I’ve spiraled to the lowest of rock bottom. I now have all subtypes and I do not deserve to live. I hate my mind so much. This has all happened in 3 months and all because of reassurance.
I've been there and feel for you. Please know that with therapy hope springs eternal! I'm nearly 69 years old and have been dealing with OCD since I was a small child. Back then, no one knew what it was and I wasn't properly diagnosed until I was in my late 30's. Even then, no one really knew how to treat it. I've felt hopeless, too, but I got back into therapy a few years ago with a very good, trained OCD therapist (shout out to Judy Lair!) who uses ERP therapy. Found her through NOCD. Recovery has been messy, not linear, but I am well into recovery. If it can happen to me, it can happen to you! Don't give up, get help.
I feel the same way. I have no sense of self esteem or self in myself whatsoever
Same here 🙋🏻♀️
Hang in there. OCD is rough for sure, but don't lose hope. It will get better, the one good thing about rock bottom is the only direction to go is up. You may not feel strong today, I know I have days where I don't. So today take care of yourself. Take a shower, eat some food, and just rest. And when stronger days come you'll be able to look at your OCD and say 'you will not win over me!' Just hold on. Brighter days are coming. 💛
@Thatoneunhingedfae I just developed POCD and I’m really really scared
@Spirit130 I remember when I had those kind of thoughts for the first time. I was scared too. I was terrified of myself, and yet terrified to tell anyone. The day I finally admitted to my therapist was scary. But she didn't freak out, like I thought she would. At first she told me to avoid my triggers, and I thought she was condemning me. Then she said "I'm not telling you that for their sake, I'm telling you it for yours." Like I didn't deserve to suffer or feel scared just because of my illness. Your not your illness, remember that.
Hey .I am so sorry that you deal with this .You are not alone.you deserve the best
I think something we tend to do as people with OCD is try to label every type of intrusive thought as a subtype. While this can help us to an extent, it can also be detrimental. It puts too much pressure on us because it makes us believe that we have another insurmountable theme we need to deal with, when in reality it is all just OCD. I know how you feel. My intrusive thought all revolve around sexual taboo things. What makes it worse though is that I put too much emphasis on the particular thoughts and themes and ignore the fact that these thoughts hold no meaning. When I start to focus on individual subtypes I notice that I give the thoughts more meaning and power over me. I don’t think it’s possible to have all sub types because technically we can break subtypes down into smaller and smaller subtypes dozens and dozens of times over. I notice this happens to me a lot. For example, if I have a sexual intrusive thought about a child I might think, “oh no, I have POCD.” If I have a sexual intrusive thought about a family member I might think, “oh no, I have incest OCD.” Doing this just becomes an endless cycle. Next time you have an intrusive thought, try to not focus so much on the subtype. Instead, just accept the fact that you are having an intrusive thought, sit with the discomfort, and move on.
@Hopeful$7 Yeah, I’m in the same boat, all my thoughts revolve around sexual taboo things which makes it all the more distressing for me and causing me to depersonalize. I do have a question though, and I’m not asking for reassurance. I want to know based on your experience, does it get easier?
@Spirit130 Some aspects have gotten easier. However, I do struggle with some taboo thoughts more than others. POCD used to be the worst for me, now it’s low on my hierarchy. However, now I’m worried about another subtype which my mind believes to be even worse than POCD. I’m starting to realize that OCD will always try to one up itself and give you doubt and uncertainty about something you fear more. I thought POCD was the final boss to overcome in my mind, but OCD still found something else for me to obsess about. What is crazy though is that this subtype did not really bother me when I was in the thick of POCD. That’s not to say that you can’t have multiple subtypes at once, which you can. I’m just saying OCD tends to make you hyper focus on one in particular. I think being able to recognize this pattern has helped me realize that whatever OCD tries to convince you of is a lie. It’s just a bully trying to make you obsess about the most disturbing things imaginable in order to keep you at bay. At the end of the day though, it’s all just OCD.
