Okay so I have been struggling with HOCD for so fucking long. I never felt like I had crushes on boys growing up but I wasn’t attracted to girls either (this was through 5th grade). Until 6th grade hit. I remember it like it was yesterday. I had the thought walking up the stairs and it was “You’re lesbian.” And ever since that thought was there and I fought it I have been dealing with all types of OCD ever since (been going on for 7 years). And only this year I found it was OCD. But it’s hard because I don’t know if I’m actually gay or I convinced myself I’m gay because I gave up and gave in. Now whenever I see I pretty girl I feel tingling. And I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn’t a lesbian so I look up pretty pictures of girls with their boobs out and I loved it. And I wanna make out with a girl so intensely. But then at the same I don’t wanna be in a relationship with a girl and I wanna marry a guy and I just desperately wanted to be like by a guy. But I get so horny whenever girls are in bikinis and stuff. But I have OCD and I’m so confused.

Ultimately, we have to accept the uncertainty, I think that’s the only real way of beating this. You have to become comfortable with not knowing what your sexuality is, because HOCD is rooted in your constant doubt and questioning. If we just accept the thoughts that come through our heads, hopefully one day the anxiety and stress that comes with them will ease. Sexuality is a much more complex idea than just you’re either straight, bi, or gay. Every single human being is a spectrum, and even the most Hetero people will somehow feel attraction to the sam gender, even if it’s just physical admiration. But because we have HOCD, our sexuality is something we constantly put under the spotlight and we are constantly examining. Other people don’t do that, so they just shrug off those thoughts and feelings - whereas we don’t, we think they mean we’re gay! Hope I have helped. I know i’ve given you reassurance but. Oh well?‍♀️ just try and remember that you need to just become comfortable with yourself and the idea of not knowing?

You can be sexually attracted to someone, but not romantically, remember that. Maybe you find somebody „hot“ that doesn’t mean you want to be with them. Many straight girls find other girls „hot“ and want to make out with them. There are even many girls who have sex with other girls but consider themselves „hetero“. I think we should separate sexuality and romantic „love“. Just my opinion. Maybe you get nervous around guys because of your low self-esteem? Because maybe you think you are not good enough, handsome enough to talk to boys? I hope I could help you a little bit

Thank you, that helped so much ❤️❤️

And like I have like guys before and I reply have only had one crush on a girl. But I really just feel like I’m letting my OCD take over. And at the same I have very bad self-esteem, and I wanna date guys. Like whenever I see or talk to a guy I get so nervous, but whenever I talked it a pretty girl I don’t care. I’m so fucking confused. I think my brain fucked with me. And I got so scared because I didn’t want to be lesbian. And I’m religious and I’m just so scared and confused. I have all types of OCD like you name it. And I have a therapist, and I’m getting medication soon. But I just want my mind to be normal.

Thank you ❤️❤️