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tw: nsfw 17f I have a real even ocd from a sexual event with an animal (my cat) from where I was younger. Remembering it ruined my life and made it a living hell. It was bad. It's not one of those innocent events people always assume because I have ocd and then they get all surprised when it was actually bad and sexual. (animal wasn't harmed though) So basically I developed I fear of interacting or even looking at animals after I remembered so I was avoiding my cat like crazy, but then I realized that it's cruel to ignore an animal who wants love and attention, so I forced myself to overcome it kinda. I basically downloaded a habit tracker where I mark when I was able to pet my cat cause while it's triggering I want to give my cat love and I'm trying to pet her everyday So yesterday I was petting the cat. And she was extremely enthusiastic about it. Like she was almost throwing herself on me to get more pets like kinda agressive at this point to get pets. I started thinking how animals go in heat in spring. But she is like sterilized so I wasnt sure its possible for her. Like maybe they are just more active in spring? But what if the pets are somehow sexual for the cat? Then I thought maybe I shouldn't pet her then cause that's wrong. But then I thought like who cares and also then it will be like this the whole spring should I just not touch her the whole spring and ignore her again? I was also tired a bit so I wasn't thinking it all through that much Now I'm freaking out so bad. Like I knew there was a possibility that it was sexual for the cat and still continued petting her I didn't stop. It's so bad. Like I thought its whatever since it's not sexual for me but now I'm freaking out. Like the whole me being a better person and learning on my mistakes after that one earlier event was for nothing if I was able to do something like this I'm freaking out so bad

i did something terrible trying to prove to myself that I can get """arousal""" even without being attracted because i was very nervous about pocd, I thought about several people that i'm not attracted to and then i did it thinking about a loved one and now I can't stop crying, It was very disgusting, I didn't even want to do it because I didn't feel good, but it's because I wanted to prove to myself that, I don't know. I just wanted to relieve the anxiety but it only got worse because I felt horrible doing it. I never want to do it again. im not attracted to this person, nor do I feel anything like that for them, but I feel terrible now, I've never been so scared. i want to apologize to them too. is this compulsion????? what was i doing? why did i do this, i feel horrible but i i want to test myself again, i don't know why (im using a translator, there may be something wrong, please help me)

little involuntary unconscious movements earlier i was petting a dog that was sitting next to me and i was standing up and i was petting in on the head and after a little while i looked down and my foot was pushed near her private area i think i moved i didnt know it was happening. it happened last night too i was standing next to my cat and i had thought about my leg being right against the beginning of her tail and i looked down and thats where i was and i moved. i dont feel safe around people or animals, im better off not being here. its safer for everyone im not looking for reassurance, im pretty sure i dont have ocd anymore, im nothing, im disgusting. i don’t expect anyone to say anything i dont know why this happens so often im terrified.