I feel that my death is better for and my friends and family my girl who i love for everything i wish I had never been born.

@peterateff I think the best thing you could do right now is to acknowledge and accept exactly how you feel. That doesn’t mean setting for less and not wanting to feel better , it just means coming to terms with your emotions so instead of being stronger than you , you are equal to them in standing if that makes sense. Numbness is not a symptom that lasts forever , I can assure you of that :) it’s because you are so tired and exhausted from constantly being at war with your thoughts , which is a common experience and there is so much hope that it will eventually go away. You seem like a very good person with the best intentions , and OCD loves fucking with good hearted people , which is the sad reality.

By the way I’m always here for you and you have me on your side now. I don’t see you as a monster , narcissist , or sinner , not even a little bit. ??

Thank you soo much really I appreciate your help❤️ That really really helped keep helping people guys❤️

@orangey aww it’s my pleasure ♥️♥️

No no no that would be horrible !! Look ik I don’t know you but I do care about you man and I would be devastated. Your friends are your friends so of course they wouldn’t want that :( you being something new and different to their lives that no one else could which is amazing. You matter and your life is valuable , please understand that :)

Not true. I’m in no position to judge anyone , do you wanna open up ?

Well thank you for these words but I don’t really feel sad about these thoughts i dont feel guilty i dont feel love and don’t feel grief I don’t feel anything i just know by my brain that this is not good ..even i dont feel embarrassed to talk and tell this story !!! I’m soo messy and complicated but I have done horrible things in the church itself ..i lost a bestfriend and i felt nothing..I can’t feel love and think horrible thoughts about anything that you cannot even imagine..how could i live while i know all of this how could i see myself as good while I’m seeing all people around me is sooo good loving caring respecting people..how could i make someone love me without feeling that I’m lying to him..i compare myself to all people and I’m the worse of them ..I can’t feel ..I can’t love ..i’m a liar But believe me i have never wanted to be this guy

I completely agree with @xiiiandreww. The whole reason of you suffering this much is exactly because you don’t want to hurt people, you want to love genuinely, because you care. OCD targets exactly our core beliefs! If you love your girlfriend, OCD will throw at you all the ‘reasons’ in the world why you shouldn’t be happy with her. As to the past... past doesn’t exist. Future doesn’t exist. The past and the future is only our notions of them, and OCD distorts that notions. The only thing that is truly real is the present moment. Presently what you have is relationship that is meaningful for you, and the rest are: OCD, a lot of guilt, and probable a trauma from being sexually abused as a child.

About not feeling anything at the moment: this is normal in the circumstances. This happens because you’re overloaded with negative stuff that your brain is not able to process, so it kind of shuts the whole emotional system down, and now you feel numb. When you get help, you will feel alive again. But you do really need professional help.

Thank you guys..i felt nothing about my friend before these thoughts came and my life was soo good at this time... really these days i feel like i could be happy and dance and do everything but my brain tells me no you don’t deserve this..

I’m from egypt and here these things is so serious and can’t be forgiven

Sorry for my English.but I appreciate all of your words and you are beautiful people that accept and love no matter what.i think that i cant fo this

I can only imagine how awful it is to live in a strict society where you can’t share such problems with anyone. But it’s not your fault, it’s just harder for you than for people from US/EU. What I hope you can do is to find doctor of psychology online and start getting talking therapy via Skype. You can google international ocd foundation. Then even if it’s not available you should read a lot on this conditions. For example, read this https://www.verywellmind.com/sexual-obsessions-in-ocd-2510558 article and overall this website is very good

And remember that just because in your social circle no one talks about this stuff, doesn’t mean that you’re alone. Probably many people you know struggle with OCD, strange unwanted thoughts and other stuff, but they like you don’t share them, because they are too afraid. But mental illnesses are real and common in every country whether people choose to discuss them or not. So you’re not a freak, you’re just human like everyone else

I don’t know if it answers your question but both me and my husband have mental health problems. I have ocd and unwanted thoughts which remind your thoughts, and my husband is sometimes depressed and have social anxiety. But we love each other no matter what.

No one is perfect and everyone has problems, many people are ashamed of something, but that doesn’t make us bad, it makes us human. You haven’t hurt anyone, you don’t want to, you’re trying to be a good person, you’re just scared. It doesn’t make you unlovable.

Thank you soo Much your word made me tear up. Really thank you man❤️

Anytime bud you got it ??‼️‼️

He is soo kind❤️

I appreciate all of this .but believe me if you know me and the things I’ve done and the things i think you will probably change your mind..

