Please seriously give any advice

@djflorio Why am I having these thoughts though what have I done? I’m so confused why me? I mean I’ve always kind of put a lot of importance on being clean and now I’m getting these thoughts I don’t get why? It goes against everything I know and it’s gross I hate it. The thoughts are so realistic does that mean it really did happen? I would never forgive myself if it really did. I can’t just walk around knowing I have thoughts like these.

@rea7 Also I’ve never heard anyone have my specific thoughts ever. Like I know people get troubling thoughts but they’re never even similar to mine and that makes me feel like I’m the only person in the world who has this problem of bad thoughts.

@rea7 - I know this might be a frustrating answer, but it's exactly this line of questioning and attempting to figure things out that perpetuates this cycle, and makes the thoughts appear more often. Part of why this is so difficult is that we put a disproportionate amount of weight and meaning to our thoughts. If you really want to know why you're having these thoughts so often, the honest answer is because you're so worried about them. Random thoughts pop up all the time for everyone. Ask anyone if they would be comfortable with their thoughts being broadcasted to the world and no one would take your offer. Everyone experiences dark, twisted, odd, embarrassing thoughts from time to time. Thoughts arise in the brain due to countless conditions that are impossible to pin down. Everything from genetics, biological factors, the environment, your upbringing...it all plays a role in how your brain processes all of its inputs and what it deems important. The difference between someone who doesn't struggle with constant intrusive thoughts and someone who does, is how bothered they allow themselves to become by those thoughts. Look up the "Ironic Process Theory" by Daniel Wegner, who was a great psychiatrist who studied the phenomenon where thoughts arise more often as soon as we try not to think about them. It basically outlines what's happening perfectly. As for the content of your thoughts being unique to you, I can guarantee that many other people have had similar thoughts to what you're experiencing. If you talk to any OCD specialist they'll be able to tell you that pretty much nothing surprises them. They've heard EVERYTHING. And again, that's why I wanted to stress that the content of the thoughts DOES NOT MATTER. I'm serious. The more you get caught up in the "why" and what they all "mean," the more they will spiral.

@djflorio Thank you so much for your response. What are some erp therapy ways I can’t try? I don’t think I can get diagnosed rn in my case. Also the thought of telling these thoughts to ANYONE scares me so bad because I feel like nobody has ever had thoughts as extreme as mine. So when I get an image or events replaying in my head, I should just let it be there? Then I feel like a gross and bad person if I just allow it. I don’t even know I feel like I’m going to spiral again, I can’t stop crying. I’ve told one other person about this and they don’t understand. How can I fix this on my own without a specialist? Is it even possible? I’m scared what if this continues the rest of my life. I literally have restless anxiety. And I’m also religious I can’t have these thoughts it just feels so bad. What if I really did act on them how do I know for sure? I just want to know for once if this is all in my head or true, and then I’ll be fine.

@rea7 - No problem happy to help. I'm tied up at the moment but I'll give a detailed response as soon as I can. Hang in there!

@djflorio Thank you!!

