ROCD

I keep thinking about every little thing my bf does or says, I keep thinking he sounds and talks weirdly, and I keep thinking he does weird things or that he’s not tough or masculine enough and whenever I see an attractive man I stay playing scenarios in my head where the attractive man has the same “flaws” my bf does to see how I would feel if another man did it, like I’m trying to make the “flaws” feel normal and ok. And whenever I’m on the phone with my bf he’ll say something in a way that seems “weird” to me and I can’t stop thinking about it and playing it over trying to recreate the inflection and tone in my head so I can see if his inflections and tones sound normal enough or manly enough or if his idiosyncrasies are odd or abnormal or unattractive. But what’s worse is now I’m not feeling the overwhelming waves of panic that I used to have when I had these thoughts. Now they’re just thoughts, but I still feel bothered by them because they focus on “flaws” that bug me. I don’t know what to do. I worry that it’s not OCD anymore. I’m not currently diagnosed either which doesn’t help. I feel like a liar, like I’m busting using ROCD as an excuse to avoid the truth.

Username: LangwidereLangwidere

Date posted: 27w ago

I understand what you’re going through. I’m struggling with the same thing. Those stabbing fears are no longer happening but the thoughts are. I think it’s a sign that you’re making progress. Intrusive thoughts are easier to cope with when we aren’t feeling complete terror.

Username: Anonymous_confessions Anonymous_co...

Date posted: 27w ago

@Langwidere That’s true, I really do hope it’s progress. I remember going through similar experiences with past themes, I just hope the thoughts go away too, because it feels like the terror and panic was the only thing making me think it was OCD, and now that it’s gone, but I’m still focusing on the flaws, it makes me think that I won’t get over the flaws and I’ll need to leave.

Username: LangwidereLangwidere

Date posted: 27w ago

@Anonymous_confessions I understand. Thoughts are difficult but they’re just thoughts. I recommend Sheva Rajaee’s book. She covers a ton of stuff. Plus everyone has flaws and we can embrace those too

Username: Anonymous_confessions Anonymous_co...

Date posted: 27w ago

@Langwidere Thanks for the encouragement, it’s good to have a community of people who understand. We can all work through this together.

Username: LangwidereLangwidere

Date posted: 27w ago

@Anonymous_confessions Agreed. I’m actually a therapist myself so I know it’s difficult but we can prevail.

Username: Butt3rfly11Butt3rfly11

Date posted: 27w ago

This really spoke to me. I am struggling with a similar thing. I have struggled in the past with obsessions of worrying he will hurt me or that he's "not as it seems." In recent weeks, it's switched to what you're describing here. I am worrying that it is not ROCD anymore but an acceptance that perhaps I'm actually not into him, and thinking the reason I've been so unsettled for a bit in the relationship is not because I have OCD but because he's actually not a good fit for me. I'm worried about ending things, too, because somewhere I'm also worried it's my OCD that's ruining things and I am going to immensely regret ending things in the future. I'm so f*cking exhausted.

Username: Anonymous_confessions Anonymous_co...

Date posted: 27w ago

@Butt3rfly11 I understand, it’s so mentally exhausting, it’s exhausting to be worried, and then when the intense feelings of anxiety lighten up a bit, it’s a whole new ballgame because it feels like maybe it was real all along. Part of me almost wishes the anxiety would come back, because then I would feel better knowing that at least I’m not enjoying or agreeing with these thoughts. I see you, it’s so tough. I hope we can get through it.

Username: LangwidereLangwidere

Date posted: 27w ago

@Butt3rfly11 I totally understand. I’m feeling this too. One thing important to remember is that doubt is completely normal. Urs also important for us to trust ourselves.

Username: tswift123tswift123

Date posted: 27w ago

oh my god i relate to this 100%. i’m not officially diagnosed either but i’m almost 100% sure i have ocd. i say just hang in there and remember you don’t have to decide straight away wether to break up with him or not, even though it feels like your a liar. just don’t cut off the relationship until you’re 100% sure, otherwise you might regret it and you’ll be giving in to your ocd!