since february i have "POcd". Initial symptoms were thoughts, but then I did a testing compulsion during an intimate time, and I spiraled ever since. I struggle with addiction to smut. I'm cutting that out, but I feel as if it is too late. Ive never experienced this much mental, and emotional anguish in my life. On my time on this application I have given advice to others, and helped around, but I wonder if that even applies to me. Millions of times I wish I could turn back time and be more careful. I want to prevent many things, including what led me to spiral into OCD in the first place. I'm surely having an OCD episode. I have gotten a diagnosis, but I'm still not sure. I feel evil, cause unlike many here, I tested on my body sensations and it backfired (twice) I know I'm not supposed to figure out why that is the case, but now I have to live with it for the rest of my life even if its something I don't desire. This is disgusting for me, it is abhorrent. I could've never seen this coming. Day by day I've become more fearful of living with this, "OCD". I was a normal person before this, I knew what I was attracted to, I know my preferences, so why did this come about? This is singlehandedly the most painful thing that has happened to me and I have nobody but myself to blame. I am scared of death but I also would'nt mind sleeping for years on end. My parents and brother were understanding of my situation, but I failed them regardless. I don't want them to see me this way, nor do I want them to learn more of my predicament. I'm cooked. I know it, Fin, thats all folks. I'm only 20 and I already have other diagnosed mental illness so I recklessly brought upon myself another one. Its agonizing to live through, I wish this on nobody, not even my worst enemy. I can't even identify myself at this point. Its tearing me apart.
I’m struggling so much, I don’t know what’s changed. I was doing so well for a solid two months and now it’s been over a month of just my lowest point. My bf has gotten upset at how much I do compulsions and it’s taxing him too. I can’t imagine how hard it is to be my partner right now. I feel exhausted I’m tired of my OCD finding new things to obsess or worry over. I’m so TIRED of getting stuck on technicalities. I’m so exhausted with the constant intrusive thoughts and intrusive thinking. I’m so sick of how compulsive I get when I’m so riddled with anxiety. I don’t want to keep pushing. It feels pointless if my life is going to be a constant loop of ups and extreme lows. I feel like such a disgusting, embarrassing person. I don’t want love because I don’t feel like I deserve it. I don’t want patience or understanding because it makes me feel so guilty. Like no one is understanding how bad of person I could truly be. I’m so lost and tired of this
I’ve recently been struggling a lot with OCD. I have had OCD for a long time I just didn’t realize it until more recently. About seven months ago I developed panic attacks one day randomly at work. I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the hospital where they told me it was just a panic attack and I assumed I would snap out and be better within a few days. However it didn’t. Here’s where it gets scary, I was staying at my then boyfriends house while dealing with blurry vision, anxiety attacks everyday, and more (unsure of what was going on). But at some point I saw my bfs (pew pew 🔫) on his table and it sent me into an anxiety attack after sudden thoughts that I was going to hurt myself with it. I begged him to put it away when I’m not looking so I didn’t know where he put it. He did. These thoughts lasted for about four days but began to go away. (I thought that was it and I would be back to normal). Unfortunately though I ended up moving back in with my family when we couldn’t get my panic attacks under control in time for me to get back to work and pay bills. However, coming home brought up a lot of trauma from when I was kid. My anxiety got worse but I didn’t have those thoughts again. About two and half months ago though, I got sick and went to the hospital where they gave me steroid pills and a steroid shot but sent me into some kind of psychiatric event. Ever since then though, I have been suffering from harm OCD, I have had moments of intense anger that I usually have to completely walk away and go on my own because of how intense they are, and it feels like it’s getting worse. Today I felt fine until about and hour and half ago where I started to dwell on the fact that my suicidal thought was influenced by my OCD and at the moment my OCD is at the worst it’s been. This caused me to get suddenly really depressed and I started crying thinking about how I can’t handle this. I then saw a post talking about how suicide rates are high for people with this form of OCD and it made me question if I am mentally strong enough to pull through this. I fear that at times I’m getting worse. I have good days but I have a lot of bad days. Unfortunately this sent me into such a bad panic attack I went over to my nanas crying about how I can’t deal with this. I took a 0.25 mg Xanax which helped calm down the panic attack portion of it but my brain is still uncomfortably active. I guess I just need hope. I’m so saddened by this. It’s like my life took a total 360 in 10 months and got even worse since the steroid shot. Idk what to do about it. I can’t stop the spiral. I talk to two different therapist weekly and start more next week, making it 5 times a week. I feel no improvements…
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