Denial

Really struggling with the feeling that I might actually be in denial and that I’m just lying to myself and my partner and I’m just using ROCD as an excuse. I’m really triggered by the concept of attachment vs love especially considering I fit more into the attachment category rather than love (what I enjoy the most is not making him happy but how he makes me feel: supported, loved, attractive, comfortable, safe, my inner child comes out in like a child with him). I don’t fit into the: I want you to be happy. I don’t want him to be sad but just like I don’t wish anyone to be sad. I’m not excited when he is excited or happy when he is happy I just feel neutral.

Lost-

Date posted: 1y

I want to clarify first, I have no idea what is right for your relationship, it could completely go either way. With that out of the way, I don’t think attachment and love are mutually exclusive, I think while one could be attached, they could also be in love, and vice versa. I do think there are some situations where it is one or the other, and in those cases, I think deep down the heart knows. I could be wrong, but in my previous relationship I absolutely loved my girlfriend, and still do. But it took me a long time to realise that we weren’t a good fit, and the reason I stayed wasn’t because I loved her (which I did) it was because she made me feel safe, comforted me like nobody else could, she was there for me in a way I didn’t know how I could live without. And I think when I realised that, it felt sort of like I stopped lying to myself. Now I want you to be really careful with my word’s because I am by no means saying that’s the situation you’re in, but just trying to give another perspective to help compare and the alternative (among many) to my situation is that you could be overestimating or trying to exact what it means to love someone because of OCD. It’s really possible that your brain is trying to find perfect proof that this is the correct decision because it’s so important to you. It is in that dyer, unrelenting need for certainty that OCD can steal your peace, so to aid this, try your best to recognise. Yes this is a very important decision/ part of my life. No I don’t need the perfect answer right now. Yes I am allowed to trust myself if I am uncertain. I hope this helps, again please take everything I say with a grain of salt, I’m no expert and just giving my opinion and personal experience. Wish u all the best.

Camilla.r

Date posted: 1y

@Lost- Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a good comment. I would say we are a good fit. We are both very committed and communicate as much as possible even when things go wrong we don’t just stop the relationship or even want to stop it even if someone made a mistake. We have different personalities but they complete each others (for example he is very down to earth when in the opposite of that we we can balance each other sometimes), he also helped me being more confident and love myself more (without really doing anything I think he just inspired me because he is a very confident person). However we have a few things in common when it comes to activities and hobbies (we both like quiet reading nights, staying hours in museums, go clay painting, watch animal and architecture documentary etc). He has been so patient with me and he is a part of me because he influenced and inspired me so much unconsciously. What I struggle with is why don’t I consciously think about his happiness? Does it mean I don’t love him ? Am I not supposed to feel happy when he is happy and sad when he is sad ? Am I not supposed to want to cook for him when he comes from work or enjoy letting him watch what he wants on the tv …etc ? I’m trying to think that I might indeed have an unrealistic idea of love maybe that I show care for his happiness in more subtle ways ? And through touch rather than services ? But when I think that I feel like I’m just finding excuses to reassure myself and be in denial

Lost-

Date posted: 1y

@Lysaribeiro Again, this is only my personal opinion, but from everything you described, that sounds much similar to the doubt caused by OCD to me. It especially aligns with the tendency to expect more from ourselves than is reasonable, and believing in presumptions that we are somehow automatically sub-par if we create ideals for ourselves that are impossible for anyone to meet. This is like, classic OCD guilt in my opinion. I’ve experienced some very similar things where I rigorously question if I have been thoughtful enough, but it has gotten to the point sometimes, where I overthink, was it rude to put the kettle on whilst my Dad was talking, am I terrible person because I forgot my uncle’s birthday even though most of my family seem to have remembered. Honestly, it’s completely normal to not be excited about cooking for someone, even someone you adore. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you or the relationship. It’s also not even worth ascertaining what normal is with regards to intuitively thinking about his happiness. Because, everyone has different capacities and some people have more stress on their plate to deal with. What’s important is that you care about him, and if you’re unhappy with how much compassion you have in the tank, you can look inward and figure out why that might be, or just forgive yourself and try and set a goal to do better (if that’s what you want). All of this is just my idea of things, and I definitely don’t know enough to speak authoritatively about this but I hope it was able to give some sort of perspective and insight. Take care and please go easy on yourself.

Lost-

Date posted: 1y

@Lost- Wait sorry I just want to add, from what you shared I don’t think you’re lacking in compassion in any way at all, it truly sounds like you’re just beating yourself up because you’re uncertain what is acceptable and find it difficult to discern what normal is. Just wanted to clarify about the whole setting a goal thing, because personally I don’t think you lack compassion at all

Camilla.r

Date posted: 1y

@Lost- Thank you so so much those words had such an impact I really appreciate you taking the time to reflect on it and explain it so well. What you say makes me feel a lot better thank you so much ! 🥹

Lost-

Date posted: 1y

@Lysaribeiro No worries, happy to help :)

jajade

Date posted: 1y

I did not read the previous comment but what came to me was that if you are very anxious because of OCD, you may not be able to actually feel pleasant emotions towards your person, especially when you’re trying to measure how happy your are for him etc Anxiety or dissociation replaces a lot of other feelings in such cases

