dee012

Date posted: 1y

Pocd and ZOO-ocd

I feel as though no matter what, I am going to feel like I am a p or a z00phile for the rest of my life. My ocd is terrible. When I do better in life, such as now, these things are always in the back of my head. As if im tainted, and no longer have the ability to be a good person. When I was a kid, I was very hyper sexual, I don’t know why, I don’t remember much. but I watched and did some pretty strange things. I am 18 now, obviously do not do those strange things, but I struggle with m-sturbstion ALOT.(it being a compulsion for my ocd, which is terrible) i have been in situations where this compulsion happened and it was inappropriate (either where I was, who I was with, or what was next to me, NEVER A KID, but sometimes my cat was next to me or very close) I try everyday to just move past all of this, but I feel as though I can’t, sometimes I do, then the rumination starts again. I really do not want to hear anything about turning to God. I believe in God but I am not very religious. I just would like to know a logical way how to feel like I can be a better person and not be tainted? Or am I even a good person at all or have a chance? Im not trying to reassurance seek, im just genuinely confused

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

I'm in the same situation, my porn addiction made me see and do TRULY disguating things, but now, years after I am dealing with the consequences. I wish I could erase the past but that's impossible. You are only a zoophile or a pedophile if you like having toughts or urges about animals and children, if they are distressing then they prob are intrusive.

dee012

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous They are very distressing. The consequences for me is guilt and shame, what about u? Do u have any tips on how to move past?

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@co653 Let yourself feel sadness, regret and shame, but also happiness, love and acceptance. A person very dear to me told me that we all made and will make mistakes until death, but overcoming them and living is for the few. The past is gone, but the future has not yet come. Enjoy your life, even in sadness, even when making mistakes, be proud of being able to improve.

dee012

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous I am trying to let myself feel shame and etc. I guess my issue is, I feel like I have to confess this to everyone? Or that means im hiding a deep secret that taints me forever? Sounds dramatic I know lol. But I just feel like I don’t deserve anything. Especially what I mentioned about the porn addiction stuff and how I acted on things that were pretty strange, one being very recent and I am 18. About the stuff about my cat being super close to me or right next to me, while also having zoo ocd. All I can do, like you said, is feel these feelings and let it pass, it’s just in this moment I feel like I’ll never be able to forgive myself or allow people to see me as a good person without me telling them every bad/strange thing I’ve thought/done/or said

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@co653 It is not dramatic at all! I felt that way too, this need to confess. But believe me, it won't magically make you better, it can help, but it's just a small step in a long race.

dee012

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous Do i have to confess these things to everyone i meet? Am i able to move forward?

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@co653 Of course not! Only confess to someone you really trust, I spoke to someone I shouldn't have and it only got worse... You MUST move forward.

dee012

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous Okay. I will try. If i get better, which I hope, will this be something that will hold me back from being a “good person” even if i put in the work to change? and be better and heal from my ocd?

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@co653 Look, being a good person is based on what you truly desire and do. Someone may be seen as a good person but has homicidal WANTED thoughts. You wouldn't say that someone like this is good right? bcs they don't regret, feel shame or remorse. But just the fact that you feel bad about your actions and want to improve already shows that you are good, because a bad person doesn't question their nature.

dee012

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous I understand that. Okay, i will try to keep that in mind. Id like to think im a decent person reaching to be a good one. Ocd just makes me doubt everything

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@co653 I am not religious, but I always look into Hinduism, and it makes me see that we are made to live, love, give and hate. So we should live our lives without caring, I mean, you did something wrong, that's fine, as long as it is not criminal yk.

dee012

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous As a kid when i was hyper sexual i did a lot of weird sht, that if i were to do it now it would be terrible and in my opinion criminal. That’s why it bothers me so much. Anything im worried about recently was just against my morals etc. i agree with some stuff about Hinduism also, im not religious but i feel like there’s some truth to each one

dee012

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous Did i say something bad? Or wrong?

