trying not to spiral (TW)

I had a really hard day yesterday. I had a memory come up, of a thought i had years ago, when my OCD was still fairly fresh. I remember that i was fantasizing, and i had a thought pop in of one of my obsessions, and for a second, i think i may have entertained it- maybe even enjoyed it. I talked about this with my first therapist and was able to move past it, but it has remained one of my stickiest and most horrible thoughts. Yesterday i tried to think through it again, and i definitely had an arousal feeling. I have this terrible fear that i could enjoy my obsessions if i just let go. I don’t want to be the kind of person who enjoys these things. I have a life and a family that i love so much, i’m just so deeply afraid of being irreparably evil. I feel like i’ve done something horrible, and that it’s only a matter of time before people find out. I don’t even necessarily know what the thing is that i’m supposed to have done. My brain offers a myriad of options, of course, but i’m usually able to talk myself through them- or when i’m not, have a family member talk me through them. I’m afraid i’m fooling them all. I just want to be a good person, but i feel like such an imposter. I want to be loved so desperately, but i feel like anyone who can find it in themself to love me must be evil too.

I’m a csa survivor which made me develop hypersexuality while actually being a asexual individual. (Where I did CP and talked to groomers and sexted, ect ect) A few months ago I’ve started to heal, but the fact that I’ve seen so many private parts since I was idk, young? I imagine them everywhere, it’s really frustrating and sometimes I also get intrusive thoughts about other kids or my siblings. It’s deeply distributing but I also kind of think of it from a curious kind of aspect which I despise too. Honestly I have a hard time with any kid in underwear, my intrusive thoughts have been ALOT the last months and they’re really really overwhelming. I also easily go into overanalysing them or even trying to figure out more clearer the thoughts to “test myself”. I think, I hope. Idk it’s scary

TW Just saw a judge video where a girl was complaining about a mom suing her for money when her mom is her agent and gives her younger sister (at 17 years old) better work because they exploit her body and THEY SHOWED PICTURES. I saw it and was like “oh my gosh is that actually what I think it is?” Then after realizing it’s like I was too shocked to look away. What is bothersome is that I wasn’t immediately repulsed enough to turn it off and didn’t immediately do so and when the picture kept showing up it’s like I kept looking at it to make sure what I saw was actually what I saw. Also, the false memory is hitting hard because now I’m wondering if I had intrusive thoughts judging her body. Now I feel like a perv and pedo 😭 It’s like I’m anxious over not being anxious enough about the situation while actually being incredibly anxious. I don’t if that made ANY sense but someone please help. I will say my mind was already incredibly vulnerable because of burnout and other very stressful events recently. Still, I feel terrible and feel I deserve to be in jail.