- Date posted
- 1y
My OCD story and pain at 18
Everything I will share happened in about 3-4 months, and I'm still recovering two to three years later. My Fears/Obsessions. 1-Denied salvation 2-That I can't walk or go anywhere I want to go. For example, ocd might suggest, “ What If walking is a sin?” or it will say, “Walking will condemn you.” 3- I am dumb or lack the capabilities to do everyday academic things like math or science. Some of the reasons why I may be doubting my ability are because I'm lazy, unmotivated, and also dealing with addictions(; Dopamine, porn, food.) These things have hurt me for most of my older teenage and adult years, premature beliefs and ideas. Some of this has stemmed from childhood; even now, the ocd is trying to get me to stop writing this paper. OCD is a liar; he takes what is true, like, “I can go anywhere,” and then tries to replace it with, “If you walk, you'll be condemned.” Therefore, I concur that ocd is the opposite of what is true. An average person never worries about whether they can walk or go anywhere or whether they will be condemned. Once again, I will repeat that some of this does come from childhood; I was abused by a man who used religion and condemnation to keep me bound and my mother. And even though it's been years, and I'm 18 now, and I know the truth, I still feel so bound. If I'm smart, why do dumb ideas and theories possess my mind? Why is it a fight to believe basic logic? Furthermore, over a year ago, right before I first asked Jesus to save me, I said, “Save me no matter what you have to do.” Shortly after, I had massive panic attacks; I thought the world was going to end then and now and that Jesus was returning now; amidst this was during the pandemic, of course (end of a pandemic). So then I would further go down into this rabbit hole, where I would think that if you grab this rag instead of this one, you will lose someone close to you. Additionally, thoughts like if you eat this food, you'll be condemned. And so then I would cave in and believe these lies and be delusional, and it was funny I acted like I was scared that if I were not good enough, I would go to hell, but then at any time, it benefited me, or I had to save my own, but I would lie, or do a grievous sin. Even during this period, I stole so much money from someone I loved and claimed it was a hacker. Lord, forgive me. I would even have thoughts of repetition that if I did not go on my knees and say a prayer, I would go to hell. I would pray on my knees in public restrooms and embarrass myself because of the compulsions; even now, as I write, I feel the anxiety and fear. Then I took antidepressants too, which helped tremendously at first but then left me so empty and made my existence hurt, even just being alive hurt (Btw I was 16-17 during all of this). And once again, I was eating nothing, so it had terrible effects on me. But now I'm 18, about to go to college, and I've been heartbroken over five different women already, and now I have the best girlfriend in the world. That's my story. Any advice would be great. Thank you.