Feeling overwhelmed by anxiety and OCD-like thoughts, seeking advice.

@JP. I think so too, but how and where do I start?

@Steven55! thank you, it’s because no one I know understands what I mean and that makes me feel even worse because I don’t know if these are my thoughts or real or what. I feel like I can’t even live and I feel so much guilt with all of this. I don’t even know if it is ocd or not so that makes me feel even worse

@Steven55! also I’m just scared in general to explain in detail what’s happening. every time I even think about it I want to cry

@MagicOCD thank you so much for telling your story too. I really hope things get better for both of us, but like sometimes if I don’t acknowledge the thought it makes it seem like it’s ok but I know it’s not ok so then I feel like I should be feeling bad about it. and like even with guilt sometimes I don’t feel guilt and I just let the thought pass and then I feel guilt that I didn’t feel bad about the thought the first time and then I spiral again. like I don’t get it is there something wrong with me? I feel so confused always. and like I feel contaminated and I don’t know what to do anymore I feel like I’m scared of losing control or something

@leena40” That's what I do and feel as well. The panic rising or my breathing turning to pants as this happens before I have to shake my head again to bring myself back to reality and left feeling upset at myself or at the world, makes me feel like there's no saving me. And that feeling of losing my own control of my own mind while seeing everything and everyone else is continuing to go on by normally and comfortably is scary and bitter too, so you can't help but feel alone and we have an unique problem that can't be solved. But of course, we aren't and we can try overcoming this, even if it's little by little since it's better than having this forever!

@MagicOCD I relate to this so much, do you go to therapy and has it helped? I feel like I should but I’m just way too scared and I feel like a lost cause

@Steven55! thank you so much that was so helpful. What tests will therapists do to find out if I do have ocd or not? I know therapy is recommended but I don’t know if I really can right now.

@leena40” - They just ask you a series of questions that determine if you have OCD and what level of intensity. Nothing to worry about. They don't pry into specific thoughts at this stage. Doesn't take long. Question: why can't you go into therapy right now?

@Steven55! Ohh I see thank you. well I’m scared and also the cost. that’s why right now I just don’t really want to actually go to therapy and do what I can on my own

@leena40” - Leena, these therapists have heard it all before. They don't judge you. For example, if you told him/her "I had an intrusive thought that I want to eat a rat." The therapist wouldn't think you really want to eat the critter, just that you're having this OCD intrusive thought and it's causing you anxiety. Nothing to worry about. As for the cost, yeah, this can be a problem. Do you have insurance? If not, can you reach out to the Affordable Care Act, aka, Obamacare? The policies are required to include mental health assistance. If you need me to look into it for you, I'll be happy to do it. As far as treating OCD on your own, you can certainly try. There are a number of books, podcasts, You Tube videos, etc., available, but, having dealt with this disorder personally for just about all my life (I'm a grandpa) and having tried to deal with it on my own with limited success, I have found that the most effective way is to have a trained OCD therapist to be your coach. Recovery is not linear, it's messy, and there will be time in the beginning that OCD will rage against you because you're challenging the bully by trying not to give in to its compulsions. That's when I really needed my coach/therapist. Just know, Leena, that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and we are here for you.

@Steven55! thank you so much for this, I actually can’t express how grateful I am. This makes me feel like I’m not crazy lol. Thank you for all the information too. I do have insurance, but I’d have to ask my parents for all of that information. I also don’t know how to mention this to them without me sounding crazy. I do see how having a therapist would be so helpful, for now I’ll try on my own and see how far I get. I’ve had this problem before and I notice it really only happens when I’m alone or I’m bored and then all the thoughts start all over again and I get this distressing feeling. but I’ve managed to get over it two times so far, but it seems like it comes back every year. Sometimes I have this underlying feeling that I’m bad even when I’m not sad. I just feel confused sometimes.

@leena40” That's how OCD works. You're not alone. There are a number of good OCD videos designed to help families and other loved ones understand what we go through. NOCD put them together. If you want to try it on your own, I'll send you some reference materials that may help you. It will take a few days.

@Steven55! that would be so helpful, thank you so much for everything. Are the videos directly on the app or?

@leena40” A combination, including podcasts and books.

@Steven55! Ohh ok I see. I’ll definitely try that!

@Steven55! - OCD Tools & Resources I always recommend seeking professional help because it’s safer and way more effective to do it with a professional since they know EXACTLY what to do. But if you can’t see a professional right now and you have no idea when you’ll be able to seek help from an OCD therapist due to money or where you live, here’s an extensive list of tools and resources to help you get better and/or stay recovered. -Look into OCD and Anxiety’s YouTube channel. They have an OCD course you can do for a fee, -Download either the Calm app or Insight Timer app for guided meditations, -Read ALL the books by Lee Baer and Martin Seif on OCD and anxiety, -Look into Therapy in a Nutshell’s YouTube channel, -Start doing yoga! Because exercise is good for you. I suggest the YouTube channel Yoga with Adriene, -Subscribe and follow the YouTube channel, Psychology With Dr. Ana for great mental health content, -Start watching Thich Nhat Hanh’s guided meditations and talks on mindfulness. Also, buy his books on meditation and mindfulness, -Look into OCD International’s website if you’re international (or is the US but having issues finding help outside of NOCD) for help, -If you are looking for inpatient treatment for extreme OCD, look up Rogers Behavioral center’s website. You can even reach out to them for help, -How To Stop Rumination Video: https://youtu.be/CkcspsmLh9k?feature=shared -ERP scripting: https://www.shalanicely.com/aha-moments/erp-scripting-for-ocd/ -The Hidden Power of Swearing at Your OCD: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/beyond-the-doubt/201711/the-hidden-power-of-swearing-at-your-ocd -Taking The Power Away From OCD: https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/taking-the-power-away-from-intrusive-thoughts -Worry Script: https://www.anxietycanada.com/sites/default/files/WorryScript.pdf -What is ERP therapy: https://iocdf.org/about-ocd/ocd-treatment/erp/ -What’s An OCD Trigger? https://psychcentral.com/ocd/what-is-an-ocd-trigger -The Psychology of Seeking Reassurance: https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/reassurance-seeking-ocd-anxiety-how-to-stop-cycle -Grounding Techniques: https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/grounding-techniques -OCD vs. Phobia Differences: https://www.treatmyocd.com/what-is-ocd/info/related-symptoms-conditions/ocd-vs-phobia-how-to-tell-the-difference -ERP Techniques for Reassurance video: https://youtu.be/D1O3RGnLjRM?feature=shared 164

