Caring what others think

You are unique and valuable, just as you are. Perhaps you've experienced high expectations and frequent judgment in your past, but it's time to embrace a new perspective. Remember, you're not alone in this journey. Like you, I once struggled with shyness, but I discovered a powerful truth: often, the perceived problem lies not within us, but in others' perceptions or our own self-doubt. The first step is to recognize and appreciate your inherent worth. As you begin to value yourself more, you'll find it easier to extend warmth to others. Start small: Exchange genuine smiles with people you encounter, offer friendly greetings to neighbors or colleagues Initiate light conversations about shared experiences like the weather or weekend plans It's natural to feel like others are judging you, but take a moment to reflect on your own thoughts. You might find that you're the one setting impossibly high standards for yourself and others. By letting go of these judgments, you open the door to more authentic connections. The journey begins with self-love. As you learn to appreciate yourself, this positive energy will naturally extend to your family and eventually to everyone around you. Your newfound confidence and warmth will attract similar energy from others. Remember, every interaction is an opportunity for growth and connection. You have the power to transform your social experiences by starting with a change in your own perspective. Embrace your unique qualities, practice self-compassion, and watch as your world becomes brighter and more welcoming. You've already taken the first step by seeking guidance. Trust in your ability to grow and connect with others. The path to overcoming social anxiety may have challenges, but each small victory brings you closer to the confident, socially comfortable person you aspire to be. Believe in yourself – you've got this!

What has helped me overcome this is recognizing WHY we worry so much about what other people think in the first place. And I don't mean you or me specifically, but humans in general. What you're describing, while maybe more intense than others, is 100% natural and actually makes sense given our evolution and our current situation as a species. Over the course of human evolution, we spent that vast majority of time living in small tribes of roughly 30-50 people (exact numbers are debatable and don't really matter). Our brains literally evolved in an environment where we lived with, worked with, and took care of ONLY those people. Each individual person was completely dependent on the tribe, meaning if they were kicked out for any reason, they'd be dead within days or weeks. Because of this, our brains evolved to care A LOT about what our fellow tribe members thought about us, because for most of our history it was quite literally a matter of life and death. Fast forward to the last few thousand years, where agriculture and other technologies caused our populations to skyrocket exponentially. Suddenly, we humans found ourselves living amongst many, many, many more people than our ancestors, yet we still have the same brains that they did (because evolution moves much slower than technology does). So let me put it this way: today, between our families, coworkers, friends, and strangers that we pass by on the street, we interact with more humans every day than our ancestors ever saw IN THEIR ENTIRE LIFETIMES. And that's not even mentioning the millions of people at our fingertips on social media. And yet, our brains still think we're living in the tribal era, and that having people accept us is still a matter of life and death. Logically we know it isn't life or death, but that doesn't matter. The parts of the brain that trigger the nervous system are the oldest parts of the brain, and they don't understand logic. All they understand is survival. Reflecting on all of this has actually been extremely helpful for me. Because the mind likes to come up with ALL SORTS of stories surrounding any social anxiety I feel: "i'll never be accepted," "I'm good enough," "everyone hates me," "if I mess up, everyone will laugh at me," etc, etc. When in reality, the real and simple reason for my anxiety is that my brain thinks this is really important, even though it isn't. So when that anxiety and the negative thoughts arise, simply acknowledge them. Notice how your body is responding to the situation, and reflect on how millions of years of evolution have instilled this amazing defense system in you. If you make a habit of this, rather than trying to resist the anxious thoughts or feelings, over time it will become easier not to get lost in them, and you will demonstrate to yourself that you will be okay no matter what others think of you.

I’m struggling with this exact same thing at work… in the moment, I write down the intrusive thought (example: they didn’t say hi or acknowledge me, so they must be annoyed that I’m here and hate me) evidence for and against it. I can usually clear it from my head once I can get a gut check about what’s more probable.