ROCD about marriage

@Tea and Honey That makes sense. Thank you. I think I find it difficult accepting I may just have to sit in it for a while and that it won’t just go away. I really appreciate your response❤️

@TexasOCD41 That is something I definitely need to realize. The what ifs seem to be a doubt which I think I’ve accepted vs the non what ifs. I haven’t accepted those so they’ve been feeling more true/real. I shall try a statement. The cat one is genius. And I bet it works really well cause you’ve acknowledged it and reversed it. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me and giving me advise. I’m grateful. Love the ctl-alt-del lolol. Think you can help brainstorm some statements like the one you have towards your cat? It’s so funny and I think it may work for me with the “I don’t want to marry him thought”

@Anonymous - So the cat one i just came up with right then and there. I find that inserting humor, saying something kinda silly, helps me remember this is all silly OCD. The statements can change, just so long as the content is that you acknowledge but don't interact with the fear. So to a thought of " I don't want to marry him" I might say " "oh well, he wants to marry me, can't wait to eat some wedding cake!" or " maybe I don't want to marry him, maybe I do, ill never know unless I give it a try, I choose to marry him" for me, when I was experiencing the ROCD my therapist at the time told me, when your brain in a confused stormy state, its always best to stay on course, don't jump ship, don't make any changes. So at that time, I was dating the man, so that meant to continue to date him, no breaking up, no stepping back, no jumping ship, but doubling down on the course I was on despite everything inside me SCREAMING "I am making a mistake, he isnt the one, Im not even attracted to him, this will end badly" i stuck with him, and as the storm passed, all those statements slowly reversed themselves and now we are coming up on our 2 year anniversary and I'm SO SO HAPPY i didn't let OCD take the love of my life away from me. So for now, double down. Give yourself a goal, tell yourself "I'm going to commit to this relationship and marry him. if i don't shake these doubts in 6 months, then ill re-evaluate , but for now, its on like donkey kong" and typically what happens is when your "re-evaluate" period arrives, your already 5 months past the initial doubts and laughing at yourself for ever doubting in the first place.

@Anonymous - Even today, while i consider my OCD 99% in check, when I have old intrusive thoughts creep back in, I just think to myself " nah, fake news" and basically flick the thought away like a bug on a table. flippant disregard or humor with conviction, those two approaches seem to help me the most.

@TexasOCD41 Lmao I’m literally laughing out at the examples. I can see how to twist it with the examples you gave so thank you for that. I think it’s hard doubling down cause I want to do the opposite (run) or try to figure it out. It’s scary and I end up feeling like a fraud. Thanks for sharing your story again. That is so beautiful and amazing and I’m so happy you didn’t let the OCD take you cause you wouldn’t be experiencing that today. Thanks for also replying again. I will continue to go to therapy and keep your advice in mind!

@TexasOCD41 I definitely will try to do the advice that you’ve given me. I hope to one day be where you are where you’re OCD is 99% checked but can still deal with it when it shows up again. You’re amazing. Thanks again!

@Anonymous Any time. If you need anything, reply to one of these posts and I’ll help out anyway I can. :)

@TexasOCD41 I will! Thank you so much!

@Anonymous With OCD, you always do the opposite of what you want. If your brain says run, you sit. If it says analyze, you refuse, if it says seek comfort, you seek discomfort. Ocd is a toddler throwing a tantrum. Every parent knows that tantrums have to run their course and ignoring them usually leads to the kid realizing “ hmm, not getting any attention, I guess i should stop wasting my energy “and end BUT the MOMENT you start paying attention to a tantrum, it grows and the child learns “ hey! I can keep mom/dads attention indefinitely as long as i keep up this tantrum “. Ignore the ocd toddler. It’s gonna scream it’s gonna hold its breath and try to scare you, it’s gonna kick and cry…. Then it will loose energy with your lack of attention.

@TexasOCD41 That is so true!!!

@TexasOCD41 That makes so much sense. I usually try to talk through it and be reasonable with it. And it doesn’t stop! It either gets louder or comes back with a vengeance over and over. Just side note here, I started obsessing a little bit about onh what if I choose to keep going and 6 months in I have to reevaluate cause the thoughts of doubts are still there. And I found a funny way to combat that and I literally lol’d. That it kind of just subsided on its own. And now the usual you don’t want to marry him is back lol. Yay! Going to have to find something else for that

@TexasOCD41 lol I’m just like good heavens. This is exhausting and getting old but I still feel like crying and I’m so incredibly anxious. Idk how I was doing okay yesterday with letting it sit and not engaging. Today I’m full on engaging and can’t stop lol.