@leena40” - OCD SUPPORT VIDEOS, ETC. 1. Fear Factor Podcast 2. OCD and Anxiety Channel 3. Dr Tracy Marks videos 4. Nathan Peterson Books and Online Courses and YTD Channel

@Steven55! Thank you!!

@Steven55! Hey, I know this is a week later but today I feel terrible. I was doing better but now idk what happened today has been so so bad. I can’t do this anymore. I’m able to ignore the thought that’s not really the problem. I’m not able to get over the thought that I could possibly do something like that. Because basically the thought was that while I was getting ready I did something gross. I don’t want to get into detail because it’s so bad. I know part of it is true, like I really was getting ready for my day in the morning. In the moment I don’t really remember feeling any anxiety or atleast not as bad as right now. But this happened like a week ago and the day after I thought something happened like I saw an action play out in my head of something gross and terrible and now I’m stuck thinking whether it really happened or not. My dilemma was basically if I did do it then my brain must’ve blocked it out of my memory or something so I only started thinking about it the next day. Is it even possible for ocd to be like this? Like a real event that happened recently, but the doubt began a day after along with thoughts and actions playing in my head. What should I do about this?

@leena445 - False memory OCD and thought-action OCD are two very common themes. You're not alone, by any stretch of the imagination. I know we're not supposed to give reassurance, but I'll make an exception. If you really did what your false memory OCD is trying to make you think you did, you'd probably know it through external means. You'd have heard about it from someone. Also, chances are you wouldn't be agonizing over it, if you were some predator. Do you know what thought-action fusion is? Everybody has bad thoughts, feelings, images, etc., but those who don't have OCD just shrug it off as a thought. OCD folks get mired in the feeling that the thought means something, that if we have the thought we'll carry it out. Not so. In reality, a thought is a thought is a thought. That's it. It's not a threat or an action, just a thought. Period. "We all have thoughts that would shame hell," said the English philosopher, Samuel Johnson. Try to stay in the present--what am I doing (or not doing) NOW. Stay away from the DID I, COULD I, WOULD I, AM I, DO I thoughts. It's just OCD. I really do think you should seek help from a trained OCD therapist who uses ERP therapy, even if you have to borrow the money. It will change your life. Hope this helps.

@Steven55! Hey thank you. The thing is I was alone like getting ready in the morning so nobody could’ve really known. I mean I had people in my house like my mom was in the room right beside mine and the doors were open but still what if it really did happen? I mean why else would I get the thought? I just don’t understand like I replay the events and then I realize I didn’t do anything wrong but then I get anxiety afterwards and I see images of gross sexual things. Like I get random waves of anxiety and it feels like I can’t take it. What I don’t get is while I was getting ready I didn’t really have anxiety but why did I get anxiety afterward. I do remember crying in the moment but I think I was crying because of something else unrelated but now I don’t know what if I was crying because I acted on the thoughts. But like I went step by step through every single action I made and I went back to where I was in my house and replayed everything and I didn’t see anything I did wrong but idk why those thoughts feel so real and scary. Thank you though for the countless advices and the help, I know it must be a lot and I want to thank you for taking time out of your day for this, truly I am so so grateful

@leena445 And like the thoughts were images and I saw things play out in my head if that makes sense

@Steven55! I really do think I need therapy at this point. For the nocd calls do I need to have my parents with me in the first call?

@leena445 Leena, everything you relayed most of us have experienced in one way or another. What you are experiencing is what my therapist described as malware in my brain. The WHAT IFS could very well be the most common OCD theme. Images are OCD thoughts, too, along with feelings, urges, etc., just OCD. What you wrote about going around the house and checking if you did something is a common OCD theme as well. You really need to get tested for OCD. How old are you? You can contact NOCD to find out the rules for them to take you on as a client. If you need your parents to handle it, NOCD has a number of YouTube videos that explain what you're going through, but I suspect they already know something is wrong. Hope this helps. Don't be afraid to continue to use this community forum. It's what we're here for!