@rea7 - I completely understand the distress you're feeling over this. It's a scary thing to feel like a prisoner of your own mind. I'd just like to point out that what you're doing right now is known in OCD terms as "reassurance seeking." It's an extremely common compulsion, and it's a very sneaky one. "I just want to know for once if this is all in my head or true, and then I’ll be fine." ^ This right here is absolute textbook OCD logic. I'm sure it legitimately feels like you'll be fine after you gain some reassurance, but I can promise you that it will NEVER be enough. I know that sounds pessimistic, but it's an important thing do understand. This very app includes the ability to flag posts as "seeking reassurance" for this very reason. It actually does more harm than good in the long run. And I understand that it feels like these thoughts are unique to you. You'll just have to trust me when I say that I'm sure they aren't (or at least I'm sure they aren't any more horrible than many others). The reason I know this is that I've spoken to several OCD specialists and therapists in general, and they ALL say that everyone who comes in thinks that they have it the worst. Everyone thinks that their thoughts are too terrible to share. Everyone is embarrassed, and everyone wishes that they had a different "theme." I felt the same way when I was getting my own treatment. I'm sorry that the person you told didn't understand. I promise you that if you speak to a professional OCD therapist, they will NOT judge you in any way. I know that's hard to believe! As far as ERP exercises go, please keep in mind that I am not a professional and I don't know the full details of your story, so take anything I say with a grain of salt. With that out of the way, here's something general you can try. Once a day, set aside a very short amount of time, maybe 5 minutes. For these 5 minutes, you're going to do your best to allow the thoughts to do whatever they want to do. You aren't trying to get rid of them, argue with them, or indulge in them. Simply acknowledge that they are there, nothing more nothing less. As the thoughts arise, you will start to feel anxious, and that's a good thing. You want to feel anxious, because during these 5 minutes your goal is to notice and learn how anxiety presents itself in your body. Focus your attention, as best as you can, on your body. What does your chest feel like? How about your arms? Are you clenching your jaw? Does your belly feel tight? Is your breathing shallow or deep? Fast or slow? This is your chance to explore and learn with curiosity. Pretend that you are an alien that just inhabited a human body in an attempt to learn about our species. You want to learn what anxiety FEELS like. You don't have to get too analytical, but maybe give your anxiety a number from 0-10. During this time, you're going to feel an incredible urge to get rid of the thoughts. You're going to want to disprove them. That's okay. Any time you feel that urge, just say, "I am aware of these thoughts, and I'm aware of anxiety," and return your attention to your body. Remember, you don't have to get rid of anything. You're learning. Towards the end of the 5 minutes, see if there's anything you can change about your posture to bring yourself into a more relaxed physical state. Maybe you can let your shoulders drop a bit, unclench your jaw, or shift the way you're sitting. Maybe you can breath more slowly, allowing your exhales to last longer than your inhales. Don't try to force yourself to relax, just change a few things and notice what it does or doesn't do to your overall feeling of anxiety. Did your anxiety number go down, or up? Again, you are here to learn, not to get rid of anything. After the 5 minutes are up, reward yourself. Have a snack, watch some entertaining videos, or whatever makes you happy. If you do this properly, you may eventually start to understand that the anxiety you so desperately try to avoid feeling simply comes and goes on its own, without the need for any compulsive behavior. Emotions like anxiety WANT to be felt. We don't realize how much of our suffering comes from not wanting to feel certain things because we're afraid we can't handle it. Ok I've written enough for now. ERP is a bit more involved than what I'm describing, but I hope this exercise can at least set you on the path to success.

@djflorio Hey thank you so much for this, and I did try it. I noticed the thoughts were still there and they did really bother me but I did nothing. It felt like I was lying to myself. In the past whenever I’ve had an ocd theme it was different because atleast I knew for sure what happened. Like I was always surrounded by other people so I know my actions weren’t bad. Also like I’ve asked people and they reassured me and after that the thoughts kind of went away lol. I know reassurance isn’t a good thing but in that case it did help because then any time I got the thoughts again I would ignore it since I knew the full story. In this case though it’s happening in my own home and I don’t have people watching over me 24/7 so it feels true. It might be true idk. And that’s what scares me. I just want to know if it really did happen and then I’d feel like I’d be able to move on with my life. I feel like if it were true I’d remember it, no? Like I’d remember how I felt when it happened or something. But idk in this case I don’t remember feeling anything all I know is I see images inside my head and sometimes they’re not even images, sometimes I see like a full action play out. That’s why I’m starting to think this is all in my head and I just made it up. I even wrote down every event that I remember from yesterday leading up to my thoughts and nothing was wrong in them. I just wish I had another person with me to confirm. There has to be some way I can tell if something happened or not right? Like I went back and checked for the placement of things and they were in the right spot. That leads me to believe I was making this all up. I just want confirmation

@djflorio Ok I think I replayed the events enough to the point where I know for sure I didn’t do anything weird. I think I’m ok for now. See the thing is it’s not recorded so I won’t know for sure I guess but I do know my actions. I replayed every event I remember and everything lined up. Plus while there weren’t people necessarily watching over me, there were people in my house while I was getting ready and I left the door open so I know nothing weird could’ve happened or they would’ve said something. I think I just got the thought stuck in my head and that’s why I thought it was so real. I realized afterward that I get these kinds of thoughts about anything and everything even in front of people. Do you think I was so worried because the thought was stuck in my head? I mean if someone’s fear of saying something inappropriate in public comes true, they would immediately feel anxiety right? In my case I felt the anxiety like a day after when I thought and went over everything again.

@djflorio But then again I am still so scared if it true, I think I’ll start throwing things away again.

@djflorio wait ok I tried the erp again and I felt nothing? I’m so scared what does that mean about me? Does that mean it’s true? I didn’t feel anxiety or that feeling like I’m a liar. I feel even worse now that has to mean something. What does it mean if I don’t even feel anxiety anymore? Does that mean I want the thoughts and I want those actions and I acted on them?

