I feel you. Some days it’s so much easier and some days it feels like walking through quicksand. Are you in your 20s

@Ditto I tried saying I’m fine being bisexual, but it just doesn’t feel natural. Like I don’t want to be with women, and then my mind makes me feel like I’m repressing or in denial. I did so much mental checking and that backfired so quick. A month ago I made a playlist for my future wedding, sounds a bit delusional. But I was hopeful. I think a lot of it had to do with sudden changes in life. I graduated after struggling almost 7 years, so my identity was a student. And my sister and I were the last two ones who were single and she just got in a relationship. There’s nothing wrong being 28 and single. But so many people are now buying homes, getting married, and having children and I feel so far behind due to this. I grieve I never got to experience normal milestones due to this theme.

@yessyess I agree! It feels like trying to put a square block through a triangle hole. It just doesn’t fit, but my brain persists😔 Sometimes I feel so fraudulent going through my Life and making these milestones so it’s still hard. I think it’s truly a mindset and I don’t know how to get better. I’m 27 and feel the clock ticking because I want kids so I feel like I have no time to figure this out. Always feel free to chat here!

@Ditto It’s such a weird theme, and sometimes it generates some gnarly thoughts and makes me feel like I’m the only one going through this. It’s comforting knowing it has a name, but living through it is hell. It makes me feel like I’m lying about being straight. I sometimes wonder how the heck was I able to interact with society, mindlessly watch tv and porn, and have friends without being triggered. I miss my old self. You’re not alone, and I know without a doubt you’re going to be a great mom and see your husband be a spectacular father! Have you tried writing your values? I think I’m going to try and do that and remember my values when OCD attacks me.

@yessyess You definitely are not alone! How long have you experienced this? It’s been since COVID started for me. I had intrusive thoughts since I was a kid though. Never debilitating like it is now though. Looking back I did have some worries about my sexuality and future but I was never obsessed with it. I think I definitely have sexual issues with being confident so I know I have some room to work on with being confident in my sexuality as a whole. But, I loved rom coms, going on dates, texting guys etc. thats why I said ok, you’re bisexual then! But my brain is still not satisfied with that! I love the dynamic of a man and a woman together. My husband balances me so well. My brother is gay and my dad is trans so I really don’t care If people are gay it’s just not for me! It truly feels like I would have to take on a new identity and live a whole new life.

@Ditto I think I’ve had OCD my whole life. But this specific theme started when I was 15, unfortunately my family didn’t know it was OCD. I didn’t even know SO-OCD was a thing. My parents took me to a Christian school because I thought I was dealing with demons, I think that experience was traumatizing. Because I knew I wasn’t a lesbian or bisexual, but the thoughts were so distressing. I got better but the intrusive thoughts were still there. I wasn’t until 2020 where I had intrusive thoughts about hurting a guy I was talking to. I still remember crying on my knees wondering what was wrong with me. I googled it, it was the first time I heard the term intrusive thoughts and OCD and realized that what I was experiencing then was definitely SO-OCD and other themes. I was boy crazy, a hopeless romantic, and also loved romcoms. I was also overweight and dealt with eating disorders and poor self esteem and always felt too ugly for guys. But I noticed this particular theme goes on blast during uncertain times. I still remember before going to college having thoughts I was going to have sex with my female dorm mate. I have queer friends and never thought anything different about them, they’re amazing! but I just don’t see myself being with a woman. This theme is 😞😵‍💫

@yessyess My heart is with you! I love my queer friends and family so much. Isn’t this the biggest mind melt of all time 😭I really don’t want to be with a woman 😔

@Ditto I don’t want to be with a woman! 😭 sending you courage, you’re not alone!

@yessyess Thanks friend. You can always comment back here if you need!

@Fragile Hey really?! My mind desperately wants to figure it out 😔

@Ditto Yes, the more you react, the more you show your brain something is wrong. Whether you think about it or not, nothing will change. OCD doesn’t know logic. And for myself I found that the more I simply observe and don’t react, the less my thoughts have gotten. You got this! :)

@Fragile At this point I’m so lost in the confusion. I updated my therapy appointment for Thursday :)

@Ditto Thats a great step! I hope you’ll deal better soon :)

@Fragile Thank you. I honestly doubt I will but I’m going to try!