@Steven55! Thank you! if the thought was true there would have to be some kind of sign or evidence of it right? Like ok my thought involves objects not people, I get terrible images. But like because it doesn’t involve people there is no way really to know if it did happen or not. I mean I get these images for a lot of things and I know for sure some of them just aren’t possible, but I’m stuck on one specific event. But like the doors were open and everything and I don’t recall ever doing anything like that I just remember in the moment like rushing through work because I knew I had to complete it but the thought gave me anxiety. But then I remember feeling fine like I don’t remember doing anything bad but the next day I got so many images in my head. Like ever since that news article I’m paranoid so bad about objects even. I don’t know why I mean I’ve had problems like this before like I’m pretty sure I had pocd and religious ocd but nothing compares to how physically gross I feel with these thoughts.

@leena445 It doesn't matter if it's about an object, a person, an animal or whatever, they're all intrusive thoughts, including images, that torment us. We become obsessed with them and spend a great deal of time looking for evidence that it didn't happen. In OCD-speak, it's called rumination. The rumination only makes it worse. ERP therapy teaches up to accept uncertainty toward the episode and to be indifferent to it, no matter how vile the thought/image. It takes practice and work, but it does work with the right coaching. That's where the trained OCD therapist comes in. This is a treatable condition, but it works best with a therapist.

@Steven55! Oh I see. so any time I feel uncertain I just have to accept it? I truly don’t think I could ever accept that. I can accept the thoughts but if there is an action behind that I don’t think I ever will accept that. I really can’t take this

@Steven55! Okay I really think I’m on the edge I need therapy I’m so so scared. in the morning I was fine I knew the event I was worrying about these past few days could not possibly be true, but now I’m crying again I can’t take this. Do I make the call tomorrow? Do I have to tell my parents or can I just make the call on my own without them? I don’t want to tell them I’m scared. I think even they notice I’m never happy anymore and this past week I haven’t been myself I’m just constantly scared. Is there any way I can get help without my parents knowing? Thank you

@leena445 How old are you, Leena?

@leena445 You know something? Once you tell them what you're going through they very well be relieved that they now have an idea what's happening with you. If you get them to look at one of the videos I suggested, they'll have even a better idea, that you're not crazy, you have a treatable mental disorder.

@Steven55! 14

@Steven55! Thank you and I hope so, the thoughts are just getting so so bad and even though I know I did nothing wrong I still get so affected b teh thoughts and I don’t know why

@Steven55! Can I make the call tomorrow morning on my own or do I have to tell my parents

@Steven55! Also I don’t even really know my insurance or anything what do I do

@leena445 Leena, I am sending you a hug. I know what you are going through. I thought the same as you, that I could never accept uncertainty. You need to understand what accepting uncertainty means, accepting uncertainty and staying in the present. Here's an example: let's say you have an intrusive thought or feeling that you want to harm your beloved pet. It's an awful thought and is very disturbing. It feels so real, and you begin ruminating to to see if it's true and if you can be absolutely certain that you'd never do it. What ERP therapy tells us to do is to think " I accept the uncertainty that I would ever do it, because I don't know the future. But I'm not doing it now. I'm not plotting to do it and I always have a choice." I know it's counterintuitive, and it's hard to do, but over time and exposure the OCD will diminish and you can lead a happy life.What you have done is to take away OCD's mojo, to try to make you spend all day obsessing over it. In reality, a thought is just a thought.You are young. I want you to get proper therapy, so you don't go through this your entire life. Sending you love..

@Steven55! Thank you, I feel like therapy is the only thing that will help me because I’m going crazy and I’ve been crying so many times every single day

@Steven55! Please tell me if I can make the call on my own

@leena445 You should be honest with your folks. You will need them to talk to NOCD or any other OCD therapist. NOCD will let you folks know what insurance they accept, as will any other OCD therapist. BTW, there's an OCD g o

@Steven55! They won’t understand and yell at me lol. Trust me I told my mom like not in detail but she told me to continue praying and that I have to physically look and see that there’s no dirt but that’s not what I’m worried about.

@Steven55! So are you saying I do have to have a parent with me? I’ll see what I can do

@leena445 There's an OCD Foundation, the International OCD Foundation, you can access online. It can help your folks understand the disorder and locate a qualified therapist if you choose not to go with NOCD.

@Steven55! I think I will go with nocd just because it accepts insurance

@Steven55! Ok so I tell my parents tomorrow morning, I schedule a call for tomorrow morning, and that’s that

@Steven55! At this point it’s so bad it’s affecting school and everything

@Steven55! Every living moment is so bad and I’m constantly trying to avoid these images in my head and it feels so real and if it is true I wouldn’t be able to take it anymore

@leena445 It's very common for it to begin in your age group, intelligent teens. .

@leena445 It affected my school, too, when I was young.

@Steven55! A call should resolve this right I should be able to be connected with a therapist and everything

@leena445 I know this a sounds awful, but ERP teaches us to not to avoid the images, but to let them in and let them go. This is why it's important to have an OCD therapist to coach you through it.

@leena445 It's a free consultation and they'll guide you from there.

@Steven55! Yes and that’s why I need a therapist to help me with that because if I try letting images be there I’ll be so disturbed

@Steven55! Please just tell me if I can get a therapist through the nocd call

@Steven55! Can I get therapy through the nocd call?

@leena445 They will talk you through it, because they want to recommend a therapist with whom you'll feel comfortable. For example, you may feel comfortable with a young woman therapist, rather than a man. The therapist will test you to determine if you have OCD. Don't worry, it's easy and painless. After that you'll set up e

@Steven55! You'll set up sessions.

