OCD or Anxiety?

Hello everyone, I am new here. I am glad that I can openly share my thoughts with people who will understand and not judge me. I am still not sure if I have OCD or just anxiety. I wasn't a tidy person before but I knew when I was still in school that I did want my schoolwork to be perfect and organized. When I was young I lost my grandpa who was very close to me. Then I started telling my parents "I love you" and "Please don't die" phrases which they find annoying as I say this to them maybe 5x or more per day. 😔 And now that I am married I always say this to my husband too. He got used to hearing it each day. I wanted to stop this. I tried. But I felt like my day was worse. I felt like if I was not saying those phrases, I had the feeling of ignoring them and that I was not concerned for them. I noticed that after giving birth and I talked with my nurse that I should wash my newborn son's bottle and stuff separately, my desire to make everything clean heightened up. I started to think that if I did not follow the advice my son's stuff would be contaminated by other things. That he might catch this and that. I even used a separate sponge and if I think it touches something I will rewash them. This is so time-consuming but it makes me feel that I am doing it right. Before the pandemic started, I already had a habit of washing my hands once I got home. I didn't care about the others if they did. But now, oh man, I want everyone to do the same in our house. My husband and my son are doing the same now. It became a routine in our home. Before when a visitor won't wash their hands, I do not care, but now it irritates me. I can't say it directly because I am afraid of hurting their feelings but I can't function properly. It will be in my head the whole time. And I will think that everything they touch is dirty. If I do not have access to the washroom, I will be using a hand sanitizer. I always carry one. When COVID was new, I thought it was just a normal flu, in Canada it is common in winter. I was not too concerned because I knew it would be cured. But since I watched a lot of news of people dying and unfortunately my dad was one of them, my cleanliness heightened. I do not want anyone to die. I felt like I did not give him enough advice to protect himself. I researched stuff on how to disinfect, and I learnt about making hypochlorous acid as a natural disinfectant without harmful chemicals. I wiped all our groceries. And the worst is once I go out I feel dirty and contaminated already. Everything, like literally everything that we buy, should be sprayed and wiped down. I even used the hypochlorous acid to spray myself before entering the house. Not only that but to my husband and my son too. At first, I do this to my visitors, but I know I am being judged. So I just close my eyes and let it pass. But the concern of bringing anything dirty into our home boils down in me. I can't be in the moment. I am overwhelmed. After every party, I will clean and spray everything to be disinfected. I will steam the floor so I know it's clean so that I do not have to wipe anything that falls on it. It is tiring but it makes me feel like I am living in my safe zone. I feel like I am protecting my family by giving them a clean home. When we travel, I will wipe down everything from the plane to our hotel room. I packed some of my spray and wipes. We will use slippers inside the room because I know a lot of people use their shoes inside the hotel rooms. Everything that falls on the floor is considered dirty. (Btw, I am Asian, and it is normal for us not to bring shoes inside the house) I always tie my hair up so it won't be dirty. I do not bring a bag so I won't quarantine it or wash it after I use it. We only wear our clothes once. I want to be normal. I tried to limit spraying myself and my family and all surfaces. I tried to not wipe the groceries and I do not know if this is just a coincidence but everyone in our family got sick. So I went back wiping everything again. I don't know what to do anymore. 😥 Has anyone experienced this or presently experiencing this?

cmac1339

Date posted: 1y

I would advise you to work on resisting one compulsion at a time. It also really helps to have a therapist to be a close mentor so you don’t have to do it alone

cmac1339

Date posted: 1y

@cmac1339 Getting an official diagnosis would also help you a ton. It sounds like OCD but only a medical professional is equipped to confirm that. Regardless, I think Exposure Response Prevention therapy would greatly help you

Pinay87

Date posted: 1y

Thank you so much. I would love to have a therapist that will help and guide me but for now, we are tight with money as we are currently doing a big house renovation. This also drains me mentally. :(

Anonymousove...

