- Date posted
- 1y
did i cheat? - afraid of attraction to a friend
i have a classmate that everyone in the class likes to tease, so i do too. our friendship is not that deep. but in the month of may before the school year ends, we became friends in a same circle. so i was really happy, because i've always wanted to be friends with her. we share the same interest (ex; college course) so i encouraged her to apply to the same university that my bf and i will be enrolling for, and she did. now, the three of us will be classmates for the upcoming school year. before i got rocd, i really found myself seeking attention from her, i posted a picture of me and my bf and she liked it and i was so happy (i don't know if this is normal). i gave plushies to my whole circle including her and she posted on instagram "thank you my baby" ofc i got flattered, because i feel like the girl i wanna be friends with is finally acknowleding me as her friend, i was really happy in that moment, my bf also liked the post, bc i reposted it in my story. everything just seems normal, but i could feel that out of our friends, she is really the one i wanna be close to, she's fun to be around bc of her sense of humor, she's also pretty and i admire her body shape (not in sexual way, i just really appreciate it), the feeling of wanting to be friends with her did not feel ok to me, because when we're having lunch with my bf, i found myself teasing and leaning on her while laughing and my bf pulled me back bc i'm close to falling on her back bc of laughing hard, i felt guilty right after my bf pulled me back bc i feel like, i'm too focused with my friend and he's feeling left out, i didn't realized it that time and i know i was wrong for that. and then the day i got rocd, i was reminded of everything that we did like interacting, teasing, laughing, and joking around, and that it is cheating. i've fully convinced myself that time that it is just a false attraction bc i would never feel okay that i'm attracted to someone else and i never wanted to cheat. but the thoughts didn't stop so i had to tell it to my bf because it's making me feel so guilty, he was so sweet and understanding of my ocd. i searched a lot of solutions to cope with this and i found ERP therapy, so i did it and i'm scared to do it bc i feel like it's cheating and not just asking telling your partner for assurance that it's okay. i didn't actually did it but i just acted casual with her, not like before when we are close. i thought i was getting better, but then i got reminded of the feeling i felt back then that is not a big deal to me before bc i am not aware of rocd yet. this friend likes to talk about finding a bf because she's jealous of us having bfs, when i read that message of her in our gc about bfs, i got this feeling that i am jealous, that time i didn't freak out or overthink about it i just let it pass bc i know i have no inention to cheat with her. as soon as i got reminded of that moment that i've completely forgotten but had to show up when i was getting better. i got scared realizing that it might be a real attraction and that i just don't want to admit it because it doesn't feel okay to me that i am attracted to her even though it's actually normal. i keep ruminating about the past events to make sure if i really have no idea that i am attracted to her and still interacted with her. i feel like i cheated bc i was in denial of the attraction, i really thought it was just a false attraction that's why i keep fighting the trigers before including going back to our normal friendship, but i was totally wrong and i really regret for not realizing it sooner and so i could avoid her sooner. i get triggered everytime she chats me about school, even though it was just a casual message i still feel like it's cheating so i show it to my bf, so he won't overthink. but in personal, i don't feel anxious with her bc i have my bf beside me, i'm with him the whole time at school and didn't approach my friend unless she approach me first. i'm taking medicine for my anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. i am really terrified to cheat i ruminate everything in my past to make sure i didn't cheat with my bf i love him so much i will never hurt him. did i cheat? does anyone have advice how i should act around this friend without hurting my bf's feeling? it will be really hard to avoid her bc we're in the same school and same class, i'm totally screwed.