- Username
- kindermind
- Date posted
- 28w ago
I think my disabled friend is a compulsion for me
Hello this is my first time posting here sorry for the long post in advance I just have to speak on this. I am a 19 year old female, and my friend is also a 19 year old female. Last year my friend who was in rehab came to stay with me after I helped her leave because she would call me crying saying it was the worst place on the planet and asking for my help. So I asked my mom if it was alright for her to stay with us and to be completely honest I thought she would say no, however she said yes not realizing it would be such a long time. So she has been living with me since August of last year. I think I’ve started compulsively taking care of her. She has 2 traumatic brain injuries and severe PTSD and bipolar 2. Before rehab she lived with her wildly abusive parents (based solely off the things she’s said and one interaction where her mother made me let her go through my purse) and she used a shit ton of drugs and drank basically everyday. All that to say she’s basically clean besides vaping (which I hate) and weed because it is the only thing that helps her pain. But recently she’s been getting a bit worse because she went through a very bad breakup with someone she barley knew and she was told by my mom that she has till the end of this month to move out. Which I feel horrible about but my house already has 5 adults living in a three bedroom one bathroom house not built for 6 people and it’s destroying my mental wellbeing. To get to the point I’m worried caring for her has become a compulsion in the way that I feel like if I’m not constantly making sure she’s not spiraling or relapsing I’m worried someday I’m gonna wake up to one of her everyday hour long texts and it’s going to be a goodbye text. I feel immense amounts of anxiety when I speak to her even if it’s a good day. Oh and to make a quick note we are as opposite as it gets I’m an anxiety ridden introvert that hates drugs other than weed and she’s the complete opposite of that. I’ve also dropped like 2 of my only friend in part because of her not fully but slightly. I just feel so much regret when it comes to the entire situation and I feel like I permanently altered the way my brain thinks when it comes to my decisions. But I just can’t think of her living alone it brings me so much fear to think she won’t have the bodily autonomy she needs to be able to live a comfortable life. She’s tried so many times to commit suicide and they never went through and she doesn’t want to but people’s whose brains have been hurt like hers has are basically hard wired to want to die. I feel cruel for wanting her to live because I truly believe she can have a somewhat fulfilling life if she can get to that point I just can’t trust that someone will care for her the way I do but it like physically pains me. I get such bad anxiety I shake and tense up and my muscles hurt but I feel so bad even feeling like that because she feels so much worse on a daily basis. Like I can’t say anything without her reminding me how much pain she’s in and she does it because it’s the only way she knows how to relate to the world. I’m worried about what life will be like when she’s not here. I feel like I’ll never have a day of peace if I don’t know she’s alive. I don’t really know what I’m asking for here I just needed to voice this because if there is anybody who possibly understands I need to know.