POCD spiral

I just went on an internet spiral. Obviously it is one of my compulsions. I was researching about pedos and the criteria. I even went as far to almost sign up for a pedo support group because obviously I was convinced after my research. UGH I knew I was not supposed to do that. I feel worse and better at the same time. I hate myself. I hate this. I was really bad like this in October but I got put on medication and I thought I was getting better then this happened. I hate this. I don’t know who I am. I don’t want to be a pedo but sometimes I think I am in denial. I am so stressed with this and school (it’s mid term season). Literally this is the same time I had a break down last semester. I am seeing a pattern. I hate this I hate myself.

Username: JessIsConfusedJessIsConfused

Date posted: 45w ago

Also a main thing that scares me as well is how upset my friends and family would be of me if they found out. I really value kindness in myself. I try to make everyone around me feel loved and heard. If they found out about my thoughts they would be so horrified. It’s so unlike me

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 45w ago

@JessIsConfused My therapist shared with me that EVERYONE has these kinds of thoughts — with or without OCD. The struggle we have as a result of OCD is that these thoughts tend to stick/cause us more anxiety. The part of our brain that is the “fight or flight” function, malfunctions and we think our thoughts must mean certain doom. I want to commend you for recognizing your compulsions. This is a fundamental part of recovery. None of us can get better unless we first identify the barriers. We slip up from time to time and give into compulsions but what matters is that you continue to try to put them aside. You can do this!

Username: mamakitkatbirdmamakitkatbird

Date posted: 45w ago

Just my thoughts: it doesn’t sound like you are acting on these thoughts. POCD isn’t something I currently struggle with but something I now realize I struggled with for a short time as a child but overcame because of my religious beliefs as I slowly learned that those thoughts weren’t true. As in, those thoughts were originating because of discoveries/confessions and imprisonments of people I learned were pedophiles that played significant roles in my life but that I was never, to my knowledge, involved in an incident with. However, when I was a little girl finding this stuff out, it caused me to spiral into that mindset that you’ve described which led me down a similar rabbit hole for years but I was a pre-teen who was clueless about sexuality. Because my brain was formulating untrue assumptions about myself, I truly thought that if those individuals that I cared so much about did commit those awful acts than anyone is truly capable of anything. Anyways, don’t hate yourself. Just remember it’s not you. It’s the OCD. You are not an abuser to children nor will you ever be one if you are able to learn the coping skills you need to realize you have the strength and the character to treat children as children and only see them in the light and innocence in which they are meant to be seen. (I obviously don’t know anything about your beliefs but this is what I believe to be true and it has helped me never fall into a POCD spiral since I realized that I would never jeopardize the safety of any child and have no desire to look at them the same way a real pedophile does (which I cannot comprehend)) I really hope this helps you feel less alone. Oh and I don’t google anything related to any of my intrusive thoughts unless it’s related to one of my confirmed health diagnosis. It’s not worth the headaches or spirals. One other thing: don’t waste your time or life hating yourself It’s ok to want to change the parts of yourself that you struggle significantly with But (I believe) that God loves us so much and He loves you (even if you aren’t a believer) and He wants to see you prosper and cast your worries to him. I’ve found that all it takes sometimes is the faith of a mustard seed.

Username: The real yeerhaw The real yee...

Date posted: 45w ago

Do not beat yourself up. This will make things worse. If I can have compassion on you, why can’t you have compassion on yourself? You’ve just had a really negative experience, be kind to you. This is just one of the many waves of anxiety you’re going to go through in your life. *breathe*, it will pass. Don’t they eventually always?

Username: letsgo

Date posted: 5y ago

Just went down a rabbit hole of googling a lot of stuff for almost 2 hours about pedophilia. And now I’ve got my self scared. I haven’t done it this bad in almost 2 months. I hate this. I was diagnosed with OCD, but some stuff I masturbated to a while back when I had a slight porn addiction is giving me proof. (Not actual children by the way) I’ve had OCD my whole life, and I’m starting to wonder if when I had thoughts about children before my huge spike if they were also intrusive, and I just didn’t care much about them then? Why would I just start caring now. I’m so broken.

POCD

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 5y ago

I used to have Harm OCD but ever since I watched that Black Mirror episode called “Shut Up and Dance” my obsession has been on POCD. For a long time I was petrified of typing “child porn” into google so I did a lot of avoiding. But then I started trying to get reassurance that nothing bad would pop up if you googled it anyway. I got so fed up with the thought that I ended up typing it in myself. I felt disgusted and guilty, and was naive enough to think I would at least no longer have to worry about typing that anymore. But then all these what ifs pooped up like “you didn’t check Bing, Twitter, Yahoo, etc”. So I ended up checking again to ensure myself that nothing would pop up. Then it got worse where I typed in some really disgusting things into google again because I just couldn’t handle the anxiety and uncertainty. I felt stupid every time and powerless. I managed to go about a week without checking but today an intrusive memory came back about a youtube link that had a questionable title in it when I google searched. So ended up going back and checked the video only to of course see that it was nothing horrible. I feel scared and paranoid. Like I have no control of myself. I hate this compulsion and I can’t love myself for doing all this. I’ve suffered from groinal responses and other sexual intrusive thoughts involving this theme but I just want someone to tell me I’m being paranoid. My mind won’t shut up about all this. It just wants me to keep checking and checking to make sure google is safe. How can I possibly love myself after all this? I don’t want this but the anxiety is unbearable and I can barely breathe. I didn’t think it would ever get this bad and it feels like even when I resist OCD wins anyway... or at least I hope it’s OCD.

POCD

Username: ELO

Date posted: 5y ago

POCD TRIGGER Years ago I once read someone’s post on another website who had looked up child pornography because their intrusive thoughts were getting them so much that they just figured that they were that way inclined. And they said that they pleasured themselves to this and then felt horrible and sick and guilty. I felt sorry for this person as they were clearly suffering from OCD and were not a pedophile. For some reason, this has entered my head today as I already have the fear of police scanning what I write on here and coming for me with them getting the wrong idea of me. Then I think the police would of definitely have went for that person as seeing that on their search list on their computer ID etc. Then came the fear of ‘what if I have done that and searched for that’. But that’s something you would know if you had done I’m telling myself.

POCD

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