- Date posted
- 41w
POCD is taking over (21+)
I’m really struggling and have no idea how to handle this. Can someone help? My main theme is POCD and now its everywhere I look but I feel like I can’t trust myself. I worry a lot about how I feel about younger people (not just minors but also people who are newly adults who are too young for me.) I worry about what I think about them and how I treat them, always worried I’m crossing a line. But I also worry not that I’m doing something inappropriate with someone young but that I’m endangering them in some way. I’m worried I’m a danger just by being on the internet, and that I’ll accidentally come across someone young and the only way to 100% prevent it is stay completely away from social media and stuff and if I don’t then I’m a bad person. I went on a trip and tagged the place I was on my Instagram story. Somebody liked the story and it said in their bio they were 19 (I just turned 24) and I freaked out and blocked them and I felt like the worst person allowing that to happen. And what if what I like is more important in my head than protecting children? Like, what if Instagram is so important to me I keep using it even though I’m doing something wrong? I worry about this a lot with other apps. Another way I worry about this is on tumblr. I’m a huge fangirl and used to be a big part of the fanfiction section of tumblr. I stopped using it because of my POCD. For a while, I’d only read things from people stated their age in their bio and were of a certain age, but then I’d start wondering what if they’re lying? And also, I’d have to try to figure out when something was posted so I could do the math and see if they were too young when they wrote it. And I’d only read things where the person was of a certain age *and* had 18+ on their work because if it didn’t, then it seemed like they were appealing to minors and that’s wrong, of course. But then I started thinking “well 18 is still so young, how can they say you can be 18 and read this?” I know it’s standard if something has sexual content or mature content really it’s 18+ but I was so convinced I was contributing to something awful by reading it and I still do think that. Maybe that’s magical thinking? But I have no idea. Sometimes I think “oh, I could read it as an exposure” but it genuinely feels wrong, I don’t know how I could do that. POCD is at every turn, I constantly feel like I’m doing something wrong and I genuinely can’t tell if some of it is and I’m freaking out. I have a therapist but I’m not sure she understands. She is knowledgeable about OCD so that’s not the problem, I just worry about my specific symptoms. But I don’t know if it’s because she doesn’t get it or because I’m not explaining it well. It’s really hard for me to get my point across so that may be it. I keep saying I feel like I can’t tell the difference between right or wrong and she keeps saying “I think you can” and that terrifies me because I’m so certain I’ve done things wrong which means my OCD makes me a danger and I’m just really struggling and so scared. Can someone please help?