I’m mad at myself

I can’t stop thinking about a time the thoight of cheating crossed my mind at a party and I was like “no it’s against my morals” and then started ruminating about it for hours thinking that maybe I should break up with my partner if I’m attracted to someone else I was cold and didn’t talk to the person the whole time ofc (I don’t really know them I just saw them that one time and they were hitting on me - which I rudely rejected and said I had a bf) I feel terrible. I feel like a cheater. I’ve been told I’m not but why do I still feel like I am? I feel like I betrayed my partner and I feel terrible and disgusting to the point I’ve been cutting myself.

Hello, I never got formally diagnosed for OCD, they told me I have autism with ocd tendencies but I think I have more than just tendencies. I’ve been reading some of the posts and I’ve never related to something more. These past few weeks especially have been awful. Let me explain. 1. I have a boyfriend and I’m coming to realize I may have ROCD. I love him to death but I can’t get over the thought that maybe I’m just faking for his attention and I don’t actually like him and that he doesn’t actually like me and just feels sorry for me. Now I know none of this is true, but it feels intensely real to me and I’ve started avoiding him because of it. We still hang out and I try to get past these thoughts but its hard. 2. I’m trying to lower the dose of my meds because I miss having emotions but now they may be too low and my depression/anxiety is coming back. The other day it was so bad and the intrusive thoughts were awful and I had the urge to SH. I physically felt like I had to do it. My boyfriend was on the phone with me, I kept trying to hang up so I could go do it, he wouldn’t let me. It was the only thing I could think about. “Luckily”, not really that lucky, he fell asleep so I snuck to the bathroom to do it. I hated myself so much afterwards but also felt relieved that I did it. Then super guilty. Then I started thinking I only did it for attention. It’s so stressful and I feel the urge coming back and I can’t stop thinking about it. There’s many other intrusive thoughts and compulsions I’ve been having but those were just two of the main ones. I don’t know what to do/maybe I could try exposure or therapy but I really don’t want to. Thanks for reading!

Hey guys, so these past 4 months I had a sudden onset of OCD after a concussion. It first started with HOCD which was super distressing as I’ve been in a 9 year relationship with my girlfriend. It then evolved into transgender OCD, which was horrible as well but it felt easier to disprove my intrusive thoughts. That and of course horrible health anxiety about my head. And it’s funny, as soon as I got comfortable with one topic, the OCD would jump to another. Basically over time I accepted all these negative thoughts about all these topics, so where does my mind go? I had a physical groinal response to an image of an underage person. It freaked me out so much that all day I was obsessing over it, I eventually told my girlfriend as she’s been supportive with me over the other topics. But this…. She’s angry with me, and doesn’t trust me anymore. And she doesn’t understand the groinal response. She did ask to sit in a therapy session with me to help her understand. But that’s about all the communication I’ve gotten from her. I feel so alone. And it’s literally ruining everything I’ve built up with her for the past 9 years. I wish I hadn’t told her. And instead just asked her to join a therapy session with me. Just making this post as I just need someone to talk to.