OCD about doubting taking testosterone

Hello there! I am 25 y.o. afab and I’ve been on testosterone for nearly a year. I’m gender-fluid. The paralysis of whether testosterone was right for me was debilitating, and I’ve experienced some of the concerns you’ve mentioned. Personally, I was worried I wasn’t trans enough to go on T, even though I’d been thinking about it for years. When I was 21, I made an appointment, filled the prescription and was overcome with terror and a certainty I was making the ‘wrong’ choice. It took me three years to overcome the doubts. I was terrified, but I could not stop thinking about it. I got sick of the longing and found a gender therapist. We worked out that my fears were mostly about control. I initially started on a low dose because I was terrified one day I’d wake up and hate all the changes. I’ve now upped the dose because I love how I feel and look. I’m not sure I’ll stay on it forever, and I’ll likely lower it soon, but at least for now being on T has set me more at ease with how expansive my androgyny can be. I started on a low dose (or micro dose) for six months and I can tell you a bit about my experience. First, as my therapist put it, there are many stops on the train. If you think of HRT as a train you board, even once you’ve boarded it you can get off before the last stop. In my experience the changes are incredibly slow on a low dose. I was worried I would wake up one day and not recognize myself in the mirror, but for the first three months I didn’t notice anything except a positive change in mood and some acne. At four months I noticed below the belt changes, and my hands started looking more masculine. I also had a massive increase in appetite. Now nearing a year, my voice is slowly dropping, new hair is growing, and my face is changing shape. I still recognize myself. I still occasionally have doubts, but they feel more like a habit than real concerns. I would recommend thinking of it as a day by day experience rather that of one whole thing. I’m on the gel which means every day I wake up and I choose to do this. I know some people prefer the weekly injections cause they don’t have to deal with daily hassle, and I don’t know what method you are on, but I’ve found it very comforting to make the choice for myself everyday. I can look in the mirror for any changes and make the choice if I want to take one more baby step forward. To stay on the train for one more day. Personally I’ve had a lot of fears about waking up one day looking like a super masculine binary man. It hasn’t happened. It would take at least another year of me seeing gradual changes and making the same choice to get there. I don’t feel like a binary man or woman. I’m still just myself. The hard part with things like this that sometimes there is no right or wrong choice. Sometimes they are just choices and that’s okay. On the low dose the changes will be slow. You’ll have time to stop if changes you don’t like are happening. Most early changes aren’t permanent. If the doubts are too much then you can stop. If the idea of stopping is worse, then you may have your answer for what you ‘truly’ want. Either way, there is still time. I hope this doesn’t come off as condescending. I’m always anxious I sound too preachy. I’m just saying what I wish I’d heard at 22. :)