Okay so I have been struggling with HOCD for so fucking long. I never felt like I had crushes on boys growing up but I wasn’t attracted to girls either (this was through 5th grade). Until 6th grade hit. I remember it like it was yesterday. I had the thought walking up the stairs and it was “You’re lesbian.” And ever since that thought was there and I fought it I have been dealing with all types of OCD ever since (been going on for 7 years). And only this year I found it was OCD. But it’s hard because I don’t know if I’m actually gay or I convinced myself I’m gay because I gave up and gave in. Now whenever I see I pretty girl I feel tingling. And I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn’t a lesbian so I look up pretty pictures of girls with their boobs out and I loved it. And I wanna make out with a girl so intensely. But then at the same I don’t wanna be in a relationship with a girl and I wanna marry a guy and I just desperately wanted to be like by a guy. But I get so horny whenever girls are in bikinis and stuff. But I have OCD and I’m so confused.

I’m so afraid I might be lesbian. I was very anxious at first but it started to calm down. I’m only 15 and I have a boyfriend I love. At least I think I do, I always chose to question everything and over analyze. I found out about hocd and it described everything I was feeling. I’d take test and read articles like “am I lesbian” but I have never fantasied a girl or wanted to be with a girl sexually or romantically. But what if I’m in denial? I do think girls are physically attractive but I never crushed on a girl. I have always crushed on boys. And liked being with them. I’m just so lost. My anxiety about it had calmed down. But the question is still there sometimes. Earlier today, I found a girl pretty and I got scared thinking that meant something. Then I read about women who have married men, but they know they’re lesbian. I’m scared that that’ll Happen to me. I don’t want to be lesbian. No disrespect. But I just want to be happy. I think I’ve suffered from ocd before. Tell me anyone if I’m wrong. But I used to have thoughts of that my boyfriend would murder me in the future because of theses videos that triggered me. It caused me so much pain and felt so real. That I eventually started to think I’d murder my mom and sister for no reason. I felt so helpless. But I got through it. I hope I get through this. Please any advice? Is this hocd?? Does anyone else feel this way?

Anyone struggling with hocd going through this: growing up (18 now) I've never had a boyfriend or even my first kiss. I'm super awkward with that type of stuff for some reason and just don't know why. So any opportunity of having a serious boyfriend I was always uncomfortable and said no. That also had to do with me not liking my body and thinking that a guy would find it super ugly and unlovable. So with that being said I'm afraid I'm a lesbian or bi and like I don't find boys attractive anymore. I'm scared cause I want to be with a guy but I'm afraid I'll never find a guy I want to be with and find out in the long run I'm a lesbian or something. I don't want to be with girls but ocd is kicking me in my ass. Telling me that only girls are attractive, picking apart anything I find attractive on a guy and it makes me sad. Also sorry for the tmi but I'm afraid I won't find a penis attractive and that's that and I'm lesbian. I know I have to accept the unknown but I'm truly terrified cause of my past that it is set that I'm bi or lesbian and just was too stupid to know it.

Hi just for reference, I’m a girl, I’m almost 17 and I’ve been boy crazy for pretty much all my life. I- I don’t even know what to think anymore, I identify as straight and enjoy thinking about men sexually and emotionally, but I can also masterbate to women weirdly enough? I’ve been diagnosed with pure ocd and I have no desire to have any sexual or emotional relationships with women in real life, and I’ve had hocd for over a year now, but I can masterbate to weird things sometimes and I know I’m not supposed to but I compulsively search things up very often and from what I’ve found most people would say that it would mean that I’m bi. The idea of being bi or gay has made me hyperventilate and cry god knows how many times, at this point I wouldn’t even be angry if I was bi or gay but I know that I’m not. My head keeps telling me that since I can masterbate to gay thoughts or lesbian thoughts sometimes that it means that I’m not straight even though I have no desire to do anything even remotely close to that in real life. This is one of my worst themes of ocd so far as compared to other people who have hocd they don’t get turned on or finish thinking about these things and I do but I don’t identify as bi or gay. I just, I don’t know what to do anymore? I was hoping someone on here goes through the same thing? And I’d really rather not hear that it’s just me denying it, I have a few people I talk to and occasionally when I bring it up they just say I’m in denial so I really don’t know what to do anymore.