My biggest opp

This shit is RUINING my relationship! I’m so FUCKING done with this. I think I have trans ocd but my past actions are messing with me because a couple of times in the past I said that I was trans. Like without thinking. And I’ve joked about being a boy in the past because I’m not very girly. I’m a tomboy. I’d say I was trans because I somehow thought it was cool or something. Well I’ve never hated being a girl. As a kid I was really girly like REALLY girly. I hate the thought of being trans and right now I’m going through so much anxiety. I have a boyfriend and I love him a lot but if I do turn out trans it will ruin everything. I never lay awake thinking about being a boy. I never cried or was sad because I’m a girl. I hate myself for saying these things when I was younger because now I’m so stressed about it. Please help. Am I trans for these things? Because I used to think there might be a possibility or myself being trans because I was kinda tomboyish but I never worried about it. It was just something that crossed my mind. I liked dressing masculine and looking masculine too. I remember when this whole ocd thing hit full on I clearly remember thinking “ohh this is really similar to when I had murder thoughts”. I really hope it’s ocd. Fuck this is ruining EVERYTHING. I hate this so much.

Lately my OCD hasn't been satisfied with just HOCD, now its trying to make me feel and think that I'm Trans and I'm terrified I don't know what to do, I do MMA and I find it very hard to let my hair grow long because I really like Pixie cuts and now my OCD is trying to say "Hey, these things aren't very feminine, are you sure you're a girl?" And its giving me a lot of anxiety, any tips on how to deal with this?

i keep thinking that I’m using tocd as an excuse to avoid the truth that I might be a boy. I never thought that I felt this way at least not when I was younger and I thought I was normal and like any other girl. But now I keep remembering so much stuff from my childhood and it feels true and it was just something I didn’t know about until I guess I’ve gained the knowledge to understand how I felt? I’m not really sure I’m always confused and I feel like my head is going to explode, but I don’t feel like a girl anymore and I don’t feel connected to my body in the way I once was. Everything that I held as a value seems to be turning into something so morally against my character or something. I used to constantly feel like though that I was still finding myself or something as in like what I wanted to do career wise and how I wanted to dress like my aesthetic but I never felt like I was in the wrong body or that I wanted to be a boy. I of course had moments where the typical girl thing would be that boys lives are so much easier but I never wanted to be a boy or was envious of their gender. I love or I guess loved being a girl and didn’t want to change that. I’m not sexually attracted to women I really don’t want to be with a woman and I don’t want to be that masculine figure in a relationship or in any other area and life but I can’t help but think that this is my true self but I just don’t want to be a boy I loved being a girl and wearing makeup and dressing up and doing girl things but now all of a sudden it’s like I want to do every manly thing in existence idk but I know those things I don’t enjoy. I don’t know I’m so confused and can’t help but feel like I’m using ocd as an excuse and lying to myself and then when I remind myself it is ocd it just feels wrong idk maybe this is who I am and to be honest I just want to cry but even then I can’t tell if that’s real or not and that I’m crying because I still want to be a girl or just crying to cry idk