No light at the end of the tunnel.

@M123456 I don’t really have anyone else helping me or supporting me is the problem… I only see my therapist three times a week for an hour, so that’s not enough to get support the rest of the week.

@CalicoTiramisu Exactly. I feel like a burden completely. Especially since it was a family member, and I’m living in their house. I wish she would’ve just not bottled it up for so long. That was the problem, I think… that she just held it in instead of talking it out.

@Alexssa I've been there :/ Being an adult for a little has kind of taught me that people are way less mature about their relationships and emotions than they make it out to be. If you do talk it out eventually I'd just make a note that you are trying, you are making progress, and if they don't want to be a part of that or get overwhelmed they could ask you gently to take a little step back from them. Threatening to force institutionalise you when you're actually starting to feel relief is just not helpful. Best wishes!

@CalicoTiramisu Thank you for the advice and feedback! Being an adult is so hard!

@Andy F Thank you for the book recommendation! I’ll have to check it out. I just don’t want to ruin my relationships with my family. I know this is just as hard on them as it is on me, but I can’t just get better overnight.

@Inner Peace It’s not that she’s not supporting me, because she has been for years, it’s that she’s my only real support person outside of my therapists. So I feel like she’s just getting fatigued and overwhelmed, but I need her right now through this… which scares me… because if she can’t handle it anymore, I won’t have anyone else.

@Alexssa - Have you told her any of this? Has she personally told you that she is fatigued and overwhelmed? If so, it may be that she sees you struggling because she loves you, and she does not know how to help you. I get if you don't want to tell her what you are going through. I'm struggling with the same thing with my support system. I dont' know where you are at but I struggle with articulating how I am feeling while also worrying that if I do tell her she will reject me. Again, I don't know how you feel about talking to her, but maybe think about choosing a time that is not busy, good luck with that, lol, to talk to her. Choose a time where you two can talk about things. Start with acknowledging her feelings then tell her how you are feeling. Let her tell you or not tell you that she is overwhelmed and/or fatigued. If she is, acknowledge her and share what you are feeling. Take it from someone who knows how easy it can be sometimes to project our feelings onto someone else. The long nights of running over and over in your head all the things that could happen, all the things that you want to say to your support but then all the irrational fears come in. You are doing great! Just keep going and know that you are absolutely, positively not alone. So many people, including me, are here to help you. Keep going! PS. Have you had any sessions yet? They really lend some perspective. Have you had any therapy sessions outside of NOCD? Are you thinking about the group therapy sessions? Am I asking too many questions? LOL.

@Inner Peace We have talked about it, and she has said she is tired from it all and that it’s really hard on her and that she just wants me to be better. But when she says that, I feel a lot of pressure to be better right now I guess. And yes, I’ve had sessions with a therapist at NOCD for a couple of months now. I also see an outside therapist. I also went to two support groups through NOCD, but they didn’t address contamination OCD, which is what I have… so I didn’t really get much out of them, sadly.

@Alexssa - There you go! She wants you to be better, that's what you should take from that conversation. You are doing everything possible to heal, you're making efforts and taking ownership, that is more than most people do. Not a lot of people are that brave. Imagine how others are struggling and they haven't or are refusing the help. You are so brave! Keep your chin up, healing is a marathon not a sprint. You are doing great! hang in there. There is always light at the end of the tunnel even if it seems like pure darkness. Sometimes it's in the darkness that we see the light. I know that sounds weird, whatever LOL. Hang in there! You are doing great! BTW. Curious. Have you always struggled with contamination OCD or did a certain event or series of events trigger it?

@Inner Peace It’s just hard when I start feeling a little bit better, then out of nowhere another trigger pops up that makes me feel even more debilitated. Like stuff I know I shouldn’t be so scared of, I am. Sometimes even getting around the house is hard now… because I’m worried about what others have been touching that I live with…. Makes me feel so embarrassed. I have had minor OCD since I was a kid, but didn’t realize it was until recently. And now it’s making life hard and restricting me from doing stuff, so it’s become a big problem within the last 3-4 years.

@Alexssa - OMG! I know exactly how you feel. It sometimes feels like every step forward you take is just eight steps back. Those are the times that I congratulate myself on the progress I've made even if it is so microscopically small. Any improvement, no matter how small, is improvement. Did something happen between your childhood and now that created this flareup? I'm so sorry you are embarrassed. There is nothing to be embarrassed about I assure you. I think we all get to a place where we have to deal with something so that we can ascend to another state. I don't know if it will help you, but it has helped me to consider that I'm spending time in this space because there is a lesson that I am supposed to learn. Have you come up with any goals with your recovery? For me, I just want to feel better about myself and about the world. I just don't want to hurt anymore. You are doing great! It may not feel like that now, but just believe that you are here because you are meant to be. There is a lesson in everything. Also, always know you are never alone. I know it can be a lonely existence. Learn from the experts and try different stuff on to see how it fits. It may not be what you are looking for but there may be a nugget that you did not expect that gives you clarity. Keep going! You're doing great. It may not feel that way 😂 but you are doing great 😊

@Inner Peace It just feels like the last week I have gone downhill so much. I literally can’t stop crying throughout today. I got to a level 10 and can’t seem to calm down. It feels like my ocd has just completely taken over.