@Steven55! Hey thank you so much, I guess I’ll tell my mom and call tomorrow morning and then I’ll see where it goes

@leena445 Very good. Before you do, check out one of the NOCD videos on YouTube I mentioned earlier that can help her understand what you're going through.

@Steven55! Yes, I definitely will and hopefully she understands. With insurance is the cost high? also I notice my anxiety comes in almost waves. Earlier it felt like my world was literally ending and I was continuously crying but now I feel ok and it’s only been an hour? Why is this? Does this mean the thoughts are true and I’ve just accepted them do something?

@Steven55! Also thank you for everything continuously, seriously I am so grateful

@leena445 It's the nature of the disorder. It comes and goes. The more you learn to deal with it, the more it will diminish.

@leena445 It's my pleasure, Leena. God bless.

@Steven55! wait really that’s normal? I’ve never really heard anyone talk about it, I’ve always heard it’s constant anxiety but I don’t have that so then I thought I must be lying and not have ocd or something

@Steven55! Thank you so much 🙏🏽

@Steven55! Also, I saw this video where someone said people like in my age range act impulsively because of our age so that scared me even more because it made me think what if I really did act on the thoughts and then that’s why I keep getting images or something

@leena445 Yes, with OCD it's common to have a spike, followed by an ebb.

@leena445 The first we learn in therapy is to stay off the internet when looking for answers concerning OCD or other mental disorders. There's a lot of partial and/or misleading stuff on there that can trigger an episode. Check out the accredited professionals I sent you and whatever else your therapist recommends. Stay away from the rest.

@Steven55! Ohh I see thank you, also I’m still scared to ask about therapy tomorrow should I just show them the video first thing in the morning and then figure out what to do?

@Steven55! hey so it’s the next morning and I’m so scared to ask my mom. Also do I have to have my mom with me in the live sessions? because my mom is busy and can’t probably do them with me

@Steven55! also I’ve noticed that ever since that day Thursday I haven’t had the fear of the object really, more so I’ve had the fear that I did something wrong that day, is that normal?

@leena445 You don't want to live like this and I doubt she does, either. You have nothing to lose by talking to her. Have the video available when you do, so she'll understand what you are going through.

@leena445 I don't know how they handle it with a minor. They will let you know.

@Steven55! Hey so I did talk to her and I think she understood, but she said she needs to talk to my dad and we’d have to wait to do that because my dad has some health problems right now so she doesn’t want to make things worse. I guess I’ll just have to wait now

@Steven55! Also I think this was all triggered by several things, like I remember in school hearing about someone do something gross and I think that scared me too. Is that possible for real life events and like what other people say? It was months ago that happened but this all started when I read a news article that triggered that memory.

@leena445 I don’t mean to ask for reassurance I just want to know if that’s even possible

@leena445 You took a very big step towards recovery and I'm proud of you! Did you show your mom any videos?

@leena445 Real life events can trigger OCD episodes. It happens all the time. Try to remember that it's just OCD.

@Steven55! thank you so much, and yes I showed my mom a video and that’s basically how I explained it to her, I still couldn’t tell her the exact details but maybe one day I’ll manage to do that

@Steven55! Ohh ok I see thank you

@leena445 I was just confused because it wasn’t something I did but I heard and that’s what triggered it

@Steven55! Also I have another question. How come I only have anxiety about Thursday and not any other day? Like I have anxiety about what I could’ve done while getting ready Thursday morning, but I get ready every morning and I don’t get anxiety about every morning. Ecspecially recently I haven’t been getting anxiety about everyday, just about memories on Thursday? In my head the images are only from Thursday. Like the time my actions the events I see in my head are from Thursday and that’s the only day I’m worried about? Why is that?

@Steven55! Today I feel a little better, but if I feel ok it’s like I’m accepting the fact that I could possibly do these things. I wish I could go back and have someone watch over me on that day so I would know for sure nothing bad happened

@leena445 Thats just the OCD, not you, that's telling you that if you're not freaking out over the thought/image it's going to happen. . It's called habituation. It means you've agonized over it so much your system is getting bored with it and is giving you a break. It's a good thing.

@Steven55! Thank you so much, that helps me understand it. It can also be that if I’m not scared of the image it tells me it really did happen right?

@Steven55! Right now I feel fine I’m sure of my actions from the past few days, it’s just Thursday that’s bothering me

@Steven55! The images and everything are from Thursday

@leena445 Keep in mind that a thought is a thought is a thought. That includes images, which are thoughts. It's not a threat, or an action, just a thought. It's no more of a threat than athought about baking cookies. Just a thought. With OCD, it's not the content of the thought that matters, it's how we react to it. If we treat the thoughts with indifference, they dissipate or disappear. There ain't no bears in that cave, Leena, only thoughts!

@Steven55! Ohh I see thank you so much for all the help you’ve made my life a million times better. whenever it happens again I’ll try to just ignore it, but it is so hard not to spiral and start thinking about why. I don’t know what I did to deserve something like this

@leena445 - You did nothing, none of us have done anything to deserve it. It's a medical condition that can be treated, nothing more.

@Steven55! Oh ok I see, thank you 🙏🏽 I also wanted to mention I don’t exactly feel grossed out by only the thought itself, like I’m more so grossed out by the action I see in my head and like the way I see it the possibility of it being true. Obviously having the thought itself make me feel really bad but even worse like the extremely detail image I have of doing inappropriate things to a specific object makes me feel so grossed out like I constantly want to throw the object away and then the one day I tried to stop throwing things out because I heard it was a compulsion and then I felt so so gross. Like right now I’m not throwing objects away because it’s a compulsion I think but I’ve been going crazy because now I think there’s no going back and I should’ve thrown everything away days ago.

