- Username
- Anonymous
- Date posted
- 41w ago
Health/death OCD newbie
Hi all, I’m new here. For the past 5ish years of my life I have lived with what I called health anxiety but recently have been researching more into OCD and I’m wondering if that’s what I might actually suffer from. I have tried multiple different therapists and types of therapy (mostly CBT and talk) but nothing has helped me. Every day I think about death and it plagues most of my thoughts in any given scenario. Usually I think about it in terms of myself because I am terrified of dying young but slightly less often I obsess over losing my husband as well. For myself this usually manifests as thinking I have specific diseases (cancer, bone disease, heart conditions, brain tumors) that are undiagnosed and underlying. I am doing constant checks and googling of my symptoms and thinking about what will happen after I die and how it will affect my loved ones and everything around me. I also become very triggered when I hear about young people dying and whenever I hear something like that or see something on social media about death or disease I think it’s a sign from the universe about myself and I spiral. I am terrified of the doctor so I actually haven’t been in a very long time but I have been trying to talk myself into getting blood tests. I’m just terrified of hearing what I feel are going to be bad results. I try not to think about my thoughts because I also have thoughts that thinking this way will manifest bad health even if I don’t already have it so then I become in an obsessive loop of thinking and then thinking about not thinking and then thinking about thinking about not thinking … I don’t know if any of this makes sense and I don’t know what I can do at this point but I am just so so exhausted of living my life this way so here is my word vomit.