Unnecessary sorrow

If realisation is meant to make you feel this low, depressed and basically done with life then it’s the most cruel thing to ever happen to me. I feel like everything has been taken from me and I’ve given up on trying to get what I loved so much back again. I’ve lost my confidence, my drive, my vision for the future. I had a wonderful career, gf, friends and family. Now I don’t want any of it, and I can’t even see myself getting it back anymore. I used to wake up and feel like the luckiest person alive, I’d go to work and feel the same. I’d come home to pure love, now it’s all gone it all seems like a fantasy. A dream that I had the chance of living it and now I’m being forced to wake up and return to a cruel reality. I don’t think I’ll ever get over this, I don’t want to get over it. I feel selfish for staying with my partner when I have all these new thoughts/feelings. I don’t know what is real anymore. It just feels like the OCD has finally played it’s strongest game and it’s won and I’m bored to death of playing this game with it anymore. I’m done!

I consider myself recovered from OCD. i still have intrusive thoughts but they no longer upset me. some days i really dont even remeber if i had any thoughts. I am so thankful to be better because it was SO bad at one point. However lately i have been grieving the 2.5 years of my life that i lost to constant intrusive thoughts and compulsions. It makes me so sad that i wasted so much time stuck in my own mind. does anyone else ever feel this way?

(Long message) Today I’m feeling guilty about how I haven’t reached out to my (ex?) best friend for months. Here’s some back story: So I’ve been best friends with this girl since middle school and she’s always been nasty, very opinionated, very explosive, and was the type of person to say that being a “bitch” was a part of her personality. Also she would make snarky comments to me, she just isn’t a nice person overall. So you can kinda get a good idea of what kind of person she is. Anyway, we were super close and we decided to dorm together our freshman year of college (yes I knew that it could end badly), and it was pretty good the 1st semester but I started to get more irritated during the 2nd, mainly about small things but it kinda turned into me getting annoyed by every single thing. This was last year. At the beginning of last summer, I had wanted to distance myself just for like a week or two, just cuz I had lived with her for a year and I didn’t want to get irritated further. So that clearly took a wrong turn cuz then she started getting mad about how I wasn’t really hanging out with her, I was always with my bf, etc. Meanwhile she had only asked me to hang out about 4 times throughout the summer and 2 of those times I was already out with my bf. Then she was always starting unnecessary arguments with me, saying how our friendship was one-sided, and at that point I just didn’t want to be friends with her anymore. But I never told her about anything I was thinking, and the reason why I never did was cuz ever since middle school I was always afraid to share my opinions to her in fear that she’d explode and get mad, so for me to tell her how I felt about our friendship was a no-go, which wasn’t the best decision but it is way too late now. Fast forward to now, I’m at a different college (not cuz of her), it is the 2nd semester and the last time I’ve seen her was New Year’s Eve, and that was the last time I spoke to her. I’ll admit, ever since the summer I’ve been having this one-sided conflict with her, just bc of everything that happened and also the specific things she’s said to me during everything that rubbed me the wrong way. Obviously she doesn’t know I have these feelings towards her but like I said, it is way too late to say anything, even if it wasn’t I wouldn’t say anything, and I just have to live with it. But I have felt guilty about these feelings for a while, on and off, but also that I haven’t reached out to her. She hasn’t reached out to me either though. This is literally what I wanted too, I wanted to slowly drift apart from her and that’s what happened, but I just feel so guilty that I secretly hate her and I won’t reach out to her cuz of it, even tho she hasn’t said anything to me either. I just had to get that off my chest, but is this considered real-events ocd? Can anyone relate?