Username: Anonymous_confessions Anonymous_co...

Date posted: 27w ago

@tswift123 Yeah I really don’t want to break up, so far I’ve been committed to staying, regardless of what I’m feeling, it’s just tough to try and navigate the thoughts, what they mean, and what to do about them.

Username: tswift123tswift123

Date posted: 27w ago

@Anonymous_confessions yeah me too. it’s the middle of exam season too so all this stress is making everything worse lmao but i’ve told myself no big decisions until after exams and honestly until after summer

Username: Anonymous_confessions Anonymous_co...

Date posted: 27w ago

@tswift123 Well I hope things get a little better for you. Keep pushing forward and don’t give in to your ocd 😊

Username: Maureen

Date posted: 5y ago

How do you know it's a false memory/OCD and not something that actually happened? I feel like a terrible person. I'm a very creative person, and the more I stress about whether I did this bad thing the more it seems real. The worst part is is that I have no way of reassurance without sounding crazy. I have ROCD and I randomly started obsessing over the 7 months of our relationship whether or not I've cheated on him. Even though I love him more than anything and I would never do that! I'm constantly triggered by coworkers or classmates that I've previously found attractive or liked and/or I know they've liked me or flirted with me. I'm at the point now where I'm rereading simple texts/straightforward texts of these people asking me about school work or if I could cover a shift trying to find proof of something I can't remember. My partner knows about my OCD and is very understanding and supportive. I feel like I'm living a lie. When this first started my rational brain knew this wasn't real, but the more I become obsessed the more it becomes more distorted. I feel guilty for being happy. I just want to be guaranteed it's not real so I can move on with my life. It's moving to specific people now and it's scaring me how real it feels.

Username: Ridethewave

Date posted: 5y ago

HOCD, ROCD and TOCD . . . So my OCD recently all began with ROCD, I felt guilty all the time with my boyfriend, I wanted to stay with him so bad and I love him so much but my anxiety kept telling me to leave and that something wasn't right, that I'm going to be alone forever. Then my HOCD came up, "something doesn't seem right, what if you're actually gay?" and I struggled with this for about 2-3 months. After accepting that even if I am gay, I'm staying with my boyfriend.. The theme of being a transgender came up. That was the absolute worst of them all. It was at a time my anxiety was at its Peak so I was feeling disassociated and my mind just tried to explain that feeling as "you're in the wrong body". I was thoroughly convinced I was a man in a girls body for a solid 3 weeks, I woke up and that was the first thing on my mind "your a man and now youre going to lose your boyfriend, your life and everything that makes you, you." I didn't want to be a man, but my mind was saying "too bad, you are". I eventually went to therapy for this feeling, (they didn't diagnose me with OCD so they weren't treating me as an OCD patient) the thoughts eventually went away but now I'm back on my HOCD. Ive now thorougly convinced myself that I'm gay and will be with a woman for the rest of my life. I don't want to be and this thought scares me. I want to be with my boyfriend, not a woman. But my mind is saying "too bad, just accept that your a lesbian, you're in denial, just come out" but I don't want to be a lesbian ? can anyone relate to the feeling of convincing yourself to the point where you believe it?

Username: mirun

Date posted: 2y ago

Random blah-blah: I have GAD, and I think I have OCD too. I don't say that suffer from ocd since I'm not diagnosed. My ex-therapist suggested me to look up for bipolar disorder. The problem is, after half an year, I still don't think I am bipolar. Did my research inside my brain, as well as on the internet. The thing is, I am obssesing over my mental health. OCD was the last disorder that I checked, since I thought it's impossible for me to have it. I am anxious about this one. I am scared. I want to know if I have ocd, and since yesterday, that s all I am doing. Looking up on the internet to find an answer. I am scared if I book a call, the therapist will say: but you have GAD, not OCD. And this will be so bad because I... I honestly can t imagine why it would be so bad. Just that I ve lived in a lie for 2 days. I think my ocd is most obvious in my relationship with my bf. And I feel so bad because he keeps saying that everything he does - is never enough. It s complicated. I just want him to never doubt himself, his actions and our love.

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