Sharing my story in hopes to reach someone else

Hi friends. I wanted to share a bit about my story in hopes that someone else may feel less alone or someone else can help me to feel less alone. I recently graduated college (a year ago) and moved to a city to pursue a graduate degree that is extremely accelerated. I moved away from my boyfriend, my family and most of my friends. I hate the city I live in. It’s terrifying, I’m alone 99% of the time and away from all of my support systems. Initially I was super stressed with the work load and constantly upset about my long distance relationship but now I feel numb to it. In the fall I had my first panic attack which then led to several months of extreme health anxiety. After working with a therapist this subsided and I felt at peace for a total of a week. Then ROCD fell into my lap and hit me like a truck. It was sudden, it happened so fast and scared me to death. It’s been going on for months now. I feel like I’m never present, I constantly question my love for my boyfriend. Is it real? Have I fallen out of love, do I find him attractive…etc. I also do mental compulsions. Checking, validating my feelings, looking at photos, googling OCD to make sure it’s an OCD thought and not actually my own, and seeking reassurance by telling other people. I tried to stop engaging in these compulsions but the lack of communication to my boyfriend increases my feelings of guilt which increases my beliefs that this is real and this is how I feel, despite the fact that I get so anxious over this thought. I feel like I’m at a stand still. Still in the long distance, trying to self manage, trying to avoid compulsions but hating my brain for bullying me with this conversation all day that makes me question my authenticity. I can’t determine my core fear…I am at a road block and looking for help.

Aries27

Date posted: 1y

I felt this one! Totally understand you and your not alone🤍

Mojonocd

Date posted: 1y

@Aries27 Thank you! It means so much to know we’re not alone in this

Chibee

Date posted: 1y

Ahhh this reminds me of my final year of college. 😭 OCD had me questioning everything, to the point that I had involved others in my confusion and kept asking and asking for reassurance. I didn’t know about OCD at the time and, on top of all of this, my family heavily disproved of my relationship and I had essentially lost their support. Felt like God was punishing me for pursuing a relationship. I genuinely felt at my lowest. I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I’ve been there and it’s so, so scary. Keep going to therapy, if you can afford it. Having someone who can pull you back to reality is so important. Does your partner know about your condition? I’d begin to brainstorm some ways to introduce him to OCD. You don’t have to go into specifics, nor does he need to know. But having my partner learn about my OCD changed the game for me—-he now can identify when I’m flaring up and knows how to shut it down. He’s my biggest supporter and, even if he doesn’t experience what I go through, he tries his best to understand. Your ROCD is targeting your relationship bc you value it, so do not avoid it. Do not let it prevent you from connecting with your partner. Let me know if you need any more tips. Take care!! ♥️

Mojonocd

Date posted: 1y

@chibiyu Thank you so much for this reply! He does know about it and I try my best to not go into too much detail because that’s a compulsion for me. Today I’m two days free of doing compulsions and being more mindful on how I interact with these thoughts! Stories like yours give me hope! First time I’ve felt hopeful in months! I appreciate you so much 🤍

Mariabae

Date posted: 17w

: I feel like I’m trapped in denial, confusion and guilt — I don’t know what’s real anymore

Hi everyone, I don’t really know how to put this into words, but I’ll try. I’ve been struggling with what I believe is ROCD for over a year and a half. I’ve been in a relationship for two years, and for a long time now, I feel like I’ve been stuck in a mental fog or trance — a constant state of doubt, guilt, anxiety, and emotional numbness. I can’t tell what I feel anymore. Sometimes I think: “Maybe I never loved him. Maybe I’m just staying out of habit, or because I’m in denial.” Other times I feel devastated and overwhelmed because all I really want is to feel love, safety, and peace again with him. I want to stop overthinking. I want to stop questioning if I’m lying to myself or if I’m hurting him by staying. My family (especially my mom and dad) and even my therapist have told me things that increased my doubts — that I’m only lying to myself, that I’m not really in love, that I’ve been unhappy since the beginning and I should just end it so I don’t hurt him anymore. My mom keeps saying “it’s not too late to walk away.” But it doesn’t feel that simple for me. When he tells me how much pain he’s in, sometimes I feel… nothing. And then I hate myself for not feeling guilt or sadness in that moment. I wonder: “If I really cared, wouldn’t I feel something?” But I also feel like I’ve become emotionally numb — like my mind and body are shutting down to protect me from constant fear and inner conflict. What makes it even harder is that we’re supposed to take a trip together soon for my 18th birthday. And instead of feeling excited, I’m terrified that I’ll feel numb, anxious, and distant even on that day. That I’ll ruin it. That I won’t be able to enjoy anything. And then I feel even more broken for being scared of my own birthday. I’m so afraid that I’m living based on a false “should.” That I’m staying because I should stay. But when I think about leaving, I panic too. Nothing feels right. Nothing brings relief. I just want clarity. Peace. And to know that I’m not alone or broken. If anyone here has felt like this — please let me know. It would mean everything right now. Thank you for reading.

br0wnie

Date posted: 12w

ROCD ?