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 25w

I feel like I don’t love him sometimes 💔

I realized I’ve depended a lot on my boyfriend for comfort through my ocd, and I’m starting to feel like even before my ocd I was paying more attention to the relationship itself more than him, or the attachment: even though I remember distinct feelings of me wanting to be with him forever, and feeling so happy and complete with him, time didn’t exist, I felt like my most authentic self. So now I’m trying to create a healthy attachment and see him as his own person, which was helping at first, but now it feels as if I’m seeing that I don’t actually love him for him, the thought of moving forward in life without him breaks my heart and I don’t want to but my mind keeps telling me that I want it because of the attachment. He’s the exact type of person and partner I would want but it feels like whatever I feel is not enough.. But I DO experience moments of affection and care and admiration for him but they don’t last long..before I started making this shift in perspective even with the ocd I was still so sure and confident in moving forward with him, I felt so much like I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. But now that I’ve made this shift it feels like I’m seeing him from a whole different place. Like all those good and happy feelings I had for him are gone now and I don’t have any confidence in what I want anymore. Before I did feel confident that I wanted to be with him but now it feels like there’s this wall between him and me :( I want to be with him I know I do, because even now I still feel the desire to keep going, but I can’t see the future anymore or the confidence to keep going. I was never much of a future thinker, even in my personal life but this feels like added proof I feel like I’m alone in this like no one else has this situation and the chances for me to realize after I recover that I don’t actually love him are so much higher 💔

Mariabae

Date posted: 23w

scary rocd

Lately, I’ve been feeling like my relationship isn’t real. I keep thinking: • Why am I even with him? • Do I actually like him, or am I just used to him? • What if I’m just convincing myself that I like him? I feel numb, disconnected, and nothing I tell myself reassures me. Sometimes, I get really irritable when we talk, I don’t feel joy, and I start overanalyzing everything. It makes me feel like the absolute truth is that I don’t like him, and I’m just in denial. I also heard that when you don’t like someone, there’s no anxiety—just relief. But I have moments where the thought “I don’t want to be with him” crosses my mind, and I don’t feel anything at all. And because I don’t panic immediately, I start thinking “Maybe this means it’s true.” I’ve read that love isn’t about feeling excitement 24/7, but my mind keeps telling me that if I don’t feel connected, if I have to search for reasons why I like him, that must mean I don’t. I feel like I’m losing touch with my emotions, and no matter what I do, I can’t seem to feel love or happiness the way I used to. It’s like I keep waiting for some proof that I truly want to be with him, but I never find it. Has anyone else felt this way? I feel like I’m trapped in this endless doubt, and I don’t know what’s real anymore.

Angel1717

Date posted: 18w

ROCD or DENIAL?

So I haven’t been diagnosed with ROCD but I’ve kinda self-diagnosed myself because of my repeated thought patterns and my way to escape them by searching for answers online (“signs I love her” or taking “do I love her or am I attached/codependent” quizzes) and asking loved ones how they knew they were in love. But recently I started to question this symptom of ROCD, wouldn’t someone in denial about loosing feelings for their partner do the same thing? (try to look for reasons that they do love their partner) I started to feel emotionless and apathy for my partner around the 3 month mark but as we grew closer and had real and emotional talks I started to regain my feelings. But sometimes when we are cuddling i’ll get this sudden emotionless feeling and it gives me anxiety. (It also scares me to think this started at the 3 month mark due to the 3 month rule phenomenon I see on social media) Our relationship has always been soo healthy, I really love my girlfriend and I know it but Im not to sure if i’m actually “IN LOVE.” I sometimes get intrusive thoughts about her looks and feel like im in love with her physical potential rather than how she looks now and that feels so wrong but don’t get me wrong either I still still think she’s beautiful regardless of how she looks. I love everything else about her like her personality, kindness, generosity, and loyalty. She’s my first girlfriend so I don’t know how to distinguish between loving someone and being in love with someone. I also don’t know how to or how it feels to move on from someone after so many emotional/special moments with them and the thought about starting a new relationship makes me feel uncomfortable and is just something I don’t want, hence the feeling that I might just be attached/codependent. I feel so uncomfortable when thinking that if we break up I might never see her again and we’ll never get to rejoice in sharing these emotional, special, and beautiful moments. I want it to be her that I spend the rest of my life with so badly but I feel like my mind is stopping me from picturing a future of us together even though that’s what I really want. (writing this sentence^ I got the intrusive thought of “are you sure that’s what you really want” and now i’m questioning myself) I also can’t help but feel this intense anxiousness in my chest and an inner gut feeling/voice telling me to break up with her without any reason other than because I have a strong feeling she isn’t the one. I haven’t acted on this feeling because In the case that I do have ROCD I know this gut feeling/intuition cannot be trusted. I also read, in the case that I do have ROCD the way to treat it is to endure the anxiety and face uncertainty but I feel like there is no uncertainty about my relationship. I feel 100% safe with her and that she won’t cheat on me, so why do i feel like this!!! I don’t want to endure this anxiety forever, I’m so confused! I’m currently looking for therapy to help decipher my feelings correctly and see if I’m experiencing ROCD. But according to what i’ve explained.. Is this ROCD or DENIAL about losing feelings?

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