Here we go again

Last 24 hours have been pure hell. Lots of intrusive thoughts. Lots of images and sensations of me committing terrible things. I know they are not me. I don’t even fear that I will or even want to do it. I need my brain to leave me alone. I struggle to enjoy sex at the moment. I feel like an abuser. I’m anything but! It’s the total opposite of who I am! WTF is wrong with me?? Why won’t my brain get the god damn memo??? I’m going to send my cousin, my abuser to jail and I’m going to ruin his life like he has ruined mine. I’ve had enough of this. Everyone is going to know what a perverse little paedophile he is. I’m in the process of reporting him. And screw the family - they can hate me all they like. He’s not getting away with it. I hate my extended family except two people. They can all go to hell!!!!

I got into porn when I was around 14 or 15 I think and it just got very bad for a few years and I have a lot of guilt and worry for the things that I saw and touched myself to. I came across some bad things. I stopped all of that but I can’t get over the guilt from my teenage years. It bothers me all day long and disrupts my sleep now too. It leaks into my dreams. I just woke up from a dream related to that probably because I worry all day. Life is not enjoyable anymore all I do is worry in my head and say affirmations to try to make myself feel better. Right now I’m worried about so many things but specifically I’m worried what if someone I saw in a video was way younger? I remember being on xvideos as a teen and wanting to imagine myself with other people my age and I know I’m worried what if I watched something on there where the people were younger??? I think I remember putting teens in the search bar and it scares me because even though I was a teen myself I feel like that is wrong now and I’m worried about what I may have watched. I’m giving up on myself more everyday. I know I have zero attraction to minors and I know back then as a teenager I was not attracted to anyone anyone not around my age but I worry so much about things I watched and came across. I wish I had never watched porn as a teenager it has ruined my life and it haunts me every day. And also horrible fan fiction stories and other stories people wrote online that haunt me too. I’m worried I can’t ever recover or find help and I feel like I’m going to go to jail or end up k1lling myself one day because I can’t deal with it. I worry when I’m not crying or having too much anxiety I feel like I need to constantly be in distress and I am not allowed to enjoy anything or have anything. I don’t want anything anymore. I don’t want to do anything anymore accept just sit and worry and feel myself I hate myself. I feel ashamed to be around my family and anytime they do anything for me my brain goes “they don’t know they’re hugging a monster” “they don’t know they’re supporting a monster” and I just can’t take it. I want to find joy in life again. I would do anything just to be a normal person and not have had any of this happen and not have these worries. I feel like a mess every day I look so gross and I feel so gross and I feel like nobody can help me. I’m getting help soon but I just feel like it’s too late and like I’ve ruined myself and I just don’t feel good about the future. I feel like I am going to get sent away and that will hurt my family or end myself eventually and that would hurt them. I don’t want to hurt my family or anyone. I question how I could have ever been that person and what was wrong with me. I keep thinking back to things that happened before I was a teenager and I’m like does that count as trauma or something? Could this be why?? But also I don’t want to make excuses or feel like I’m pushing the blame onto someone else. I am the only one at fault. I’m sorry I keep writing these long posts I’m just not in a good place mentally. I feel like I am really sick in the head or something and I’m starting to fear maybe I have always been that way. I just want so desperately to be good. I don’t want anything other than to be a normal good healthy minded person and be here to support my family and others. I don’t care about myself succeeding in anything other than getting better, I just want to support my family in succeeding in whatever they want. I don’t want money or anything for myself. I have more than I deserve. I just want to get better. I pray but I don’t feel like I can be forgiven

Just had a huge spiral. I don’t know how it got started but I started having intrusive images really bad and maybe it’s because I was ruminating worrying that I brought it up so then it got to where every object I looked at an image popped into my head of me harming a child. And then I was literally looking down at my bed laying on my stomach so I wasn’t looking at anything, and I was so scared and nervous I was trying to think of the at wouldn’t trigger an image but accidentally kept thinking about random objects and then more images kept popping up and I feel so guilty and disgusting because I feel like it was definitely my fault. I DONT WANT THIS. And it hurts so much because I get no amusement or enjoyment or arousal from these images. I literally feel nothing for children. This didn’t start happening until a few weeks ago and I don’t have any idea why but it’s SO graphic and violent I feel like my morals have left me. I feel like someone who cares wouldn’t be eating, being around family, hopeful. I don’t want to do but I couldn’t live as a p. I can’t live with the images forever it’s so much to deal with I feel so guilty for living. I used to want to be a mom one day, not to play off of anyone’s emotions I feel like I am, but I’m 21 I had period issues didn’t have my period for a year and was really upset at times because I thought I wouldn’t get to be a mom one day. And now this is happening and it’s just vile and scary and it’s so confusing to me. I don’t understand.