I rote this in my notes i will send it to you

I’m writing this even if I don’t know weather I really suffer from a mental illness or I’m just a real monster,narcissist,sinner,.. i’m writing it while i don’t know wither if I’m really suffering and dad or I’m just numb i just wrote it because i will explode if i stay silent...when i was young i have no friend only some of my older brother’s friends they are really bad they had sex with me soo many times and when i grow up I continued having sex with my gender without feeling any shame or guilt and it reached that i had sex one time in a church and i didn’t feel guilty after it...in this period of my life one i was sitting in my aunts house and i slept beside her with all sexuall thought in my head as if a monster or an uncontrolled animal... but in some point i stopped all of that i promised myself not to have sex with boys anymore and i should be a new human...and time passed and life was soo good and i never remimbered the old life and mistakes i did in the past... after this period my bestfriend died of cancer and i felt nothing!!! I felt numb!! I didn’t fell sad !! But i overcomed this by saying that i can do nothing about it ...until i knew the most beautiful girl when i see her beauty inside, her morals,her pureness, i feel like I can’t even deserve to know her...she loved me but she didint know any of these things ..but I became a new human snd i will not return to who i was again ...but my brain didn’t let me .. a devil’s thoughts started to came to my brain.. sexuall thoughts about any thing in this life..mom,dad,brother,a baby, a child,dog,cat even my dead best friend,martyrs of church,anything 
I think sexually about god about everything and i feel it and sometimes i feel that i’m who bring these thoughts or feel that i have a really bad imagination that imagine things these way..and i thought in extremes so every time a bring extreme thing like all these thoughts...my culture is so religious and good people who love and respect i feel that i don’t deserve life ..how dare me to think these thoughts andd sometimes i didint care much 
..my community is far away from these and i feel like I’m the only person between them .. the worsest of then didn’t do one thing that i did.. i’m comparing my self with them and i always lose no one did what i did no one think what i think Not just sexual thinking in different bad ways that’s makes me afraid that is not ocd

i look at people as heroes and all i wish to be one of them.. I’m really a perfectionist and all of the way opposite to anything perfect i see myself as the worst..i hate feeling that i dont care i hate all of these nightmares... i destroyed all the things love relationships,purity even a death for my bestfriend that all his friends still love and respect and remember ... also I remember that I didn’t love before or know what is love.i’m a mess 
.all i know that I don’t wanted to be a monster or do make all of these mistakes Or to be a mess i want if i’m w monster to turn to a good human and if i’m numb and have no feeling to love and respect.. if I’m narcissist I respect others and care for them..if i’m the devil itself to turn to a good human being i just don’t want to be this bad but word (if) just a dream and i cant do anything 
 I feel like I don’t know what is love so I don’t love and there is nothing real soo that’s why these thought isn’t ocd ,these thoughts because you don’t love your dad or mom or your friend so you think of them that way i reallu don’t understand anything
I’m sorry.

First of all , I respect your willingness to talk about this as I know it can be really terrifying but the fact that you ignored your fears and went through with it is amazing and impressive. Second of all , let me tell you something you need to understand. You are NOT a monster over these thoughts and feelings and you never will be. Monsters do not care what they think about or who they hurt. Monsters only care about themselves and only feel bad that they didn’t get what they wanted. You sound very genuine and like youu care a lot about the kind of person you are which is a very good characteristic to have. As for the things you did with other guys a long time ago , you should really work towards forgiving yourself. Okay you did some things with them. So what ? Why let something in the past damage your present and future ? Especially because you can’t change it. Your best bet is to accept that it happened and tell yourself that it doesn’t define you and that it doesn’t deserve to have power over you. People grow and change and their past doesn’t have to reflect them ! It’s all about your perception. Why would you chose to let your past actions and current thoughts confine you to a box ? There isn’t any point. You’re attaching a meaning to them that doesn’t need to be there. Everyone at some point has intrusive thoughts but they realize that they don’t reflect who they are so they don’t stress them. You have to sit with the thoughts and let them be there , that way they lose their power and don’t have as much control over your mind and identity and spirit. God is forgiving and loving and just , he cares not about how you were , but how you are and how you’ve grown. God would never judge you for your thoughts as he knows that they aren’t your fault and never will be. Intrusive thoughts stay with you because you don’t like them. It’s like if I told you that you can’t do something you would wanna do it more. The fact that you constantly think about it or do it is because you put pressure on yourself NOT to do it. You’re a human being with worth and value and you in your entirety are more important than the thoughts in your head. They don’t have to represent who you are !!

Do you know what guilt is? It's what you are showing you seem to misunderstand yourself,you say you don't care than why are you here writing all this?why do you suffer if you don't care? can't you see?if you were "evil" and didn't care you wouldn't be here in this app writing all this you wouldn't be distressed, psychopaths, narcissists and bad people in general don't give a fuck about being bad they don't suffer or want to change they live perfectly happy doing bad things you don't therefore you aren't like that. The fact that you have "bad thoughts" doesn't make you bad actually it's the opposite, ocd hits where it hurts so because you are such an sensitive good person ocd hits there,me for example im not as good as you my conscience isn't that big so if i get a thought about killing or having sex with my mother i wouldn't care that's why i don't get these thoughts my theme is different not based on conscience as im not as good as you

And yiu know if my friends or the girl i want to be with knows all of these things they will leave me

I’m not scary or evil or hurt anybody but I’m a mess and i want to be far from anybody because I think I’m lying to them and i dont want this.

So sorru for this question but can you love or be a relationship with someone like oneday would you accept that and see him as anyone?