Losing the battle.

I'm stuck. My compulsions always centered around expelling all anxiety from myself, but now I've found something external that can't be neutralised - completely ego-dystonic centered around the most horrific thing I've encountered in my life and the thought that someone could know I had watched it and thought I was genuinely into it sexually. I always clung to this idea that I could expel enough anxiety that it wasn't bothering me. Wouldn't be perfect, but I could at least get rid of it enough to function well. But this has knocked me down completely: This is a thought that will always cause me anxiety anytime I think it, every social situation, every day at work is a ticking time bomb where I feel I have to avoid it. There's positives. I've learned a lot about my compulsions around perfectionism socially. After the anxiety passes I'm still confident, I'm still funny, it doesn't affect my personality. I know it isn't me. But I can't laugh off the subject matter like I would normally do, and no matter what I do I will always be able to think something that causes me anxiety on this. And when it does, my anxiety slaughters me. It throws me cognitively, if I've eaten anything, I get to taste it twice; that happened yesterday - Thankfully I have a great relationship with my manager and team leader so could convince them to keep it between us and keep working but the moment you feel your stomach go and the saliva starts to come, it's coming up whether you want it or not. The anxiety spike hits me when I wake up in the night, stopping me sleeping. When I'm enjoying myself 'too much, it brings it up to put me in my place. When I go to the gym or out with friends, the fear of the anxiety hits me. It's actually not even the situation anymore, it's the anxiety about the anxiety. But I've watched myself slide backwards from all the incredible progress I've made. I've made mistake after mistake feeding compulsions I never should've done, all the time working towards a different compulsion that I thought would magically fix all this. That's the most insidious thing about OCD. The more you try to fix it, the worse it gets. I've never had this before. Never something external that can't be resolved. I can't sleep much. Can't eat a lot. Watching my muscle mass deteriorate. What if it happens on a date? What if it happens in an interview? Why this? Why did my OCD latch on to something this disgusting (That one probably answers itself actually haha). Either this helps me finally realise that not all thoughts are meant to be resolved, reveals more about the OCD and helps me improve. Or it doesn't. Anyone had anything like this? A period of sustained downhill with the OCD that you pulled out of? Something external that you couldn't ever get confirmation of, but helped you in the end? Maybe didn't, but you still soldiered on anyway. Just looking for a little optimism tbh.

Username: Moha🍃Moha🍃

Date posted: 37w ago

I know what it feels and I relate to every word you said, today I woke up with a bad OCD spike, a machine gun of thoughts and anxiety pounding like a sob, saying to myself how could I ever live like this, but even if there's 1% of hope I'm gonna hold on to it, so I do understand and I empathize with you and I know fear of fear can be very vile. Also it's completely understandable that you are worrying about your diet and your muscle mass, I do as well, try to consume some smoothies with oat, they can be easy to drink and very nutritious. I'm here for you man!

Username: Callum Callum

Date posted: 37w ago

Huge advice man cheers. There's way more than 1% mate, always amazes me how much I can do in a day even while I'm supposedly faced with the worst thing I've ever had to deal with. Will definitely try that smoothie.

Username: Mitch4Mitch4

Date posted: 37w ago

Dude I can relate, your not alone. I honestly don’t know why OCD does this to us. It’s horrible and we don’t deserve it, just remember it’s not you. I used to feel that it was me causing myself to have these horrible thoughts but I’ve come to learn they come naturally. Not sure why but they do, I hate it but at the same token I’ve come to learn to let them be. Just remember it’s your ocd and not you, no need to engage. I know that’s easier said then done cause I struggle on the daily but overtime it does seem to get better. Cheers

Username: Callum Callum

Date posted: 37w ago

Not engaging absolutely seems the way to do it - just need to avoid it turning into its own compulsion and avoidance behaviour. I know it'll improve. Cheers for the advice and support dude.

Username: ExpertParakeetExpertParakeet

Date posted: 37w ago

I feel for you, I could have written this. It’s crushing at times. I’d wake up and my brain would immediately start winding. The worst part for me was the increased, rapid heart rate I’d feel in the morning immediately after waking up and recalling the intrusive thought. I had zero appetite when my OCD was at its worst. Continue to do ERP and talk to us on here—it’ll get better eventually.

Username: Callum Callum

Date posted: 37w ago

I'll be sure to do that - never had it this bad before, and yeah the heart rate is huge. But maybe a thought that can't be resolved will force me to stop trying compulsions for the rest. Thanks

Username: Spiral

Date posted: 5y ago

So honestly the worst part of (what I think is) my OCD is the "groinal syndrome"... My intrusive thoughts were fading, but now all the doubt is creeping back in because of it. I know that I'm not what my thoughts try and persuade me I am. My whole identity is much more solid now than it was when I was at my worst. But at the same time, the anxiety is still there and the groinal response thing has started to come back recently... I try not to do anything compulsive but a lot of my compulsions are mental ones so I find myself doing them before I can even stop myself. Am I just going to be stuck with the anxiety & the physical manifestations forever?? Because even now, after I have learned about OCD, and after things started to get better, I am still experiencing it. I'm terrified to get a diagnosis too, in case they tell me it's not OCD or in case there's nothing they can do to help me :/ Ach I hate this all so much ?