Date posted: 1y

My contamination ocd took off when covid happened. I didnt want to touch anything or go anywhere. All groceries had to be wiped. I thought my hair was contaminated just by being out. I would wash my hands over and over and over after being out. I thought my outside clothes were contaminated too. It was very hard for me to be around people or have people in my house, it would make me cry and be very distressed that I could not control everyone else. My contamination ocd has moved on from covid and is now focused on germs in general which isnt too fun either. Im not a therapist or dr but I will say some things from my personal experience and what I’ve learned: Disinfecting everything and killing all germs can be bad for your immune system because there are also good germs that we kill when disinfecting. That scared me enough to stop wiping things with clorox wipes. No groceries get wiped down anymore and it’s been fine. ERP is effective and seems to be one of the best ways to get through ocd. I kept being put in situations I was uncomfortable with that was out of my control but I think that is what helped me to move forward. The people in our lives who follow our “rules” to be clean can actually be unhelpful towards getting better. My husband doesn’t give into my compulsions anymore and sometimes it pushes me to deal with things. I know it can be so difficult and I am still working through a bunch of things but we have to push ourselves to stop being controlled by our thoughts. I hope you can get some sense of relief soon and possibly little by little start exposing yourself to the things you are uncomfortable with

Anonymous1486

Date posted: 17w

Is this OCD?

I’m hoping to get some feedback or hear if anyone else experiences similar things. Lately, I’ve been noticing a lot of repetitive behaviors and thoughts that feel hard to control. Some of those things are: - I often get this uneasy feeling, and if I don’t do certain things in a specific way, it just doesn’t feel "just right." - I have to wash my hands until it feels "just right," and if I try not to, I get a thought that something bad will happen if I don’t. - I dislike using public bathrooms and even shared bathrooms at home. - When I shower, I have to wear socks before stepping on the floor. If my feet touch the ground, I feel like I have to shower again. - I get hyper-fixated on cuts, worrying about them getting infected, and I avoid touching water or anything else to prevent bacteria, even if I can’t cover them with a bandaid. - I can’t use dishes that have just been washed because I think they haven’t been cleaned properly. Instead, I use the ones that have already been dried and stored. When I type (like on emails or texts), I’ll fix what I write over and over, trying to make it "just right." - I have a strange dislike for certain numbers (7, 4, and 6) and feel uncomfortable around them. - I also have to follow routines, like making my bed in a certain way, and I can’t stop until everything is in the right order. - I get stuck on intrusive thoughts, like needing to wash my hands repeatedly or constantly checking things (like if I turned off the stove) because I fear something bad will happen if I don’t. - I’ll even repeat things in my head, like words or phrases, to make the "just right" feeling go away. - Sometimes, I treat inanimate objects like they have feelings and worry about hurting them, even though I know it's not real. - I’ve always felt like I’m being watched, which causes a lot of distress. There’s more, but these are some of the main things. I feel like these thoughts and behaviors control a lot of my day, and I just can’t stop them even when I know they’re kind of irrational. Does this sound like it could be signs of OCD, or is it something else? Or just normal behavior?

c0dfish

Date posted: 17w

How to keep contamination ocd from taking over?