@leena445 It's just a thought, Leena, nothing more. People who are not OCD have been studied and, guess what, they too have awful thoughts and images. The difference is they just blow them off and move on. Indifference. It's hard now, but it can get better. Until you get into therapy, why not check out some of the videos and podcasts I sent you. That can help.

@Steven55! See I’ve watched those videos and I feel like I don’t relate to some of the specific things they mention, also like I’d love to go through everything but I also have the stress of school and finishing chores lol

@Steven55! everyday I do try to atleast watch or listen to one of the help videos though and thank you for sending the long list of resources

@Steven55! you’ve also taught me a lot and I really appreciate the endless support

@leena445 Be patient. Remember what we've discussed. You don't have to go through all the material at once. What I've shared is from my own journey and what I've learned from therapy. Just try to practice it. OCD will throw you a myriad of curves, but, guess what, it's still only OCD. Remember that a thought is a thought is a thought. Period. When you have an episode, just say to yourself, "It's just OCD, " then shrug and go do something fun or your chores. Check back with me in a week or two and let me know how you're doing. You're going to be okay!

@Steven55! Thank you! so much seriously for all the help, and I definitely will. thank you for your time as well

@Steven55! Also one more question, is it possible to get false memories from events not that long ago? I started seeing the images like the day of Thursday the same day? Whenever anyone talks about false memories it’s always from years ago, but mine is from a few hours ago on that day

@leena445 I also want to say reassurance really helped me, like real ocd everyone says reassurance doesn’t help, but every time I look bad and review past events and make sure I didn’t do anything wrong I really do feel better and that’s how the past few days I’ve been doing better. Why is this? I no longer cry when I get the thoughts or anything

@leena445 I don't know, but suspect it's all a part of it. Why don't you ask that question on the community board and see the responses.

@Steven55! Ohh ok I see thank you

@leena445 - I was thinking about your question concerning recent false memory episodes, if they can be OCD-related. I was unsure, because it's not a theme I've had to deal with-or so I thought. In fact, I now recall that I have had several episodes with recent false memory OCD. Mine had to do with checking. I would leave for a business trip and begin worrying that I left the coffee maker on (even though it had an automatic off mechanism), or the iron (same deal), or the garden hose, etc., even though, deep down, I knew I hadn't done so. There were times that I'd return home (if driving) to check on it. There were also times that I'd call someone to check. I now realize that these were forms of false memory OCD. There are a zillion variants to OCD, and I believe my variant would fall under recent false memory OCD. So, based on my own journey, I believe your recent false memory episodes may very well be OCD. This would be something you would discuss with your therapist, once you begin OCD therapy. Hope this helps.

@Steven55! Hey, thank you so so much for this response and really thinking about my case. I just want to say the past two days I really have been feeling better. Like I’m not even joking I haven’t felt like this in a month maybe. I did have events to go to the past few days so I think they’ve helped distract me. But also, I think I realized how stupid the thoughts were, I think I used logic to overpower them. I know with ocd you can’t really outlogic the thoughts but that’s made them more manageable for me. I literally came up with a list of reasons why what I’m thinking of couldn’t have happened, and if it did happen I thought there has to be some sign. I still am waiting on therapy but hopefully in the future I won’t even have to ruminate at all. I don’t get overly stressed and cry about the thoughts anymore though. And the things you’ve said really have helped, so thank you so much. Seriously I don’t know how I would be living without all this information.

@Steven55! hey so this is a week later and I really do feel better like I’m not getting thoughts anymore about that situation. I was doing fine all these days but today all of a sudden I’m getting thoughts about something the day before, and it’s basically the same situation. I’m trying to not let it get to me but I did replay the events and find nothing wrong. It’s not at severe it’s just annoying rn.

@Steven55! Thank you! today has been so much better as well and I feel like I can actually live my life, everything you’ve said so far has helped so much

@Steven55! I’m spiraling again, so today just a few minutes ago I remember going into a room but I can’t remember what exactly happened now I’m scared I acted in my intrusive thoughts. I actually can’t take this anymore why can’t I remember? I replayed the events in my head I can’t remeber everything fully, and like part of me knows I couldn’t have acted in my thoughts because like it makes no sense but why do I have this really weird feeling? I’m so scared

@leena445 Leena, what do you mean that you acted in your intrusive thoughts?

@Steven55! Leena, please keep in mind that they're just thoughts, period. No matter how intrusive or scary, they're just thoughts and everyone gets intrusive thoughts. It's not the content, it's how you react to then. What's the update about you getting into therapy?

@Steven55! Also, what you're going through, the false memory stuff, is a very common OCD theme. Just stick with what we discussed, and know that flare ups are common, and will go away.