@rea7 - Hey sorry to hear that you're struggling with this. Trust me, I understand how it is! In regards to your earlier response about how you felt like you were "lying to yourself," my hunch is that this means you were still resisting the thoughts in some sneaky way. That's because the point of the exercise is to not engage in the thoughts, meaning no analysis or judgement. To feel like you're lying to yourself means that you're still trying to figure out if the thoughts are "true" or not, or you're taking them personally. I know, this is very nuanced and difficult. That's why it's best to do this kind of thing with a therapist, or at least take it slow and do it for a while before worrying too much about how it goes. In response to this question, again this all comes back to reassurance. Since this is clearly a very difficult time for you, I'll risk providing a little reassurance and tell you that the fact that you felt "nothing" doesn't mean anything about you. All it means is that in that moment, the thoughts weren't scary to you. Nothing more, nothing less. This is about learning to understand that the thoughts are not the problem. The problem is our obsession with putting meaning on everything and trying to "figure things out." But notice what happened. The fear and doubt around the thoughts simply shifted to different thoughts. Now you're fearing the uncertainty that your reaction (or non-reaction) to those thoughts might mean something about you. At the end of the day, this all comes down to uncertainty and doubt. Whether they are about the intrusive thoughts, or your reaction to those thoughts. You are fixated on finding meaning and certainty. OCD is nicknamed the "doubting disorder" for this very reason, and it's what I was referring to when saying that we will never be satisfied as long as we try to use thoughts and logic to get out of the cycle. Another technique used in ERP is to utilize the response, "maybe, maybe not." When you respond to thoughts with this phrase, you are actively refusing to try to figure anything out. It's very difficult, and for some people it may feel impossible, but it's helpful in the long run. I'll give you a personal example. For years I had terrible suicidal intrusive thoughts. I imagined myself jumping off of a balcony, shooting myself in the head, or hanging myself. I imagined how my families and friends would react. I started looking for "signs" everywhere; in my behavior, in the way people behaved around me, etc. I obsessively combed through Wikipedia pages of celebrities that had killed themselves, looking for any possible signs that my life was similar to theirs in any way. The fact that all of this was going on had me convinced that it was going to happen, and I was so, so scared. I cried every day about it, and found it difficult to make plans because I was so sure that I wasn't going to be alive long enough to do them. Long story short, I was able to move past that fear. You might assume that it was because I finally became convinced that I'd never actually kill myself, but that's not the case. That actually wasn't necessary. What was necessary was for me to learn that "maybe, maybe not" is the only real answer to those thoughts. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I don't know. My state of mind can change at any time for many different reasons beyond my control. What I can do is focus on the present, right here, right now. Intrusive thoughts want to pull us into the past or the future, but it's enough to know that right here, right now, I'm okay. That's all that I can possibly know, and that's all I need to find happiness. I've carried that mentality into many different areas of my life, for things I worry about from the past or things I'm anxious about in the future. And I know, right now you want more than anything to prove that you didn't do these things you're imagining. You really believe that you wouldn't be able to live with yourself if you did. But I would encourage you to try the "maybe, maybe not" exposure from time to time, and again, notice the anxiety that physically arises.

@djflorio Hey thank you so much for this. Right now I feel a little better, sometimes the anxiety comes back at random moments but I just breathe through them. I don’t really feel anything towards the thought, but I still have the urge to throw things away. I’ll definitely try everything you said and hopefully things will stop. Thank you so much again for constantly giving help.

@djflorio So today I just can’t get it out, today has been so so hard. I woke up and I’m hit with this fear and feeling of contamination and I feel gross nothing feels right. It feels like if this was true then I cant go on with my life because it is so physically gross like if I did act on my thoughts then I would be contaminated in reality. It’s not a mental thing where if I think about something normal I feel contaminated, I don’t feel that. It’s like having the thought go through your head that you have dirt on your hands and you didn’t wash them. Like obviously the thoughts I’m getting are a million times worse, but the way not washing your hands would be physically gross the thoughts of they are true would be physically gross. That’s like the best way I can explain it. The images started after everything already happened and I just can’t remember if it happened or not. If it did happen there has to be some way to know, like objects would be moved or someone would have noticed or something. I mean the past I’m stressing about happened in the morning and I didn’t have anyone overlooking me but i had people in the rooms besides me and the door was open to my room and everything. So I’m confused how could it possibly have happened. But then I remembered crying that morning a little later I thought I was crying because of something unrelated but what if I was crying because I actually did do something? But then wouldn’t I remember or know how I felt in the moment? I can’t anymore if I did do that there has to be some evidence I mean. But if I saw images I know images don’t have meaning but there has to be a reason I saw the specific image I saw and not another one right?