my magical thinking triggered by gentle thoughts

the concept of death & existence is ruining my life rn 😭 im losing so much sleep. i try to close my eyes & all my brain wants to do is try to wrap itself around the idea of what not existing feels like & i get this sinking feeling that grows & grows until my eyes snap open & i have to go back on my phone to distract myself until im literally too exhausted to keep my head up & my body forces me to sleep. it makes having the motivation to do anything hard because all i can think is "it wont matter when i die". it sucks because i know that having MORE in my life might actually improve this, im 21 unemployed still living at home with ASD & i know once i have a job that will definitely give me more to focus on & other stresses to have lol, but i feel like im stuck in the endless cycle of "not having a life makes me worried im wasting my life & itll all be over so fast" & then "being so stressed about my life & time passing is exhausting & makes it too hard to find the motivation to do anything other than sit here" & repeat. spirituality is hard because i like thinking that way, like afterlife & shit, but i worry that im just "in denial" & using it as an unhealthy coping mechanism that leads to magical thinking thoughts. then its like i have some sort of meta ocd spiral obsessing over if what im doing is bad & unhealthy for my ocd or not. i LIKE being spiritual but im worrying im hurting myself & doing a compulsion thinking that way. it also doesnt help that religious spaces have hurt & traumatized so many people & im terrified of being apart of a "delusional" community that spreads a false narrative & attacks anyone that doesnt agree with them. i know i am not like that but i worry im still apart of the problem even thinking this way. at the end of the day no one knows the truth, no one knows what happens after death. im just struggling to sit with the uncertainty. it is so late rn idk of any of my words make sense lol

I sometimes see posts on here of people saying their OCD fears becoming true and it’s so so triggering for me. It makes me question if I ever had OCD and if I’m just faking it. I’ve tried to accept that my fear was real. Okay? Before I knew this was OCD, I really TRIED to accept it as a part of myself because I figured if I was even having those thoughts, it must be true. But in reality it just made me feel worse in the end. It wasn’t until several hours/few days after accepting the thoughts as true did I realize they were not and how uncomfortable it made me identifying with them that way, so eventually I went back into the rumination cycle. And I’ve done this multiple times. No matter how much I’ve accepted it as real, I never come to a conclusion in the end and I just get 10x more miserable. And I am still so scared of my fear coming true as those peoples did. But I know that’s what we all fear, otherwise we wouldn’t be here. And with a new fear I just developed, (all in the realm of the same theme) I’ve also tried to accept it as real when I felt SUPER convinced and even though it felt excruciatingly real, there was a part of me that couldn’t fully believe it, because I just know viscerally that it’s not. But the feeling of it being real is just too powerful and it overmastered any ounce of insight I had left. It wasn’t until my OCD spike calmed down when I was able to see through the viel. I hate this. I have no desire to do anything that my thoughts tell me. I know what I want to be, want to do, and it’s the opposite of those OCD thoughts. But these triggering posts won’t leave. (Not really the publishers fault, it’s my ritual that I engage in). They make me come all back to square one (if I wasn’t there already) and question if I’m using this as an excuse. I don’t want to do what my OCD tells me to do, but my brain just spits, “you’re just convincing yourself you don’t want this!” as it so often now does. I’m so tired. Please give me my old self back. Please give me 100% certainty that none of this is real and my fears are not at all based in reality. My brain cannot accept uncertainty and will not leave me alone. My brain is raged and powerless without knowing why, and spiels that anger back on me to get a reaction, and when it gets what it wants, the cycle continues. And goes way longer than I had bargained for :(

im getting so annoyed i cant stop thinking about time and death and everything how do i stay present and cope literally almost everything is triggering me its been weeks it feels like everything is moving so slow yet so fast and i can feel every second and i keep getting random memories of things i usually wouldn’t even remember they aren’t bad but its just another reminder of time passing and the only thing that helped just enough is xanax but i cant keep taking it every day cause i dont wanna get addicted i need like natures xanax or something how do i produce the same effect a xan gives without taking one for the love of god bro as soon as i think its getting better i start spiraling an hour later and wont be able to stop and its making me feel like i need to go to a psych hospital or something but then i feel like what if im not bad enough to go to one