- Date posted
- 1y
ROCD spiral
I need help really badly. I’m very deep into an ROCD spiral, I haven’t slept all night and it’s 4 30 in the morning. I really really don’t think I love my boyfriend of 11 months. I want to so badly I’ve never felt like this before. I’m only 15 but he’s really the love of my life and I’m losing him because of these thoughts and feelings. I can’t even tell if it’s ROCD or just how I feel. I want it to stop so so badly. I just want to love him again. I don’t feel ready to give up yet but I feel like I do but I don’t want to want that. How can I get the thoughts to stop and how do I live him again. I don’t want anyone else to be with him ever but I want him to be happy . He didn’t do anything wrong and he loves me so so so much and I feel so guilty. I’m not able to see him for a week because he’s spending some time with a friend who he hasn’t seen in years but I only feel better when I’m with him. I’m so terrified. Id rather die than not love him. I can think of our general relationship and it was so so perfect before the thoughts and it brings me comfort to know I still have that relationship, but when I think of him as a person I really don’t think I love him. It’s always the one same thought to that I don’t love him, occasionally I’m worried that we’re going to break up. I can’t tell if I miss him, I don’t think I do but I want to. None of the hospitals or councillors or helplines are calling back. How do I love him again please help me. I’m scared it’s not ROCD and I just don’t love him but I’ve lived him since we were 11 and I’m autistic and I don’t like change so maybe I’m just worried how things will change. I’m so severely depressed and I need him. I need it to stip and I need to love him again. I need help please help me love him again