I need help

Tw Ocd has always manifested itself in different forms in my life. The fact that this memory came to me literally destroyed 4 months of my life with constant doubt, fear, guilt, the desire to commit suicide. Living with this fear for 4. Months wondering if I really did it? If it really happened and I really SA’d this person or it really happened and the ocd is trying to make me look like the wrong person? The fact that the old things I did when I was little are coming back makes me even more scared. Sometimes, I tell myself, what if I really didn't have the ocd and I'd just really done it? I talk about this event as if I'd really done it when, I don't even know if it's true or not and that scares me even more because I tell myself that if I talk about it as if I'd really done it, well maybe I really did it? I live with this enormous fear of having done it and of being seen everywhere as someone who has committed a cocsa . My ocd deteriorates at night with suicidal crises. I don't have anyone to talk to because I'm afraid people will think I'm weird or judge me. I'm always afraid of tomorrow, I go to bed with a heavy heart and I wake up with a heavy heart and the fear that I've done it, I'm afraid of waking up one day and finding out that I've really done it, like why can't I trust my brain? Why can't I remember? And even though I know I didn't do it or I'm certain of it (I prayed for it and I received a wave of peace), I'll always have this doubt in my head and it will come back even worse . Every time I hear the words rape, assault, violence, I feel so bad and I feel targeted, if it's triggering me and I feel bad and I wonder if it has anything to do with my memory or if it means that I really did it. I'm French and I don't know if the psychiatrists here know this subtype. I'm afraid that my psychiatrist won't know and will judge me.

I went out 2 years ago with some friends and I can’t remember some of the night - we went to a house party and my friends say nothing happened but I’m so afraid that I cheated on my partner and don’t remember it. It’s consuming my every minute and I can’t let it go. I was reading up on false memory ocd the other day and it triggered me into thinking what if something I imagined happening actually happened and I don’t know what to do and I’m scared that because I imagined something a certain way that if it wasn’t the same thing I imagined that it must be true

Please help me. I need support. I just need someone to be up front with me. Tell me the truth. I want to get past it all. I'm struggling STRUGGLING today. My mind is telling me I'm the only one who is dealing with something like this. Idk why I did my biggest fear. I was put on a new medication when this happened which caused me to spiral, my thoughts to be more often, and have insomnia. I have been diagnosed with POCD as well. I woke up in the middle of the night when my child was laying completely cross my chest. I was breathing and having groinal sensations. My mind told me that I assaulted her by this, and I was going to prison for it. My thoughts started going like this, "you're already bad might as well do something else", "no sense in stopping now" "you can finally do what you've always wanted", "what would you do if you could do anything to cause harm" So I had to think of what to do in the moment. The only thing I could think to do was move my elbow towards my child's groin. In the moment it felt like I really wanted to do this. I proceeded to do so, and my elbow touched her groin. I immediately told my child to move off me. I then went back to sleep. When I woke up, I began panicking, confessing to a family member what happened, and crying immensely. I feel like I failed as a mother. I'm in such distress since I started sleeping on the floor to avoid it from happening again, and I got off the medication. I'm so much better OCD wise since I got off the meds. I was the BEST mom months ago before this happened. The thoughts have always bothered me, and I was always scared I would give in and act on them. I'm living my worst nightmare. I feel alone. Felt so wanted in the moment and SO real. Ugh. Could someone just give me some support? (edited)