Hi everyone, I’m really struggling lately and wanted to ask if anyone relates. I’ve been dealing with relationship OCD and possibly sexuality OCD, and things feel very overwhelming right now. I’m in my last year of university, studying something I don’t care about and never wanted to work in — I’m only finishing it because of pressure from my parents. I feel totally lost about what I want to do with my life, and the pressure to find a job is intense, especially since my girlfriend (we’re long-distance, and she’s also my fiancée) is working and everyone around me seems to have it figured out. Every time I look at jobs or go to interviews, I get hit with anxiety. A huge part of it is fear: “What if I fall for someone at work? What if a guy looks at me and I start questioning my sexuality again? What if I’m not a lesbian at all and I’m just pretending?” I also obsess over my feelings for my girlfriend — “Do I really love her? What if we’re not meant to be? What if I don’t care about her as much as I should?” These thoughts are intrusive and exhausting, but they feel so real. Even during good moments with her, I question everything: “Do I enjoy this? Do I really want this? Why don’t we have as much to talk about?” Then I panic when I don’t feel “enough.” I’ve also started to feel distant, and she’s noticed — she’s mentioned that I’m not as flirty or close as I used to be. That makes me feel even worse. To top it off, I have magical thinking issues — my therapist told me to avoid tarot, numbers, predictions — but recently my best friend joked about reading tarot for my relationship, and that triggered a spiral I haven’t escaped from for days. I’m also judging myself constantly: “Why did I text my best friend before my girlfriend? Does that mean I don’t care anymore?” Even when I do things that feel natural, OCD throws doubt at me. I haven’t been in therapy for a month and I feel like I’m falling apart. I’m trying to live like I don’t have OCD, but it’s so hard. I know some of this is probably OCD… but it feels so real. If anyone can relate or offer some perspective, I would be so grateful.

Mariabae

Date posted: 12w

please, i need someones help. sorry for long post

Hi everyone. I’m really struggling and I need to let it all out. I’ve been dealing with ROCD (or what I think is ROCD) for a long time, and I feel like I’m at my breaking point. I’m in a loving relationship with a boyfriend who is kind, understanding, and patient. But ever since I started reading a lot online, googling symptoms, talking to AI like ChatGPT, searching for reassurance, things have gotten worse and worse. And now… I feel completely disconnected from my feelings. I don’t know what’s real anymore. My boyfriend told me that he believes I’ve convinced myself that I have something that needs to be treated, and that all this constant researching is making me feel worse. And honestly, I think he’s right. Before I fell into this cycle, I could be more intimate with him. I used to say “I love you,” I used to feel warmth. Now I don’t say it anymore. I haven’t in a long time. And it hurts him. And I know I’m hurting him, and that makes it even worse. He also said that maybe I’m having these obsessive thoughts because I don’t have a daily purpose, that I need to get occupied, to stop being consumed by this. And others in my life have told me the same. He even suggested taking a break from each other for a week, just to give me space. But I’m terrified of that. I’m scared that the thing I fear most will become “the truth.” I’m scared I’ll feel relief, and that will mean everything I fear is real. But he told me that if I don’t want the break, maybe it means I still care. Still love. Still want this. The problem is, I don’t know anymore. And that’s what’s killing me. I’ve also had a psychologist who told me that just because I feel guilt or “care,” it doesn’t necessarily mean I like him — and that sent me spiraling. She said that maybe I care about people in general, but it doesn’t mean I love him. And it made me feel like I’m just lying to myself. That maybe I’m holding on out of obligation, or because I set in my head that I “have to be with him.” And even when he tells me beautiful things — logical things — things that SHOULD make me feel safe and seen… I don’t feel better. I just feel more empty. And then I start spiraling again: “If this doesn’t help me feel better, then something must be wrong.” “What if I’m just pretending?” “What if I’ve been lying to myself all along?” I feel like there’s something wrong inside of me. Like no matter what anyone says, or how much love I’m given, I can’t feel it. I just want to know what to do. I want someone to tell me what this is. I want to stop feeling like I’m running after a version of myself that used to feel, used to love, used to be calm. I don’t know if this is ROCD or if I’m just slowly facing a truth I’ve been afraid to accept. Please, if anyone has felt this way, I need to hear that I’m not alone. And if you’ve come out the other side… how? My relationship is perfect and he is perfect, i just deal with this and i am far from happy.

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