I have a list of people I’ve “raped” or atleast think I’ve raped and it includes children back from when I was a childcare teacher and it’s killing me, i have these memories of these things happening and these flashbacks of maybe me hurting someone and I can’t tell what’s real and what my brain is making up. It physically hurts me to think I might’ve done these things and I can’t live with myself
Not “memories” and “flashbacks” — intrusive thoughts in image form. How long have you been keeping this list for? And are you still adding new names to it? Please stop doing that because that’s a compulsion that keeps your ocd alive. Do you have any professional help with your ocd? It sucks that it makes us believe these things but it’s very common for ocd to make us doubt our senses and logical brain. Like “I KNOW the door is locked but I still think it isn’t” kind of thing. I just had a convo with someone who bumped into another car while parking. She found the owner who inspected the car and couldn’t find any new scratches or bumps but this person I’m talking to has now convinced herself that she committed a hit and run. She believes this 100%. Still her belief doesn’t make it any more real than the fantasy that it is.
@hen7 Thank you so much they are intruisve thoughts in image form and you’re right about everything thank you so much for your comment it’s really appreciated
@hen7 And I do have professional help I have a psychologist whom I speak to but it’s not fully helping 😔
@izabela’socd Glad it helps! ❤️ If you can, find a therapist who has thorough knowledge of how ocd works and who knows how to guide you through Exposure and Response Prevention therapy (ERP). This therapy will help you to not take every thought you have as truth and most importantly: to not take action on them. (like analysing, replaying scenarios and writing lists)
I also have a long detailed list or like notes of who I think I’ve harmed and how and when on my notes app. I’ve been fully convinced I raped children, SA my friends etc. I also used to have false memories of murdering people who even didn’t exist in the first place Anyway point is I genuinely feel for the living HELL your in right now💔
@Don’tLoveDrama-itLovesMe You get what I’m living with! Thank you so much, someone who relates
https://unstuckmyocd.com/ (an Ai app that cost $7 a month but one free trial for a week) Something my therapist told me for mental compulsions is don’t just try to repress the thoughts OR take them seriously Recognize without judgement (sounds weird to sorta respect thoughts about hurting others haha but bear with me) All of your thoughts/brain in general is a Library. You can pick up a book you see and read the title without reading the whole book right? So basically do not “Check-Out” intrusive thoughts or mental compulsions Just gently put it back on the shelf. WAAAY EASIER SAID THAN DONE HAHA I’m still working on how to resist confessing myself (insert hunger games salute)
@Don’tLoveDrama-itLovesMe You’re right, putting it back on the shelf is the right thing to do thank you so much for helping, genuinely
@izabela’socd Happy to help it gives me purpose🫡💞
These false memories are hell on earth, I’m so sorry.
@LillyX Thank you, one day I hope I get better
I have this memory of playing with my childhood friend like lifting him up in the air putting him back down just playing. And my brain is taking that memory and saying I had sex with him or I humped him or something like that. It makes me sick to my stomach to think I had sex or raped a little boy. I’m scared. Please give me some advice
I feel like I’m at the end of my ropes. I feel sick to my stomach that my false memories might be real. I have so many memories of assaulting children and raping people that I can’t tell if it’s real or fake but it FEELS REAL. IT FEELS LIKE A REAL MEMORY AND EVERYONE AROUND ME THINKS ITS JUST IN MY HEAD. I can’t continue thinking I did something so egodystonic. It makes me physically ill. My memories feel real too real. What do I do how do I LIVE WITH THIS PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP ME
Yesterday I tried to commit suicide because I started remembering things from my childhood that I did to another child and ask I kept thinking I remembered other instances of doing other things to them and I am really disgusted with myself and I don’t deserve to live. I’m scared to tell any even my therapist because of what she might think of me. I’ve also have intrusive thoughts about children, I know that I don’t find them attractive but my brain tells me that I do and I get all of these weird thoughts in my head all at once and I don’t know what to do, I don’t know if I actually did this to them or if I’m making it up because of my trauma and anxiety. I tried asking them if they remembered me doing anything uncomfortable when we were children and they said no and were getting annoyed and dismissive.
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