Do I have OCD?

Hi. my name is Ally, im 18 and im in my last year of high school. i've always been in and out of therapy, but I've never been able to get to the route of the problems i have. I constantly fear talking about things like this, but here i go. -horrible thoughts of things such as rape, pedophilia, beastiality and incest popping into my head randomly (NOT URGES !!!!) and coming up in my dreams. -expecting the worst outcomes -believing that my actions control what will happen next in my life (if i dont do this specific thing, i will die or someone in my family will die) -intrusive thoughts and dreams that feel so real i believe it actually happened. i dont mean to intrude, this is a very safe space for people who suffer with OCD. i just feel i have no where else to turn. does this sound like ocd? something else? please if you can, i cant live thinking and feeling this way anymore, please help me.

hii everyone, so, it has been about 2 or 3 years I’d say since I’ve been dealing with this. let’s just get right into it, so first, whatever I have (which might be OCD, I’m not entirely sure what it is) has taken over basically most of my childhood, and what kills me is that I’ll never get it back. one thing I know is that im not normal, i now get sleepless nights. why you may ask? because of my horrifying thoughts, “if you don’t look up you’ll be praying to the devil and you’ll go to hell!” “if you don’t say ‘God bless them’ their condition will happen to you!” “if you don’t say ‘good yetho 2x’ (idek..) ‘your mom will die 5x’ you’ll die and forget how to read. “if you don’t put your arms up, look directly up at the ceiling because if you look down you’ll pray to the devil so you need to look up, and say ‘Dear Heavenly Father, I pray that you forgive me for my sins in the name of Jesus Christ Amen.’ you’ll go straight to hell!” or whenever I touch a wall, i need to touch it with my small finger because if I touch it twice with my pointer finger my body will go to hell. it’s an endless cycle, and what’s even worse is that I may never be able to get help. I’ll never get that life back that I wanna live, and it kills me. I’ve named most of the compulsions and obsessions I have and I have 18 compulsions that are physical and about 5 obsessions that I really don’t wanna name right now. anyway, i really don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve done a lot of research regarding around disorders, and it’s safe to say that I may have OCD. Now, do i want ocd? absolutely not. however, there’s a family member in my family who has it. so the chances of me having it are strong, i don’t think I’m able to get better until I’m 18. an adult. I’m 12 years old, my mom has noticed my compulsions and me repeating certain words. but she does nothing, absolutely nothing. instead, she just argues with me over it. if I ever tell my mom to sit down and ask her about getting a test, she would probably call me the R-Slur and tell me I’m crazy. Therefore, I’m all alone in this situation with no one to help me. another obsession I have is about me catching cancer if I don’t do a compulsion or I might get paralyzed and get sleep paralysis. It’s so horrifying, there’s more obsessions and compulsions I have but I really don’t wanna name them right now. I cry almost every day because of how exhausted I am, and how much help i truly want to get but I don’t think I ever will. I’m unsure whether or not I have ocd, people tell me to get a diagnosis. but the situation I am in right now makes it impossible. i have no way of getting tested but I have a good feeling I have ocd, if you’re reading this, please try to give me your thoughts and what I should do, and if I even have OCD. Thanks! :))

Lately, I've been trying to pinpoint exactly what is causing me to feel down on myself all the time. I also have been having a hard time making and maintaining relationships or connections with others. I'm not sure if it's me, what I'm going through, or just the people I'm dealing with. I feel bad blaming it on others. Anyway, for the past 6 or 7 seven years I've been dealing with a bit of depression and anxiety. It started when I was about 13 years old. I felt like nobody wanted me around, everything I did was wrong, I hurt everyone around me, and everyone would be better off if I would just pass away. However, about two years later I started high school. I was in honors, doing well in my classes, and had made a few friends. I was really happy. Then covid hit and I began to feel depressed, nervous in public situations, and alone. During all of this I was also questioning my sexuality and because I went to a private school and my family was very religious, I was absolutely terrified of being gay. My junior year of high school I was feeling even worse and more alone. I began cutting myself. Then, a couple months into the school year I made a few new friends and met a girl that I liked. I began feeling a bit better about myself and was happy to have people around that shared similar experiences with mental health and sexuality. Later on, things began to go down hill. The girl I was talking to soon hated me because I didn't properly communicate my feelings. She started saying hateful things which in turn made me upset with her because I had apologized multiple times and tried to make up with her. I was also extremely upset with her because I had found out that she had really upset my younger sister and made her uncomfortable. About a month or two later one of my other friends told me I was a horrible person for sticking up for a girl I considered to be my best friend at the time. I noticed after these events and interactions I became a lot more insecure with myself and began feeling like everything was my fault. I overthink every interaction and everything I say when around a girl I like. I get scared that I'm bothering them, being annoying, or I'm making them uncomfortable. However, I also feel that most don't want me around, see me as embarrassing or childish, see me as too emotional or high maintenance, or just don't care about me at all. I then obsess over what I should do or what I may have done wrong. I sometimes also make impulsive decisions. Whenever I have feelings for someone and I start acting like this, they tend to get upset because neither one of us can understand what's going on or why I'm doing the things I'm doing and I feel like I've lost a few good people because of it. On top of all of this, I feel bad for not having my priorities in line. For some reason I worry more about friends than I do about family issues. It's also embarrassing because others deal with much more than I ever have and probably ever will. At this point I'm scared that nothing will change and I will always be in this position. Sometimes I feel like the only way out is suicide or self harm to atone for everything I've done wrong. If anyone has any suggestions on types of therapy, what I may be dealing with, or just simply how to go about getting better I'd love to hear your ideas. I would really like to get better so that I continue to help my family, help those around me, and enjoy my hobbies or things I love.