Lost Cause

I’m feeling super discouraged with my ERP progress :( I’m starting to fear that I have treatment-resistant OCD or something, or that it’s not even OCD :( I’ve got harm-OCD which it’s a tricky one to tackle bc it’s pure O. i’ve been working on ERP for about 4 years now but nothing seems to spike my anxiety enough at the time of the session. I feel safe doing the ERP, but when I get alone with my thoughts/idle mind, that’s the only time I get anxious. I’m super discouraged and anxious rn so any insight is so appreciated. xoxo

I’m 28 years old and I’ve been battling with OCD since I was around 8 years old. However, I didn’t realize it was OCD until a few years ago. I’ve dealt with multiple themes of OCD that are on constant rotation. Currently, I’m struggling with real event OCD, and moral scrupulously OCD. It has made this past week extremely distressing. My husband is aware of all of my thoughts and feelings, however, that’s due to my need to “confess” virtually everything in my life. He is never stressed about the content of what I’m worrying about, but unfortunately, that serves as temporary reassurance for me, and the cycle continues. This week has been one of my HARDEST. I have been stuck in a loop over the same obsession, with barely any relief. I’m self employed, and usually the winter months are slow, so I currently have no distractions to get out of my head. I can barely eat, and I go through multiple waves of panic attacks a day. I’m starting to lose hope that I can figure this out alone. I’ve never seen professional help for my OCD, and to be honest, it terrifies me to have to explain my thoughts and feelings to a stranger. What if I never get better? I guess I’m just looking for guidance, advice, etc. I’m feeling so lost and scared.

Feeling a little despondent because I had been doing better for a few weeks, making some progress and experiencing less anxiety, but I had a bad flare this past weekend after a stressful week and now I feel like I'm back where I was a month ago and that I'll never get any better than this. I think the worst part is that it feels so isolating. I can't really talk to my friends about it because they don't have OCD and don't understand, and I feel like I'm just burdening them with crazy nonsense and alienating them because they can't relate to anything I talk about anymore. I can't talk to my family because they're tired of having to live with me and fed up with me not making any substantial progress, and me talking about my OCD just makes them angry because it means I haven't been working hard enough to get better and I should be over it by now. It's worse now that I gave them the false hope that I was doing better, but every time I relapse I let them down and they're running out of patience to deal with me. I am an emotional and financial burden to my family and I contribute nothing in return. I can barely leave the house, I'm almost 38 years old and I've never had a real job or any interests outside of my obsessions. My family is pretty much the only thing I have going for me and if I don't get better NOW, my behavior will push them away too. I see people younger than me getting help for OCD and I feel like it's just too late, this disorder is all I'll ever be and I'll never be able to recover and have an identity outside of it. I am seeing a therapist but no matter how much they tell me I'm working hard or making progress, I just can't see it and I'm sure they'll give up on me soon.