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TRIGGER WARNING I have NOT been diagnosed with ocd BUT I am pretty sure that i have ocd and my mum called the doctors they said it sounds like ocd I'm 12 if this helps anything I struggle to even write things and i normally can't do work because i stress out i cross out the work over and over again i sometimes can't even put my hand on the paper or over the paper or something or whatever because then im "slitting my wrists" or "slitting my neck" or whatever and it stresses me out sometimes i get shouted at by my teachers for not doing any work or barely any work most of the time the teachers dont notice but then they dont notice me crying over it either I think ive always or for ages that ive mainly thought about things before I say them or do them like just so i know what to say or do but now its like I plan it incase i do something that could trigger me or would trigger me (i dont know if its because of this or because of different reasons but im guessing this because i have no other explaination and i dont know if this is ocd but i think it is) and i have to do "fuck off lilly no your not no you dont shut up lilly no your not no you dont" or "shut up lilly fuck off lilly" or like "fuck off lilly fuck off lilly fuck off lilly fuck off lilly shut up lilly shut up lilly shut up lilly shut up lilly" or "shut up lilly shut up lilly shut up lilly shut up fuck off lilly fuck off lilly fuck off lilly fuck off lilly" however many times it feels nesicary and what ever order feels nesicary I also struggle to get changed or unchanged alot because i start repeating it loads of times and if i dont i stress out. I think its because if i dont I'm "slitting my wrists" or "slitting my neck" and it stresses me out also when i walk like in or out of my bathroom i have to keep repeating it and walking in or out of my bedroom i have to keep repeating it or like up or down my stairs or in and out my sisters room and things like that and if i dont i stress out I also tell my mum mostly everything and i can tell she doesn't care its mainly my mum but i sometimes tell other people too and i can tell they dont care either and if anyone interrupts me i have to start again or whatever and if whoever im telling don't answer me i have to start again or whatever and i sometimes ask them if they listened or something or whatever and if they don't answer me i make them listen and then i say or do it again or something or whatever Sometimes I breathe weird or wrong then i keep doing it until it feels or sounds right or just nesicary and i sometimes do it with blinking too and i do many repetitive things because of it too because i didnt blink right or breathe right whilst i did it or i did breathe right or did blink right whilst i did it and it stresses me out I sometimes have thoughts and the other day or once or one time or something or whatever or whatever or something it told me that my house would set on fire or something or whatever I sometimes have thoughts about harming myself or suicide that i DO NOT want to do AT ALL and it stresses me out I think it has been really bad this week or something or whatever or whatever or something to the point where I got my friend to do my work for me (we were only supposed to copy the board) This is also it Ive had ocd for years they keep changing i used to do numbers even numbers then odd numbers then washing my hands now its harm ocd (and unplugging plugs but i didnt know that was a sign of ocd but when i do unplugg and plug in things i have to do it loads of times) i think about harming people and myself that i DO NOT want to do and i hate it it tortures me i have to think "f*** off (my name) no your not no you dont shut up (my name) no your not no you dont" i have to walk over or past things alot of times becsuse it "slits my wrists" or "slits my neck" and i dont want that to happen so i do the things and i even dont do school work because if i write things wrong i have to cross and cross things out and write them loads of times just to cross them out again and put loads of dots and underline things loads of times and sometimes i cant even put my hand on the paper because its "slitting my wrists" or "slitting my neck" and i dont want to put my self under that much stress so sometimes i just dont do it so i dont get stressed but sometimes i get stressed and carry on and then takes ages to stop and when i stop i dont want to start again incase it starts again and i get shouted at by my teachers for not doing any work most of the time the teachers dont notice that ive done none or not much but then they dont notice me crying over it anyway the worse part is mental health day or when they talk about mental health because all they talk about is depression i know depression is bad but why cant you talk about other things like ocd like eating disorders why cant you just talk about the problems im facing and what other people are facing instead of depression all the time ive told teachers about this my old head of year i told her more than ive told any other teacher more than ive told any one i think actually but theyre no help ive never been to a therapist or whatever you have for things like this i really want to go to one because i think i need one but i feel really awkward talking about things like normal things like underwear and puberty and mental health I feel like ill never be normal i feel like i cant have a normal life like bring up a kid and that breaks my heart all the time and that if i ever have a kid i cant bring it up properly or it'll look at me weird or that ill pass it onto them I hate what happens to me in my mind everyday it tortures me everyday I hate that i look at myself abit differently learning its a disability Now that i think of it and i really dont want to say this but a few times i have thought about people sexually any ages normally not even my own i DONT want to think like this I sometimes think about suicide but i dont know if thats an instrusive thought because i DO NOT want to commit suicide AT ALL I hate how my life has come to me not being able to tell my parents or anyone my problems i hate hate HATE IT i dont know what to do...

