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I’m really sorry this sounds awful 😢 I’ve noticed that when my mind is idle-meaning that when I have intrusive thoughts and I’m not busy with something they become worse. I know that it’s very very difficult and frustrating I’ve been dealing with intrusive thoughts as well. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy with activities like reading or listening to music

It seems OCD has occupied you by gaining your attention. During such flare ups, it is best to sit in the discomfort and do nothing about it. It feels very scary, and may even get you into a panic attack. But trust me, right now you are obsessing over it and that's what OCD wants from you. You are looking for an answer and I am sorry there are none. OCD has successfully activated the fight and flight response and your body is experiencing danger as if it's real, when it's really not. Allow the discomfort to be there. And sit with it. Don't try to solve anything. Please just stay with the discomfort and trust me it will fade away. You don't have to imagine anything, and I know it's not easy. I understand, it's not supposed to be easy. The feeling of distress is just terrible. But this is the way you claim your power back. I hope you are okay. And I hope you do nothing about this and instead sit with the discomfort. If you want to talk more about it, just let me know. Stay safe.

It sounds like you are identifying with these intrusive thoughts and questioning what they mean about you. That is exactly what keeps OCD going. The more you can just notice you are having a meaningless thought and deal with the fact that for now they may make you uncomfortable the sooner you will be putting those thoughts in the perspective they deserve. Basically junk thoughts.

Sounds like you want to control your thoughts, you can’t. Only your response to them. They are intrusive thoughts so you don’t plan them. Try and see them as just junk thoughts.