@Steven55! No no im saying I saw the thought immediately after like going somewhere and im scared that I acted on the thoughts

@Steven55! I still have to wait a little on that, maybe next week though

@Steven55! okay thank you I hope so

@leena445 what does the weird feeling mean? Why do I get a weird feeling now? like I’m not as anxious as before I just get this weird underlying feeling

@leena445 - The reason, in my opinion, why people with OCD get so much anxiety over an intrusive thought is because of the feeling. It's kind of an unholy trinity: the thought, the feeling the anxiety. It causes us to ruminate over it ad nauseum, which is exactly what the disorder wants us to do. In reality, the feelings, images, urges, threats, etc., are just part of the intrusive thought process. Keep in mind, Leena, that OCD is a liar and cannot be reasoned with. You just need to stay in the present, stay in uncertainty and learn to be indifferent to the thoughts and feelings. It's just OCD. Why this happens? Well, scientists have done studies and have found there are a few differences between an OCD brain and people who don't have OCD, but the most important thing is it's treatable and you can have a happy, normal life. This is one of the reasons why I want you to get into therapy ASAP. I'm a grandpa, and when I was your age they had no clue what was going on and how to treat it. I don't want to see you and other kids go through what I did throughout my life. If you get help now from a trained OCD therapist who uses ERP therapy, you'll be fine. Even if you have a flare up, which happens to most of us, you'll know how to deal with it. There are a lot of successful, even famous, people with OCD. They all got treatment. The future is bright for you, my young friend!

@Steven55! thank you you’re experience in this is so valuable. Do you still struggle with the thoughts sometimes, or are they completely gone? it really does help knowing that there are really successful people with this too, and that you’re able to live your life. It’s just so confusing and I mean as soon as I get over one thing something else happens that triggers me. Like today it happened multiple times where I’d get an image immediately after something but the image was distorted and those cause me anxiety. They make no sense and if I really did do them then a lot of things would have to go differently, but somehow I still get that anxiety. and then again what if it is true and then I start stressing about how could it be true and think of how it could’ve possibly happened. I think I’m improving though hopefully and eventually hopefully therapy will help too

@leena445 I'm glad I can help you. Yes, I still have intrusive thoughts sometimes, but they don't want the impact like in the past. I'm mindful of where they're coming from, just OCD, and am indifferent to them. The worst thing you can do is try to analyze them. That's when we jump on the OCD rumination treadmill. It only makes it worse. In therapy, you'll learn to just accept them a thoughts and let them go. That's when they begin to dissipate. What you are experiencing about getting over one episode, only to experience another, is very common. Try to keep in mid that a thought is a thought is a thought. Nothing more. Let me know when you get into therapy and we can cheer together. In the meantime, always feel free to contact me through this site. God bless.

@Steven55! that’s exactly what’s happening to me right now and like this morning something did happen but like I got a thought like an image if something gross about this morning, like it’s distorted I really was in that place this morning but I don’t remember doing the action I see in my head. Recently it’s just been one thing after another I can’t catch a break. I mean if it was true there would have to be some sign, but I was alone so there’s like no way to truly confirm and that’s when I feel contaminated. I just wish someone was there so I could get confirmation. I feel like part of me knows the thought isn’t true but I get terrible anxiety and I don’t even know if it’s ocd or I did do something

@leena445 Leena, do you feel comfortable with giving me a more detailed idea of what you're experiencing?If not, I will understand. I'm just trying to get a clearer picture of what you are going through.

@Steven55! I mean basically I was alone in this room doing whatever I needed to do and then I got this gross thought followed by an image of me doing something, and the image was like distorted like I was really in that room but I didn’t do the things that the image and words said if that makes sense

@leena445 The thought came basically during the moment

@Steven55! Like for example if I was in my room studying and I flipped a page in a book but then I got the thought that I coughed on the page and that I’m contaminated now even though you don’t remember coughing at all in the first place

@leena445 My thought is kind of like that but way more severe and a million times worse

@leena445 Okay, now I understand. This is a very treatable condition with OCD therapy. Until then, try to stay in uncertainty. "Maybe I did, maybe I didn't, but I'm not doing it now." Then, go back to your studies, or go do something distracting. Remember that it's not the content of the thought, but how you react to it that matters. If you learn to blow it off, you take away OCD's mojo.

@Steven55! Yes it’s just a little hard because my specific thought is way more severe, it feels so real too. I wish I could say the exact thought but it’s so bad.

@leena445 - It's okay if you're not comfortable with telling me. I totally understand. Let me relay a true story. OCD researchers did a study of people with OCD and people who don't have OCD. They asked each subject to record their thoughts over a period of time. It was a blind study, so the researchers didn't know which subjects had OCD and which subjects didn't have the disorder. When they viewed the data, the researchers had no idea who had OCD and who didn't have it. They ALL had weird thoughts. Moral of the story: as the English philosopher, Samuel Johnson, said many years ago, "We all have thoughts that would shame hell." You're not alone, my friend. The difference is that people with OCD agonize over the thoughts and feelings, and other folks just blow them off.

@Steven55! That quote really puts things in perspective thank you. I am at the point where the thoughts don’t really bother me like I can get a crazy thought and be ok with it, it’s just when a false memory is mixed with it it gets hard. Like thoughts mixed with real actions mixed with fake actions all in a memory so it’s hard to tell what happened and what didn’t. Also the gross feeling but right now I feel better than I did in the morning, I think where I’m getting stuck is I keep trying to disprove the thoughts and eventually they do get disproved, but then a new thought comes up. What is that called?

@leena445 It's called rumination. That's the rumination I've mentioned. It's a compulsion. You spend all your time trying to convince yourself that it didn't happen, or you're not that way. Guess what, it's EXACTLY what OCD wants you to do. The way to de-fang OCD is to stay in uncertainty and to stay in the present. Your therapist will work with you on exercises to help you neutralize all this. I've been through it myself and it works, but I'm not trained to do this. You need a trained OCD therapist.

