I’ve spiraled to the lowest of rock bottom. I now have all subtypes and I do not deserve to live. I hate my mind so much. This has all happened in 3 months and all because of reassurance.
I've been there and feel for you. Please know that with therapy hope springs eternal! I'm nearly 69 years old and have been dealing with OCD since I was a small child. Back then, no one knew what it was and I wasn't properly diagnosed until I was in my late 30's. Even then, no one really knew how to treat it. I've felt hopeless, too, but I got back into therapy a few years ago with a very good, trained OCD therapist (shout out to Judy Lair!) who uses ERP therapy. Found her through NOCD. Recovery has been messy, not linear, but I am well into recovery. If it can happen to me, it can happen to you! Don't give up, get help.
I feel the same way. I have no sense of self esteem or self in myself whatsoever
Same here 🙋🏻♀️
Hang in there. OCD is rough for sure, but don't lose hope. It will get better, the one good thing about rock bottom is the only direction to go is up. You may not feel strong today, I know I have days where I don't. So today take care of yourself. Take a shower, eat some food, and just rest. And when stronger days come you'll be able to look at your OCD and say 'you will not win over me!' Just hold on. Brighter days are coming. 💛
@Thatoneunhingedfae I just developed POCD and I’m really really scared
@Spirit130 I remember when I had those kind of thoughts for the first time. I was scared too. I was terrified of myself, and yet terrified to tell anyone. The day I finally admitted to my therapist was scary. But she didn't freak out, like I thought she would. At first she told me to avoid my triggers, and I thought she was condemning me. Then she said "I'm not telling you that for their sake, I'm telling you it for yours." Like I didn't deserve to suffer or feel scared just because of my illness. Your not your illness, remember that.
Hey .I am so sorry that you deal with this .You are not alone.you deserve the best
I think something we tend to do as people with OCD is try to label every type of intrusive thought as a subtype. While this can help us to an extent, it can also be detrimental. It puts too much pressure on us because it makes us believe that we have another insurmountable theme we need to deal with, when in reality it is all just OCD. I know how you feel. My intrusive thought all revolve around sexual taboo things. What makes it worse though is that I put too much emphasis on the particular thoughts and themes and ignore the fact that these thoughts hold no meaning. When I start to focus on individual subtypes I notice that I give the thoughts more meaning and power over me. I don’t think it’s possible to have all sub types because technically we can break subtypes down into smaller and smaller subtypes dozens and dozens of times over. I notice this happens to me a lot. For example, if I have a sexual intrusive thought about a child I might think, “oh no, I have POCD.” If I have a sexual intrusive thought about a family member I might think, “oh no, I have incest OCD.” Doing this just becomes an endless cycle. Next time you have an intrusive thought, try to not focus so much on the subtype. Instead, just accept the fact that you are having an intrusive thought, sit with the discomfort, and move on.
@Hopeful$7 Yeah, I’m in the same boat, all my thoughts revolve around sexual taboo things which makes it all the more distressing for me and causing me to depersonalize. I do have a question though, and I’m not asking for reassurance. I want to know based on your experience, does it get easier?
@Spirit130 Some aspects have gotten easier. However, I do struggle with some taboo thoughts more than others. POCD used to be the worst for me, now it’s low on my hierarchy. However, now I’m worried about another subtype which my mind believes to be even worse than POCD. I’m starting to realize that OCD will always try to one up itself and give you doubt and uncertainty about something you fear more. I thought POCD was the final boss to overcome in my mind, but OCD still found something else for me to obsess about. What is crazy though is that this subtype did not really bother me when I was in the thick of POCD. That’s not to say that you can’t have multiple subtypes at once, which you can. I’m just saying OCD tends to make you hyper focus on one in particular. I think being able to recognize this pattern has helped me realize that whatever OCD tries to convince you of is a lie. It’s just a bully trying to make you obsess about the most disturbing things imaginable in order to keep you at bay. At the end of the day though, it’s all just OCD.
I feel like I’ll never lead a normal life again with OCD, my thoughts have begun to be convince especially about POCD. I feel like so sad and down that this will be my life forever. I’ll never get to fall in love again without intrusive thoughts. I’ll never be worth falling in love with. I can never be intimate again. I’m just done, my life is over. I can’t even look at my nephew and niece anymore without the smile fading. It feels like I’m so nasty and then my brain convinces me this is how I feel. That there’s some part of me that is a p*do and that’s it. I’m a disgusting human being for that. I just feel hopeless
Everyday I wake up, all my mind makes me think of is the stuff I’ve done in the past, like all day I’m in a constant cycle of judging who I used to be and it hurts so so much. I wish I never thought to do those things, I wish I had been more mature than how I was before, it’s really lowering my self worth and I don’t think I’ve ever felt this miserable before, like last summer was the worst because I was dealing with this shit, I about almost ended my life over it, and I thought it would get better, which it did, but it didn’t last but for a while. As soon as it became 2025 I was going through it again, having constant cycles of “I’m a good person” to “I’m the worst person imaginable” and I’m so sick of it because I just want to feel like the good person l like to imagine myself to be, but I can’t because of shit I did in the past that I obsess over. I’ve cried and screamed so much over it and it seems like it will never leave me.
I feel like the worst kind of person and I am ruining my husband. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to change.
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