hii everyone, so, it has been about 2 or 3 years I’d say since I’ve been dealing with this. let’s just get right into it, so first, whatever I have (which might be OCD, I’m not entirely sure what it is) has taken over basically most of my childhood, and what kills me is that I’ll never get it back. one thing I know is that im not normal, i now get sleepless nights. why you may ask? because of my horrifying thoughts, “if you don’t look up you’ll be praying to the devil and you’ll go to hell!” “if you don’t say ‘God bless them’ their condition will happen to you!” “if you don’t say ‘good yetho 2x’ (idek..) ‘your mom will die 5x’ you’ll die and forget how to read. “if you don’t put your arms up, look directly up at the ceiling because if you look down you’ll pray to the devil so you need to look up, and say ‘Dear Heavenly Father, I pray that you forgive me for my sins in the name of Jesus Christ Amen.’ you’ll go straight to hell!” or whenever I touch a wall, i need to touch it with my small finger because if I touch it twice with my pointer finger my body will go to hell. it’s an endless cycle, and what’s even worse is that I may never be able to get help. I’ll never get that life back that I wanna live, and it kills me. I’ve named most of the compulsions and obsessions I have and I have 18 compulsions that are physical and about 5 obsessions that I really don’t wanna name right now. anyway, i really don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve done a lot of research regarding around disorders, and it’s safe to say that I may have OCD. Now, do i want ocd? absolutely not. however, there’s a family member in my family who has it. so the chances of me having it are strong, i don’t think I’m able to get better until I’m 18. an adult. I’m 12 years old, my mom has noticed my compulsions and me repeating certain words. but she does nothing, absolutely nothing. instead, she just argues with me over it. if I ever tell my mom to sit down and ask her about getting a test, she would probably call me the R-Slur and tell me I’m crazy. Therefore, I’m all alone in this situation with no one to help me. another obsession I have is about me catching cancer if I don’t do a compulsion or I might get paralyzed and get sleep paralysis. It’s so horrifying, there’s more obsessions and compulsions I have but I really don’t wanna name them right now. I cry almost every day because of how exhausted I am, and how much help i truly want to get but I don’t think I ever will. I’m unsure whether or not I have ocd, people tell me to get a diagnosis. but the situation I am in right now makes it impossible. i have no way of getting tested but I have a good feeling I have ocd, if you’re reading this, please try to give me your thoughts and what I should do, and if I even have OCD. Thanks! :))

I miss my life before ocd. When I would never wake up in a cycle of overthinking and worry and the moment I open my eyes till the moment I sleep, it’s non stop intrusive and unwanted thoughts. It scares me, I don’t want to live my life like this forever. I cry so much, as I’m sure most of you would relate. My heart just feels heavy, that’s the best description I can give, I feel like I’m just existing not actually LIVING. (Not an existential theme) I feel like I just bring everyone down around me, my mental illness has an affect on those around me and though I can’t help I am mentally ill, it takes a toll on me when I KNOW I’m hurting others when they see me so sad all the time, including my daughter… I’ve been dealing with this for somewhere between 1-2 years, which doesn’t seem like a long time but when your life is this constant never ending doubt every single day sometimes all day long, it feels like forever… I just want to be HAPPY. Is that too much to ask for? To just feel genuine happiness and not have these obsessive ego dystonic thoughts 24/7, or at all… I try and keep my head above water and just keep swimming, I wish I could see an ocd therapist but im sorry even with NOCD, it’s TOO EXPENSIVE. I live in Australia so don’t have access to Medicare through NOCD therapy… what options do I have. I’m at a low point, trying to function every day and distract myself from my head by cleaning, looking after my daughter and dog, doing little activities to occupy my time. But there’s only so much distracting you can do I guess.