@Steven55! Ohh wait I see I’ll stop that, and like also sometimes I’ll get a thought that I’m doing something bad while I am doing something but it’s not the bad thing. like for example I’ll be writing notes and I’ll see an image of me throwing it into the trash or something as I’m writing on the paper. like this isn’t the thought I’ve had, but it’s the best way I can put it. Like I’ll see something as I’m doing something else.

@Steven55! Wait so today I tried to ignore the thought and stop trying to recall the events but now it feels like I’m in denial and that’s why I’m ignoring the thoughts

@leena445 It's okay to have the thought, so long as you try to accept it for what it is-just a thought. Tell yourself that when you're have an intrusive thought, then go about your day. As you stand up to OCD, it's going to try to throw you curves designed to keep on its treadmill. I heard one therapist describe it as the What-Ifs followed the the Yes, But What-Ifs. Thos happening because you're starting to fight back, and OCD doesn't want you to win. Recovery is messy, not linear, but keep it up. Remember, other not the content, but your reaction, that matters.

@Steven55! I don’t know if I can do this, I’m starting to get the images in my head that I put gross things in my mouth and I feel so contaminated. I just keep seeing the image and like it’ll show up with different objects and I’ll just see it as I’m trying to go on about my day.

@Steven55! Also like let’s say for example I was swimming and I got the intrusive thought or like I saw the image that I drank the pool water, it’s hard to tell if it actually happened or not because there’s no hard evidence and especially if you’re alone so what do I do in that situation? Because the thought is something that could happen but it’s gross. The specific thought I have is way worse I just put it in a milder story but the point is the same.

@Steven55! it’s like I want to tape my mouth closed because the thoughts gross me out and then again I’m not diagnosed I don’t even know if this is ocd all I know is that I feel awful and I’m getting thoughts all over again that are partially true actions and then mixed with terrible actions that I pray aren’t true

@leena445 - That's when you stay in uncertainty and in the present: Maybe you did, maybe you didn't, who knows, but you're not doing it now and you're not planning on doing it and you have a choice. Then, go on and enjoy your swim. Keep in mind, Leena, although it may be counterintuitive it's okay to sit in discomfort until the episode passes-and it will likely pass. My therapist said it makes us stronger, because we're not giving into compulsions.

@Steven55! Hey yeah I’m definitely trying to, I think I’ve realized every time I prove my thoughts wrong a new event comes up that causes me anxiety

@Steven55! like it’ll happen multiple times a day where I have anxiety that distracts me from my work and then when I finally get over things another thing will come up

@Steven55! except today was different, three or four things came up and I’m getting anxiety about all of them now

@Steven55! To make things worse my actual physical health isn’t the greatest and I’m behind on work and it literally feels like I can’t catch a break

@leena445 It's because of trying to prove your thoughts wrong. It's a rumination compulsion. It feeds the pig, OCD. You have to learn to stay in uncertainty and stay in the present. Takes practice. Please continue to talk to your folks about getting OCD therapy. You really need a professional guide to get you through this. It will make all the difference.

@Steven55! I’m sure it will and I’ll talk to my mo again tomorrow about this, it’s just she was waiting to tell my dad. The thing is like I just want to know for sure. Not even that I feel like deep inside I know the truth still I get anxiety and that anxiety makes it seem like I actually did those things and then I can’t live

@Steven55! I can’t enjoy anything in life anymore, and just a day or two ago I was doing fine. This spike happened before and somehow after a week or two I got through it but I don’t know if I can get through this one

@leena445 You can get through this one, and all the others.

@Steven55! I really hope so, I mean I’m not really scared of doing anything in the future but every action I make in the present I overthink. Honestly I don’t know if you’d call that ocd, it’s like if I turn a light switch on I’ll overthink the next second about what I really did

@leena445 but then the anxiety kind of goes away or I forget about it until the next thing

@Steven55! Also is coin flipping a compulsion? Sometimes I’ll flip a coin to decide if I really did something or not, as like a sign. Or I’ll look at the clock and certain numbers mean certain things. Like if the clock shows 3 I did do something but if it shows 4 I didn’t. I don’t even know if that makes sense

@Steven55! I also just don’t understand how I could be so confused of actions I did even a few seconds ago, how could I be so filled with anxiety from just going about life like everyone else, I constantly feel contaminated and like I don’t know if I can ever get rid of that feeling. It’s like I know my actions weren’t bad in the moment I feel fine, then like a second or minute later I’ll see an image of me in that exact location exact place that I just was, but doing something terrible. There’s never any physical signs I ever did these things but they bother me so much

@Steven55! This morning I woke up with a different image of me doing something gross to myself. I’m so confused this came out of nowhere and this one I know actually didn’t happen because I didn’t have it yesterday and like the events don’t match up, if I know it’s not true why am I still getting the image. I’m really only bothered by seeing the image like it’s disturbing and disgusting even though I know it couldn’t have happened

@Steven55! I’m going to book the first free call today but do I have to have someone older with me or can I do it myself

@leena445 I don't know. You may need a parent.

@Steven55! Oh well I booked the call on my own for now

@Steven55! I don’t think they take my insurance what do I do

@leena445 If they don't, go online to the International OCD Foundation. Check their listing of approved OCD therapists your area. Also, I suspect many do virtual sessions now, so it won't matter where you're located. There are plenty others not connected to NOCD. Don't get discouraged.

