stranger to myself

It sounds like you're experiencing a significant amount of distress and internal conflict. The feelings you're describing—fear of being fake or insincere, worry about a hidden evil self, and the compulsion to constantly monitor your behavior—can be incredibly exhausting and isolating. These thoughts and feelings may be indicative of a mental health issue, such as obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), particularly if they are persistent, intrusive, and affecting your quality of life. OCD can manifest in many ways, including what is sometimes called "moral scrupulosity," which involves an excessive concern with being good or moral. People with this type of OCD often worry excessively about being dishonest, harming others, or having unacceptable thoughts, which can lead to compulsive behaviors designed to alleviate these fears or prevent the feared outcomes. It's important to remember that having intrusive thoughts does not make you a bad person. Such thoughts are a common human experience, especially for those with OCD. The key difference is that people with OCD often give these thoughts more importance and attention than they deserve, leading to distress and compulsive behaviors. Here are some steps you might consider taking: 1. **Seek Professional Help:** A mental health professional, such as a psychologist or psychiatrist, can provide a proper assessment and diagnosis. They can also offer treatment options, which may include cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), particularly a form known as Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), which is effective for OCD. Medication may also be an option. 2. **Educate Yourself:** Learning more about OCD and related conditions can help you understand your experiences and reduce feelings of isolation. 3. **Practice Self-Compassion:** Try to treat yourself with kindness and understanding, rather than judgment. Remember that your thoughts do not define you, and having them does not make you a bad person. 4. **Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques:** These can help you learn to tolerate uncomfortable thoughts without reacting to them with compulsive behaviors. 5. **Support Groups:** Connecting with others who have similar experiences can provide comfort and reduce feelings of loneliness. 6. **Healthy Lifestyle Choices:** Regular exercise, a balanced diet, and adequate sleep can improve overall mental health and help you manage stress. It's very positive that you refuse to believe things will always be this way. That determination can be a powerful force in seeking help and working toward recovery. Change is possible, and many people with similar struggles have found relief through treatment and support. You deserve to live a life free from the burden of constant self-doubt and fear, and with the right help, you can move toward that goal.

Look man I understand what you are going through. Something that really helped me was to read about Carl Jung psychology. Long story short he has a term for "the shadow", basically we have these aspects of our personality that are "bad". Understand that it is normal, humans we have impulses and desires that we may think are wrong or evil. Understand that not because you have a "bad" thought it means you are evil. Who has not lied, or gossiped, or had some not so normal sexual compulsion. Believe that everyone has a shadow. Everyone wears a mask for society for the rules and morality and ethics depending on your culture and society. What may be acceptable in your country or culture may not be acceptable in other countries. Know that just because you have a thought it doesn't make you a bad person. I know it may be hard to believe it, it took me a long time to understand it. The only thing i can tell you is be compassionate to yourself. You have done nothing wrong, having intrusive and "bad" thoughts is just that, thoughts. They just appear and disappear. What happens is that with our OCD we cling onto them and start believing them. Something that has helped me not cling to these thoughts is 1. Write them all down, your darkest deepest and most "obscene" thoughts. And then you will see that you don't really want to do those things and they are just repressed things that you clinged onto and once you let it out you will understand them better. (I was very paranoid just like you that people would know what I was thinking, or that someone would find the paper where I wrote it down and think I was crazy) just get rido of it, tear it, burn it, write it with such bad and unreadable letters that no one can decipher it. Once I got rid of those thoughts symbolically and physically I stopped clinging to a lot of them because I was like I don't really believe i want to do this. 2. Whenever you get a "bad thought" talk to yourself and say: "I decide to let it go." "Or maybe but I will go back to my life." For example: "I want to abandon my cat and leave it to die" instead of clinging to it and trying to police your own morality and think you are a bad person for thinking that just tell yourself: "i decide to let this thought go" "maybe but I love my cat and I will go back to my life" part of it is acknowledging the thought and instead of ruminating and obsessing over it by telling yourself you are letting it go you stop thinking of it and you think of the words which helps change to a different thought. This is what has worked for me and by no means it is easy, it takes a lot of self compassion and awareness but the more you do it the easier it gets. It won't be like this your whole life, it is a process and it has ups and downs but it does get better. Good luck.