- Date posted
- 1y
I feel like a pos
Ugh, just ugh. Back story : I’m not in the best relationship. Bf struggles with ADHD and anger issues and I struggle with OCD, PTSD, Anxiety, ptsd from domestic violence and abuse from my father. I feel like because often there are fights that leave me feeling like there’s no hope and I’m always gonna be in these situations; also bc I can never leave bc then I’d have to live with my dad, which is impossible I’d rather seriously expire. It’s just not safe for me, but I’m in this situation now and I live with him and his older brother and his wife. Also, totally afraid regardless if I should be or not that if I ever brought up breaking up ever it would be bad and no one would help me out at all. That’s probably mostly the trauma but I can think any other way honestly. But things get better and I try and I do love him. Anyways, I feel like because of this if any guy treats me with respect and is actually interested in what I say… I like obsess over them or something like definitely a lot of pure o checking in my head and it’s exhausting and I feel gross and I feel evil and I feel awful. I just wish this stuff would stop. I wish I could make better decisions. I wish this wasn’t apart of my life :( ocd is tough af. I’m tough as nails and it’s so exhausting. So mentally tiring. There’s this guy I’ve known since I’ve known my bf and he was interesting and we have common interests anyways. They’re friends ofc and when he comes over it’s just hell for my mind no matter how proactive I try to be. There’s always this chance that “he could be my soul mate” “he could share the same feelings” and then like things go bad between me and my bf and I’ll have dreams about his friend and I’m like wtf which if I have a dream I remember I think it must be a sign. “It must be a sign” should be tatted on my head. Any wise words? Am I awful? How can I stop this? Bc I’m trying, probably not hard enough. I have my boundaries and try to control myself as much as possible but it’s hard too bc I’m very kind and outgoing and we have a lot in common, and my relationship is toxic at times. Idk man I’m tired. I could go on and on about this but yeah just wanted to get it off my chest and feel heard tbh.