- Username
- Fritzo
- Date posted
- 29w ago
Am I bisexual in denial, or is it just SO-OCD causing confusion?
I need help please
I (M21) truly don't know if im denial or have SO-OCD and am in denial or what. Over a couple years ago I struggled with hocd really bad. It started with just a random thought that led later on to what I think were false attractions or crushes? I would instantly seemingly compulsively stare at most dudes butts. I never felt aroused by this to my knowledge. Overtime though I got basically so tired of worrying that I was just like "Even if these are genuine attractions I have no desire to pursue them and I don't ever have fantasies about them so it will just be a thing that exists for me. Then for the last couple of years thats were I was at and felt like I was straight and just accepted the uncertainty. Within the last few months though it is either returning seemingly or I am actually bisexual and just very heterosexual leaning. Or both Im not sure. The reason I say this is because around 3 months ago I was just writing something down for my college class and a guy walked past me brown jeans and my eyes just got fixated on his ass the more I tried to look away the more I kept looking back repeatedly. I don't think I felt any arousal just a lot of anxiety. Eventually I got on with the day and was pondering it for a while I was like "this must mean something right?" I then looked back at my old HOCD posts and felt the experience of staring was similar. After a few hours I guess I just forgot about it and then went on with my life. Around a month or 2 ago I was going to the gym and I saw a guy exercising and kept looking at his muscles and was fixated like the other event I mentioned. I remember I felt some kind of feeling, I did not feel aroused or that I wanted to touch him or anything of that sort. I just remeber having a feeling. I don't fully remeber everything after that but I think I was just like "Maybe it was something maybe not idk" Recently a couple weeks ago we were sitting in class and I hear some guy talking and was like "wow his voice sounds deep" then after that I had some sort of panic in my head and kept wondering "I am attracted to him" "Did I like it?" again I felt no arousal or desire for him. I saw him again today and honestly felt nothing I just thought his deep voice sounded cool. Over the last couple of weeks I had been thinking through all this and was like "no, this has to mean something right?" I started watching hocd videos and am I bisexual in denial videos and my brain kept being like "Its different this time, its probably real" Ever since then I have been in an almost constant state of intense anxiety I keep wondering if im actually bisexual. Part of me feels like I am and already have admitted it but just don't like the label. Which I admit is probably true. I liked being straight it felt right for me. I have tried to watch gay porn multiple times to see if men can arouse me but I feel nothing. A lot of the time I really don't wanna watch it and just give up on trying. If I watch straight porn with a woman moaning I will get hard very quickly even if I don't think she is that attractive. At this point if I am bisexual I just want to know and not be in denial. The idea of being in denial or secretly having gay feelings and repressing them terrifies me I tried to fantasize about men and got to a point where it felt like a compulsive urge but did not arouse me. These compulsive urges involved me trying to fantasize about a guys crotch or ass seeing as that is where I had that feeling before but still nothing. Tonight I tried looking up guys asses in jeans to see if I feel anything but I felt pretty much nothing, except for one guy who was shirtless with his ass in jeans. I felt that wierd feeling again but did not feel arousal or excitement even though I legimately tried to. Is this wierd feeling repressed desire or something? It's driving me crazy I don't know what that feeling is. now I am worrying if I also had some sort of attraction to someone several years ago. I remember watching a YouTuber and I thought he looked attractive and then starting checking obsessively then just forgot ? For reference I am honestly a lot less sexual overall than I used to be. Before this whole event I abstained from porn completely. I am attracted to women but it feels more selective. Iv'e never seen a woman on the street and been like "I wanna kiss or have sex with her". But when talking to women on dating apps it would always get me excited and aroused and I have liked to listen to asmr about girls both erotic and not for a long time. Before all this questioning part of me was wondering if I was asexual because my eyes would look around at women but I didnt feel like I was attracted or anything. I found some women more attractive than others but that was about it. TLDR: Am I bisexual in denial or repressing my feelings or whats going on here?