- Date posted
- 1y
How do you know?
How do you know you don’t like the thoughts you’re thinking or the images in your head that you are seeing? Is there a way to get proof for yourself so I know I’m a safe person.
How do you know you don’t like the thoughts you’re thinking or the images in your head that you are seeing? Is there a way to get proof for yourself so I know I’m a safe person.
OCD is ego dystonic, meaning the thoughts go against your core values. That being said, there is no such thing as 100% certainty, so you can't really prove that you are a safe person. The best you can do is accept the risk and live your life, maybe you will do something, maybe you won't (I know, easier said than done).
I think one thing ocd patients have a hard time dealing with, like myself, is the time frame expected to become sub-clinical. When i was be treated for the first time, i had no idea about how ocd worked or how erp worked. I wasnt honest about some of the things that were bothering me and kept performing compulsions. It can take time to develop trust with a therapist. Some people have sexual or violent themes or maybe just obsessions/compulsions that are so weird they are afraid to talk about them. The therapist really has to put them at ease. And it can take a long time until someone accepts the uncertainty and stops performing compulsions to neutralize.
The whole idea of erp for ocd is to not know. Live with uncertainty and not perform compulsions to become certain. Because the certainty will always be disrupted eventually.
Because the thoughts cause you distress .. otherwise, it wouldn’t be a problem. You wouldn’t be questioning it.
Hey all, I’ve been having some ebbs and flows in recovery, but for the most part I’ve really had a lot of improvements in quality of life since starting treatment in 2023. Something that really trips me up is ruminating on my past and looking for “evidence” or “proof” that the things that I’m obsessed with are real and not OCD. I spend quite a lot of time doing this. I wasn’t fully aware I was doing it until recently. Example: that I’m secretly gay and lying to everyone (I’m bi), that I’m a horrible person deep down, that I’ve never actually loved any person including my family, that I have the “wrong” political or religious beliefs. I look for proof in every corner of my past. It makes some sense that I think this way because with my previous therapist, who I saw for 8 years and did not diagnose me with OCD, we would look for evidence and proof that my obsessions are irrational and I learned to deal with them that way. At the time it was a lot of health concern and contamination themes, but I literally learned to ruminate and search for relief. But I just kept getting sicker and sicker until I got diagnosed with OCD. It’s a frustrating compulsion that keeps showing up for me. What if these scary things are true? What if it’s not OCD at all and I’m in denial? Have I lied my way into thinking I have OCD? It’s so hard. Anyway, I’m curious if anyone else has come across this in recovery? Let me know your thoughts and I hope you’re well. ❤️
I have really bed harming intrusive thoughts and sometimes feels like it’s feeling! The thoughts happening every day and the hardest part is that I’m testing my self in head all the time if that’s what I am or want!!! Also, so many times feels like I’m been tricking myself and doctor or people and maybe I don’t have OCD, just that maybe it’s me really!!!! How can I know who I am really 🥹???!!??
Sometimes it feels like I’m chasing pleasure with my intrusive thoughts. Like I just keep thinking them over and over, or even making them worse, because maybe deep down I *want* them. And that’s honestly scary. It feels like I’m trying to prove I’m a bad person or even a p*dophile just to see if I feel disturbed enough for it to count as “real distress.” But sometimes, I don’t even feel that bad. Sometimes it’s just… nothing. Because if I don’t feel guilty or sick enough, doesn’t that mean I like it? That I want to keep thinking about it? Sometimes it feels like I like it. And that’s when I spiral the hardest. But lately, I’m starting to think maybe I’m not actually chasing pleasure. Maybe I’m just chasing certainty. This desperate need to feel bad enough to prove to myself I’m a good person. And when I don’t feel that level of distress, I panic. I do compulsions, just trying to force that feeling. But it never feels “right.” It never feels enough. And I get stuck in this loop of testing, checking, pretending to be okay with these awful thoughts just to see how I’ll react. It’s confusing. It’s exhausting. And it makes me question everything about myself. But I think I don’t actually want these thoughts. Maybe I just want to know, with 100% certainty, that I don’t. If you’re stuck in the same cycle, I see you. You’re not alone. You’re not your thoughts. You’re just trying to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense. And that’s okay.
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