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@co653 No, I was in the same situation, but what is what it makes your suffering worsen is that you Take things that happened in your childhood and bring them to the present. ALL children do strange things, but that's part of growing up. And of course, there are things that are harmless in one situation and not in others. What I did as a child was wrong, but I learned and grew up, and I never did that again. Believe me, you are normal, and trust me, I've met people who did things as children that would make your jaw drop. But that's life, we grow up, and that's the good part. I know you will get better!

dee012

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous Thank you, sorry for being annoying. Thanks for helping!!! It is nice knowing someone went through something similar

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@co653 No problem!! No one was there to help me, so I am glad to help whoever needs it!

Parker_b

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 25w

Sexual Real event ocd.

Getting eaten alive by thoughts right now, when I was a child me and other kids around my age would experiment and do things we shouldn’t have, I’m talking very young, like 3-5 as I got older I was for whatever reason always curious to a horrible extent and it lead me to do in appropriate things to kids around me, I was 7-8 at the time. I would say it happened 3 times in total in my childhood. And i eventually told my parents the last time it happened because even though I didn’t know it at the time. I had ocd. And I knew it was bad. That was when it all started. I feel absolutely disgusted with my 7 year old self and it comes up every once in a while especially when I hear anything about sexual abuse. I’m nearly 20 now and I enjoy my life for the most part and I’ve been down the ocd path before but I feel unforgivable. And I never want to tell anyone about it, but my ocd seems to want that. I have a beautiful girlfriend that had some traumatic things happen to her and I love her with my soul. I don’t ever want that to come up. Because that’s not who I am. When will I be able to forgive myself? If at all I hope I’m not alone.

Real Events OCD

Derickk

Date posted: 24w

Past mistakes and regrets.

TW: Abuse/Pocd Im feeling really hopeless right now. I have an extensive history of sexual abuse, neglect, physical and emotional abuse as well and a significant amount of trauma from my childhood. I didn’t get any help until my late teens. During this time period I was an incredibly troubled child/teenager and I made a ton of really bad decisions that go against all my morals and values now as a grown adult. I feel like I messed up so bad I don’t deserve to recover. I don’t want to discuss all the events because they are quite personal to me but I’m really struggling with past sexual mistakes and feeling like some sort of deviant because of my past. I never hurt anyone and I never to my knowledge did anything illegal but I definitely had sexual behavior issues from my abuse. I sexualized my own abuse to cope with it. I feel horrible about this. Like I’m a monster. It also convinces me my thoughts are true and it’s evidence. Should I go to a OCD specialist for this or a sex therapist? Is there anything they can even do.

HOY

Date posted: 17w

i dont know if its gonna get better

since february i have "POcd". Initial symptoms were thoughts, but then I did a testing compulsion during an intimate time, and I spiraled ever since. I struggle with addiction to smut. I'm cutting that out, but I feel as if it is too late. Ive never experienced this much mental, and emotional anguish in my life. On my time on this application I have given advice to others, and helped around, but I wonder if that even applies to me. Millions of times I wish I could turn back time and be more careful. I want to prevent many things, including what led me to spiral into OCD in the first place. I'm surely having an OCD episode. I have gotten a diagnosis, but I'm still not sure. I feel evil, cause unlike many here, I tested on my body sensations and it backfired (twice) I know I'm not supposed to figure out why that is the case, but now I have to live with it for the rest of my life even if its something I don't desire. This is disgusting for me, it is abhorrent. I could've never seen this coming. Day by day I've become more fearful of living with this, "OCD". I was a normal person before this, I knew what I was attracted to, I know my preferences, so why did this come about? This is singlehandedly the most painful thing that has happened to me and I have nobody but myself to blame. I am scared of death but I also would'nt mind sleeping for years on end. My parents and brother were understanding of my situation, but I failed them regardless. I don't want them to see me this way, nor do I want them to learn more of my predicament. I'm cooked. I know it, Fin, thats all folks. I'm only 20 and I already have other diagnosed mental illness so I recklessly brought upon myself another one. Its agonizing to live through, I wish this on nobody, not even my worst enemy. I can't even identify myself at this point. Its tearing me apart.

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