This is very normal for someone with OCD. You are experiencing essentially classic OCD symptoms. They are just directed at religion and God because you have made God a priority in your life.
The same is true for me. I am a Christian, and my relationship with God is more important to me than anything else. That is why my OCD attacked faith and religion in my life. For other people, the OCD attacks in other areas. For example, I know a teacher who is horrified at the thought of hurting kids. That’s why her OCD attached to that theme.
Someone above suggested Mark DeJesus. I totally agree ! You can find tons of his videos on YouTube. He has struggled with OCD himself, and it’s very comforting to listen to his messages. You might give these videos a try.
But overall, here’s the MOST IMPORTANT THING: You have got to 1.) realize that what you are experiencing is normal for OCD 2.) label it, and 3.) treat it like you treat all OCD.
This is very important. The thoughts that you are experiencing will get kicked up and triggered by reading the Bible, going to church, having religious discussions with people, praying, etc.
These are the triggers for you (and me).
When I was really struggling with my OCD a lot more, I actually took a break from going to church for about 4 months I think.
It’s not that I don’t believe in church, it’s just that dealing with the thoughts and feelings was so tiring for me that my brain needed some time to rest. And that’s okay.
I would encourage you to let your brain rest where and when you need it. Maybe you just read one verse a day. Maybe you just pray a few minutes a day. You are still connecting with God. He understands that your brain needs rest right now.
I went through several months where I only read about 15 verses (ones that really comforted me) and listened to Mark DeJesus’ teaching online. I prayed just a short prayer every day. I did this for months. I WAS LETTING MY BRAIN RECOVER.
This actually helped me get closer to God. When we have OCD, we often feel like God has all these expectations for us that burden us. But that is not true. We actually need a shift in our minds and hearts about the true character of God and his love and grace for us. We are not going to learn that through stacking on more Bible reading and prayer. God understands how much we are suffering. He has compassion on us.
Therefore, when people have OCD , I am a big advocate of REST with regard to how much energy you put into Bible reading and prayer. You can just do a little bit every day. And let God teach you over time.
Okay, going back to my three most IMPORTANT things.
1.) RECOGNIZE that your swirl and barrage of thoughts is typical OCD. It seems scary. But it’s just OCD. That’s what it is.
2.). LABEL the thoughts: These scary, intrusive thoughts are “obsessions”.
3.). TREAT the obsessions the way you treat all OCD obsessions.
Okay, how do we treat obsessions? The first thing is to realize that they don’t mean anything!!!!!
People with OCD are always tearing themselves up, afraid that their thoughts have meaning. They don’t. If they are OCD thoughts, they belong in the OCD garbage 🗑️ bin. They don’t mean anything about you. They don’t really represent what you think. They don’t mean anything.
Therefore, since they don’t mean anything, you can let them go and run around your head like a storm. Don’t try to fix them or fight them. That will only make them worse.
My intrusive thoughts did not go away until I LET THEM RUN. I let the thoughts do whatever they wanted to in my head. This was scary because they were blasphemous thoughts. But I have learned that the thoughts against God DON’T MEAN ANYTHING.
God has brought me so much healing. And the first step is to acknowledge that the thoughts are meaningless and powerless.
I had to counsel my teacher friend a lot. She was afraid her OCD meant she was a monster who would hurt children. She is definitely not anything of the sort. And the storm and barrage of thoughts in her head didn’t mean anything. Zero. Nothing. Those thoughts can go in the OCD bin.
ERP training is what is your really need here (with a good therapist). This person will train you to let the thoughts run in your mind.
You can notice them, but you don’t try to fight them. (Like I said, that will only make things worse.)
After you let the thoughts ride themselves out, you have to resist any compulsions to try to “fix” or mitigate those thoughts with inner or outward behaviors (which are safety-seeking behaviors).
This usually means to try not to AVOID your triggers (like church). “Avoidance” is a common compulsion.
But I think that everything has a time or a season. For example , right now in my path of OCD recovery, I won’t let myself avoid church because of my dark thoughts. I go anyway. We have to be trained to continue on with our life despite the fact that those thoughts bother us.
However, when I was suffering like you are now, and on the edge of burning out, the right answer was to REST a lot. I am not saying to take a break from God. I am just saying that you can connect with God with just a few things each day.
As you get stronger, you can practice ERP and start practicing doing things that make you nervous, like reading your Bible more.
Big hugs!! You are not alone. Scrupulously or religious OCD is tough, but it’s actually practicing ACTS OF FAITH to go against it.