(long read ahead, sorry lol) I’ve struggled with ocd for as far back as I can remember. I find that it gets worse with stress, and recently I’ve really been struggling with the contamination aspect of my ocd. I’m worried about it becoming unmanageable and negatively affecting my relationship with my partner. I’ve been living with my boyfriend since January (got kicked out of my house a week after I turned 18, it’s for the better though my house is toxic as hell) and I love living with him, but him and his family aren’t as concerned with cleaning as I am used to. My boyfriend and I have been together going on 2 years and there’s been many times throughout our relationship that his struggle with depression severely impacted his ability to keep up with cleaning his room. This is something I completely understand because I’ve struggled with it too so i’ve often helped him clean, and since i’ve moved in he’s done so much better at keeping up with cleaning (especially because he knows about my issues with clutter, mess, germs, etc.) He is really good at being accommodating towards my needs (not overly so, i’m aware that recovering includes accepting being uncomfortable), but it’s so hard for me to differentiate between what is the normal standard for cleanliness and hygiene and what’s excessive and unhealthy. I get so stressed out every single day over the thought of how dirty everything is. He has 3 cats that mainly stay in his room (he has a catio attached to his window/side of the house) and dogs which stay on the opposite side of the house and backyard, so there is fur everywhere constantly (i’m also allergic to cats but it’s not severe). I can’t stop thinking about how they are getting germs from their litter box all over everything. They also used to piss under his bed and in his closet when his room used to be a mess and it’s soaked into the floor so no matter what it stinks. It’s so hard to bring myself to walk around the house without slippers because my feet will get visibly dirty and my socks would get covered in hair. I always think about how my boyfriend sometimes walks on the rugs in the bathroom in shoes and all the germs that spreads. There’s so many more things but this is already getting long and I am shaking just thinking about how unclean everything is. I want to deep clean the entire house myself so I can get it to where It’s not like psychological torture everyday and it’s easier to maintain but I have been so busy I don’t have the time. I am worried about my boyfriend thinking I don’t like living with him or that I think that’s he’s dirty but i don’t. We have had several conversations about this and he’s reassured me that he knows none of my obsessive thoughts are personal but I still feel so bad about it. I would like to get therapy to help work through this but currently that is not an option for me. I know things will get better once I get through the main things in my life that are causing a lot of stress and therefore making my ocd flair up, but I need advice on what to do in the mean time. I keep having moments where all I can do is shake and cry and clean and I feel bad for my poor boyfriend who can only sit next to me and try to comfort me or help me clean. I also don’t want to make him worried that nothing he does is enough for me (i’ve also already talked to him about this and told him about how I can never even be clean enough for myself and that I don’t think he’s dirty). There’s been many times where I want to tell him to do things that I think might be my own unhealthy compulsions (ex. not wearing shoes in the house or in our room, not getting into bed with socks on, making sure to completely dry off before getting out the shower, put makeup and jewelry back where they belong right after using them, etc.) but i can’t tell if they’re reasonable or not and i try to not tell him unless it’s something that severely distresses me. I’m aware that everything is going to have germs no matter what and have been using NER’s to help manage my thought spirals/rumination. I know that I shouldn’t keep doing compulsions because it just offers temporary relief and makes the problem worse because nothing will ever be enough. I just feeling so overwhelmed and hopeless and exhausted and want some feedback.

bun <3

Date posted: 15w

everything around me feels contaminated :((

sorry this is super long i just wanna know if anyone else has been thru something similar bc i feel super alone 🩷 i have super bad contamination ocd. it was bad already but my house was like my safe space until a few months ago someone brought something into my house that i considered ‘contaminated’. and so then i felt like that part of the house was contaminated, then it spread to everything outside my room (since family is moving around touching stuff) and then somehow i got convinced everything in my room except my bed is contaminated and i need to wash my hands after touching it. in my mind its like the contamination just infinitely spreads to things after the tiniest bit of touch. idek what im afraid of anymore or even what the original thing was but i can’t let it go. when i have to wash off contamination i have to wash at least 4 times or until it feels right, or sometimes take rlly long showers and wipe down all my stuff. i even throw away food and clothes or just whole items sometimes because they feel so contaminated i don’t want them in my space. i can’t be super near people or have anyone touch me, and i also can’t bring anything new into my room since it had to go through the entry of my house which feels contaminated. i feel like all i do is lay in bed and then wash my hands and do compulsions so i can go eat or do other stuff around the house. also i never go out because i’m bc people outside make me feel dirty, and i hate thinking about how many people have touched stuff in stores or in public and stuff. so im just in my room worrying all day. i feel so trapped and the contamination/avoiding it is all i think about anymore i barely have time for anything else and im never present when i talk to people because im worrying about if i accidentally got contaminated. im starting erp next week and knowing that im going to have to expose myself to things is really freaking me out. does anyone else have this kind of ocd ? im exhaustedddd 🥲🥲💔

Contamination OCD

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