Username: CB1992

Date posted: 1y ago

Stuck in an OCD loop

Have any of you been stuck in what feels like an OCD loop? It’s like being held hostage by OCD. It’s like everything becomes a trigger. Like there isn’t a part of the day where I’m not having intrusive thoughts because it’s the only thing my brain can think about. So every conversation I’m thinking of horrible things I could say, every time I pet my dog think of things I could do to hurt her, anytime I drive I think of hitting pedestrians, every time I’m alone I think of ways I could hurt myself. It honestly feels like my brains on fire I’m starting to think I might have some kind of destructive brain tumour because I can’t comprehend how this can all be mental illness. It’s the ‘urge’ I can’t deal with it feels so real. I’ve had mental illness and likely OCD my whole life but nothing has ever made me feel as scared and hopeless as this. I’ve been having horrible migraine attacks daily for months and I think the trigger is the stress and anxiety these thoughts cause. I feel like I can never rest. It’s like my head is caught in a vice and my eye sight is constant flashes and static. Blood tests normal and two eye tests back normal. I can barely work as my whole job is computer based. I don’t even know how I would begin to do ERP because it feels like I’d have to tackle EVERYTHING about being alive! I also don’t think I have any compulsions. If I do none of them provide any relief so it’s basically just me feeling like I’m going insane every single day since October. It’s impossible to relax when my brain thinks we’re either going to die of a brain tumour or going insane and hurting myself against my will or doing something to someone else that would mean I would have to kill myself. My brain honestly believes it’s inevitable I won’t be along for much longer and it’s petrifying. I don’t know how to get better until I can reset my body to get out of this cycle. How am I supposed to move forward when my brain and body is in constant fight and flight? Does anybody relate? My brain doesn’t even believe this is OCD anymore… I guess this is reassurance but I’m having such a terrible time.

Username: bkelp213

Date posted: 1y ago

Worried this is just going to get worse…

It’s probably desensitization but I’m scared I’m getting worse and worse. My morals feel like they’ve been hijacked and I’m scared I’m turning into a bad person. Nothing really disgusts me enough anymore. I’m so tired. When all of this started, I was still able to do things normally even if it felt like I had a weight on my head but it got better. Until I had an intrusive thought about looking for CSEM which has just gotten worse because it’s like it’s turned into an urge. I’m worried at some point (sooner or later), I’m gonna end up doing it. Or I have the scary thought of what if I want to and I’ll regret NOT ever seeing it which is also gross. And I’ve heard about people running into it on social media somehow which then triggers this screwed up sense of morbid curiosity about how that would even end up on social media without being flagged/removed and the thought of “what if you went looking for it there” - I just want it to stop!!! I feel like I can’t even live life now because the thought/urge is there every single day and I can’t escape. Nothing brings me joy - I’m empty all of the time. I can’t make myself play a game or watch a show because I can’t focus and I feel almost nothing towards them. And even if I did feel happy, it wouldn’t last long before being ripped away again. I’m worried I have some sort of addiction to be having this thought every day of “look for it, do it, you have to know” - but I shouldn’t? I’ve cut back immensely on a lot of NSFW stuff and what little I do see (like in books) doesn’t seem to trigger me. This thought actually started happening after multiple accounts of hearing people being prosecuted for having that sort of material (people talk about exes or husbands of friends and whatnot having done that and you also hear about famous people sometimes - it’s everywhere and I’m so sick of hearing about it all of the time because I’m worried I’m gonna end up BEING one of those people). It will not go away even if I stop paying it any mind and I’m frightened all the time now. I feel disgusting and I’m afraid I’m a horrible person. I feel cursed and I just want everything to go back to normal. I want to be disgusted and opposed again and it just isn’t happening! 😞 even now I feel like an imposter posting here because it doesn’t seem like OCD anymore, I’m just gross and out of control like some freak. I feel like I’m gonna have to cut my life short to avoid it happening (but I’m also too scared to do that and I WANT to live but it just feels like I won’t be able to “help myself” which is no excuse but that’s how it feels). I’m not gonna do it at the moment (like I said, I’m too scared) but it feels like I deserve it and it’s the only outcome for me. It feels like too much to do anything because what if I snap?? What if I get too curious?? I’m just so done with all of this - I feel like I’m gonna explode. And no amount of people saying “I don’t think you’ll do it” would make me feel better. I just don’t know what to do - I can’t get therapy, I can’t tell anyone. I’m so alone and it feels like mental torture

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Losing the battle.

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