@Steven55! So I’m scheduling the appointments but right now I’m so scared what if I acted on the thoughts. Please how can I know for sure I’m going insane. I can’t even focus on my school work or anything I’m on edge. My call is scheduled later on this afternoon what do I do until then. Basically what happens was I was changing and then I got the image in my head that I was doing something gross and that was a few hours ago and it still won’t stop bothering me. I know I went to the room and then I changed and then went out of the room to talk to my parents but the thought is bothering me so much. If I did do something like that there would have to be signs right?

@leena445 You're doing the What-Ifs, Leena. Stay in the present and in uncertainty. Remember that a thought is just a thought, not an action or threat. An intrusive thought is no more of a threat than a thought about baking brownies. Just a thought. Keep reminding yourself of that. As for the phone call, just tell the person what you're going through in general terms and don't be afraid to do it. They will not think you're crazy, or some kind of monster. Trust me, they've heard it all before.

@Steven55! I can’t like I really can’t I’ve tried so much I end up crying every single time I can’t get through this trust me I try to ignore it I really do and it gets ignored even but I can’t ignore the mental and physical feeling of gross and the way my thoughts are like they are gross if anyone were to do them that’s gross

@leena445 It feels like I’m contaminated and then I’m contaminating everything else

@leena445 But not in a germ way in a gross way

@Steven55! Last time I went through this there was evidence I didn’t do it and also it wasn’t nearly as disturbing as the thoughts right now

@leena445 The minute I feel ok with the thoughts I think I feel ok because I did it and so I’m ok with doing it

@Steven55! Ok I’m going to pray for a sign whether I did something or not

@Steven55! Wait I’m getting different thoughts now. I’m getting thoughts about like when I went to the bathroom, and like something must I’ve happened then and if it really did happen that’s so gross. I wrote down every event I remember but it’s bothering me please actually how can I tell if something happened or not

@leena445 Leena, the more you react, the more you feed OCD. Try this: tell yourself that maybe you did, and maybe you didn't, but you're not doing it now. Then, go watch TV or take a walk or something.

@Steven55! I know but it’s like I just want to know this one time then I won’t ever ask to know anything else

@leena445 That's a compulsion, Leena, don't give in to it. If di, there will another answer another and another. It's okay to sit in discomfort. It will pass, and you'll be stronger for it. Why don't you re-read what we've discussed. It could help to keep you on track.

@Steven55! Thank you I really hope so. I wish I had a different theme or something or the thoughts were less gross. I just remember going to the bathroom and then washing my hands and going downstairs, and then on the staircase up I think that’s when I got the thought and extreme anxiety and ever since then I’ve been in anxiety

@leena445 The thought came almost immediately

@Steven55! Sometimes it feels like I don’t have this though like it feels like fake or it feels like mine isn’t enough to be diagnosed or something

@Steven55! One thing for me is that my thoughts are specific to a situation which is fine but usually I see the same image repeating, why is this? Because usually when people talk about their intrusive thoughts they see a variety of images but sometimes for me I see the same specific image, is that normal? I don’t mean to ask for reassurance I just want to know why mine are different than most people’s

@leena445 It's common. Has happened to me, too. Remember, it's all OCD, nothing more.

@Steven55! Oh I see, do you mean the repeated specific thoughts about one event or the fact that it feels fake?

@leena445 Both, buddy, they're false thoughts and feelings (which are also thoughts) caused by OCD. They are not reality. Thoughts are thoughts are thoughts. Always keep that in mind.

@Steven55! How do I not avoid places that make me get the thoughts and anxiety. Like the places I’m trying to avoid are places every person needs to go to and places in my house, so I really can’t avoid them. I don’t want to ruin my physical health either but I know I’ll get anxiety if I go to these places so I try to avoid the amount of times I’m in these places as much as possible, or I try to make sure someone is nearby in a room nearby

@leena445 - Discuss this with your therapists. They'll guide you through it, and help you get past it. You're going to be okay.

@Steven55! I did but they said we’ll discuss it at our next session, only problem is the next session is literally a week from now and no therapists have bookings earlier so what do I even do? I’m literally scared to use the bathroom and that’s something you have to do atleast a few times a day. I can’t even tell my parents about that because it’s so embarrassing

@Steven55! I’ve even been avoiding drinking water because I’m too scared to use the bathroom

@Steven55! I feel like I could use the bathroom more if I had my mom there with me, but how am I supposed to tell her this? If she’s not there with me I’m going to get really bad anxiety

@leena445 What you are going to learn is something called Exposure and Response Prevention Therapy.

@Steven55! You will learn to face your fears and learn that they are groundless. Maybe you can talk to your mom about it and have her go with you a few times, then gradually reduce the number of times she goes with you, until you realize you have nothing to fear. She's your mom. She loves and knows you better than you do yourself. She won't take offense.

@Steven55! I’m afraid what will she think of me, but also I do need to go to the bathroom so I might. My mom is busy so I don’t want to waste her time

@leena445 Then go into there and keep in mind it's only a thought.

@Steven55! I did and in the moment like in the actual bathroom I was fine but now a few hours later I’m crying I’m worried i did something and put something on my face or in my mouth. Please there has to be a way to know if this is true

@leena445 Sure, believe your own eyes. Can you see it? Can you taste it?

@Steven55! I mean I can imagine the taste and seeing it 😭 what does that mean