@TexasOCD41 I’ll keep trying though, and I hope I’ll get to a place where it won’t phase me at all. Thank you for listening and just having this conversation with me❤️

@Anonymous - haha good job on not giving into the new "what if". When you said you try to talk through it and be reasonable, and it just gets louder, that is a picture perfect example of doing a compulsion( the reasoning and talking through) and the result being that the OCD just got louder. This is why you don't mess with the thoughts. you can come to a solid conclusion and 5 minuets later, OCD will say " oh yea? well did you consider this?" BAM back to square one. so you cut it off at the compulsion. you don't give that toddler that attention.

@Anonymous - This is typical. OCD recover and using ERP tools is like going to the Gym. you cant go one day and be jacked overnight, and your body is sore at first. Over time you build strength with consistency and the soreness is replaced with strength. You JUST figured out the HOW, give yourself grace and patience and just keep doing what we discussed, even when you have dips, progress is not linear. DO NOT let the lows make you think you are not moving forward, the highs return. you just have to keep pushing forward!

@TexasOCD41 Hey! It’s me again! So I got married! Lol I was so happy the day off and the few days after!! I just kept thinking about how I can’t believe he’s my husband and I’m his wife and feeling that pure happiness and bliss. The thoughts were barely there and say off they were gone completely We eloped and we haven’t told anyone or won’t because he still wants to do the wedding and stuff. But I’ve been feeling hurt and sad because to me it has felt like I’m the one excited and saying things that show that I’m excited that we’re married. On the other hand he hasn’t been really. It’s seems like it just happened and that was that. I brought this up to him last night and he told me that he is excited he just doesn’t show it or say it. My mind since Monday has just been going down the rabbit hole of- he doesn’t seem/act happy about your marriage like you are that means that you’re not compatible, you’re not feeling the bliss after getting married that means you make a mistake and your relationship is not going to last, etc. I just feel so sad because the thoughts have affected my feelings and now I feel so disconnected from him. And I’m sad that those happy feelings say of and a couple days after are not gone. I’m trying not reassure myself but it’s hard because now I feel like those happy feelings are not there anymore and to my brain this is evidence that the marriage is going to fail. Do you have any advice?

@TexasOCD41 Also the fact the the thoughts and negative feelings have come back, I’m having so much anxiety because I see this as my thoughts have been true that’s why they didn’t go away and they are back.

@Anonymous - First off CONGRATULATIONS!!! that is so wo wonderful! I'm happy for your both. Now, ill remind you that OCD LOVES big changes (even happy ones) anything that is a big shift in your life leaves room for OCD to plant doubts. It is called the doubting disease for a GOOD REASON. i see where you say " i try to reassure myself". That is a compulsion, it must be stopped. I know it feels like the OPPOSITE of what you are supposed to do, but you can't feed OCD like that. The BEST way to go about this, is apply ACT. (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy). You are married. so that's that! you tell your self " what if the marriage is doomed? oh well, guess ill cross that bridge if i get to it?" " What if we never should have gotten married?" -"Oh well, too late now" you accept what you chose to do, you commit to it, and you don't give attention to the doubts. thoughts have ZERO -ZIP-ZILCH-NADA connection to reality. The thoughts we think don't MEAN anything about things in the real world. If i think about being rich, it doesn't mean I'm going to win the lottery tomorrow, if i think i might be sick, it doesn't mean iv have covid tomorrow, if i think i might have run that red light, it doest mean I'm going to get arrested tomorrow. thinking NORMAL doubts about a BIG event does not MEAN the event was wrong. i bought a house last spring, i thought " what if we cant afford it? what if we fail to make payments on time and go into bankruptcy?" i went into a BAD OCD spiral after that. ( see? happy event triggered a spiral). I predict with some time of accepting your marriage regardless of your doubts, you will feel better. LISTEN to your HUSBAND, that's part of marriage. if he tells you he is excited, just doesn't show it, you are his WIFE now, you made a VOW to trust him, so trust him. roll with it, stop looking for meaning where there is none. thoughts are just pop up ads in the brain, you can choose to pay attention or ignore them.

@TexasOCD41 Thank you. That makes a lot of sense as usual. I have been doing the oh well we’re married and that seems to shift my focus out of the thought. Just like I said before I’m noticing when I relapse and the thoughts come after they’ve settled, it hurts even more so I’m going to work on accepting that it’s going to happen. And continue to learn how to pivot when that happened. Also congrats on the house!!! That’s huge! I have really heard you when you said to listen and trust him cause he’s my husband. I value that in a marriage, I value us, and the commitment we’ve made. Thanks again for answering!