- Date posted
- 1y
How do you know?
How do you know you don’t like the thoughts you’re thinking or the images in your head that you are seeing? Is there a way to get proof for yourself so I know I’m a safe person.
How do you know you don’t like the thoughts you’re thinking or the images in your head that you are seeing? Is there a way to get proof for yourself so I know I’m a safe person.
OCD is ego dystonic, meaning the thoughts go against your core values. That being said, there is no such thing as 100% certainty, so you can't really prove that you are a safe person. The best you can do is accept the risk and live your life, maybe you will do something, maybe you won't (I know, easier said than done).
I think one thing ocd patients have a hard time dealing with, like myself, is the time frame expected to become sub-clinical. When i was be treated for the first time, i had no idea about how ocd worked or how erp worked. I wasnt honest about some of the things that were bothering me and kept performing compulsions. It can take time to develop trust with a therapist. Some people have sexual or violent themes or maybe just obsessions/compulsions that are so weird they are afraid to talk about them. The therapist really has to put them at ease. And it can take a long time until someone accepts the uncertainty and stops performing compulsions to neutralize.
The whole idea of erp for ocd is to not know. Live with uncertainty and not perform compulsions to become certain. Because the certainty will always be disrupted eventually.
Because the thoughts cause you distress .. otherwise, it wouldn’t be a problem. You wouldn’t be questioning it.
Sometimes it feels like I’m chasing pleasure with my intrusive thoughts. Like I just keep thinking them over and over, or even making them worse, because maybe deep down I *want* them. And that’s honestly scary. It feels like I’m trying to prove I’m a bad person or even a p*dophile just to see if I feel disturbed enough for it to count as “real distress.” But sometimes, I don’t even feel that bad. Sometimes it’s just… nothing. Because if I don’t feel guilty or sick enough, doesn’t that mean I like it? That I want to keep thinking about it? Sometimes it feels like I like it. And that’s when I spiral the hardest. But lately, I’m starting to think maybe I’m not actually chasing pleasure. Maybe I’m just chasing certainty. This desperate need to feel bad enough to prove to myself I’m a good person. And when I don’t feel that level of distress, I panic. I do compulsions, just trying to force that feeling. But it never feels “right.” It never feels enough. And I get stuck in this loop of testing, checking, pretending to be okay with these awful thoughts just to see how I’ll react. It’s confusing. It’s exhausting. And it makes me question everything about myself. But I think I don’t actually want these thoughts. Maybe I just want to know, with 100% certainty, that I don’t. If you’re stuck in the same cycle, I see you. You’re not alone. You’re not your thoughts. You’re just trying to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense. And that’s okay.
So how would I know if it’s truly ocd or not? Like by accepting uncertainty, will I eventually realize if it was false or true attraction and if it was actually ocd or not? For example I was out today, right after my therapy appointment, I saw a kid that looked exactly like this girl my age that I was into. I felt a sense of attraction and I immediately went into the restroom to hide or smth I don’t remember, but when I came out I think I avoided looking at the kid. Idk if it was false attraction or not, I hope it was but I’m not sure. I can’t really tell. FYI I was never formally diagnosed with pocd before, but my therapist said that I have it but I still don’t believe it. I still feel like it’s not pocd because of the attraction feelings, I can’t tell if I like the feelings or not. I don’t feel any of panic, worry, distress, guilt or shame after any of those feelings. I did start crying when I got home tho idk why or what for, but I went to take a nap for a while and when I woke up it kind of became clearer if it was real or false attraction, but it’s still really unclear, I don’t get why I would feel that way towards a literal child, is it bc she looked like this girl my age that I was into? I hope it was false attraction, still can’t tell.
I know I'm not attracted to children, there's no proof I am and no indication that I am. Yet why do I still get these sexual intrusive thoughts? Why do I still feel so uncomfortable? Why do I feel disgusting, distressed and confused when I get them? Why do I get them in the first place yet I still don't feel anxious enough? I'm really confused about this. I'm not going to do anything to a child or think of a child that way yet at the same time It gets all over in my mind. Is it just me like uncovering some attraction to children that was buried and where would it even come from I've always been attracted to men that are older than me (not like grandpas or something but 1-6 years older) so why the hell am I even getting these thoughts now? I'm genuinely so confused and I don't want this to happen. It feels I'm betraying everyone especially myself
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