ROCD - I’m struggling today 😔

It’s hard today. I’m struggling. I feel so so strongly that I’m lying to myself, like I’ve made up ROCD just so I don’t have to face my true feelings. I’ve been able to manage my ROCD the last couple of months, but today, I’m really struggling with my thoughts. My brain is telling me ‘why can’t you just admit your thoughts to yourself and stop the suffering.’ But, I don’t know what I feel. ROCD has completely clouded how I feel (or is that another excuse?). My ROCD came up quite early on into dating, so I guess love hadn’t truly developed yet. So maybe that’s why I’m second guessing my feelings. I have this really strong feeling I don’t love him (that’s very painful to say) but that could be my ROCD. Someone can be great, kind, thoughtful, make you laugh, but that doesn’t mean you romantically love them does it? Maybe love is a feeling deep down, people say you know when you feel it. I don’t know if I feel it, so maybe that means I don’t 😔 which is so sad because he is amazing; I think I’d struggle to find anyone better. God, this is really tough. I’m totally confused. My brain wants me to admit I don’t love him so I can feel peace of mind, but I can’t lose him. I feel so so guilty. He always says he loves me, and when I say it back, it’s hard to say. That kills me. I feel like a bad person, saying I love you when maybe I don’t? That’s so cruel 😔 (comments that say ‘that sounds like you don’t love him’ are very triggering for me, just supportive words would be appreciated 🙏🏻)

Healingonthe...

Date posted: 43w

Hey I 100% resonate with you. It is absolutely terrible and on my really bad days, I can hardly function. It's that questioning if you even have OCD & its just an excuse to not face our "true feelings", that's the worst part. I have an absolutely amazing boyfriend. He is everything I want in a partner and someday husband, however, my OCD tells me I don't love him, I will never truly love him, I am wasting our time, I should just break up with him, I am a terrible person for "stringing him along", etc. I am here to tell you that there is hope. We do not know if our relationship will stay. We do not know if things will all work out in the end, or if we will break up one day. That uncertainty is just something we as humans have to live with, but our anxiety cannot accept it. Accept it anyway. Accept that you do not know how to feel or what to do right now. I'm curious, are you currently in ERP therapy? If not, I would highly recommend. If you are, keep going, keep pushing through, welcome that terrifying anxiety, sit in the mess that our mind so desperately wants to run away from. You're not alone, friend.

Hetalia17

Date posted: 43w

Hey there, I’m going through the exact same thing as you, with practically the same thought process, and I’m really struggling to know which are my true feelings and it makes me feel disgusted with myself and somewhat irritated around him. He’s perfect for me but it’s almost like I’m convincing myself that I’m bored of him or that I don’t want to be around him anymore, when everything was great and I was so happy with him up until a few days ago. Im afraid that the only things I can offer you right now, because I don’t really know how to deal with this myself, are my deepest sympathies and the knowledge that you are not alone in this, and that perhaps it would be helpful to know that he is absolutely worth fighting yourself for. I wish you the best, friend. Stay strong

Anonymous

Date posted: 43w

I've been through this time after time in my ldr of almost 2.5 years. Honestly going through it a little right now. One moment I feel like I want to marry her on the spot and the other moment I doubt if I still love her. OCD can make you doubt the silliest of things and it always feels real. She's visiting me in a month and I'm scared it will be a disaster. I've thought so several times before and it was amazing every single time. If he's good to you, you have nothing to gain and everything to lose. Only make decisions when you're at peace, don't let OCD decide. This was oddly therapeutic for myself as well 😇. All the best!

Mariabae

Date posted: 20w

rocd

I just saw my boyfriend, and even though everything was okay on the outside, inside my mind it was a storm. I kept having thoughts like: “You don’t like him.” “You’re not feeling anything.” “You’re pretending.” “You don’t care.” And then, he said something sweet — something that should’ve made me feel happy: “We should marry.” And instead of warmth, I felt anxiety. A pit in my stomach. A voice in my head saying: “You don’t want that.” “You’ll never stay with him.” “If you really loved him, you’d feel joy.” And I hate it. I hate that I’m in this state. I don’t feel connected. I don’t feel clarity. I don’t even know what I feel anymore. I just feel… numb. And the worst part? It feels like I don’t even care. But I know I do. Somewhere, beneath all the noise and panic and obsessive thoughts, I care. I want to feel close to him. I want to stop second-guessing every word, every touch, every thought. This is ROCD. It makes me question everything. It makes me feel like I’m lying — even when I’m not. It steals the moments that should feel warm and turns them into confusion. If anyone else feels this awful mix of numbness, fear, and guilt — please tell me I’m not alone.

Mariabae

Date posted: 20w

: I feel like I’m trapped in denial, confusion and guilt — I don’t know what’s real anymore

Hi everyone, I don’t really know how to put this into words, but I’ll try. I’ve been struggling with what I believe is ROCD for over a year and a half. I’ve been in a relationship for two years, and for a long time now, I feel like I’ve been stuck in a mental fog or trance — a constant state of doubt, guilt, anxiety, and emotional numbness. I can’t tell what I feel anymore. Sometimes I think: “Maybe I never loved him. Maybe I’m just staying out of habit, or because I’m in denial.” Other times I feel devastated and overwhelmed because all I really want is to feel love, safety, and peace again with him. I want to stop overthinking. I want to stop questioning if I’m lying to myself or if I’m hurting him by staying. My family (especially my mom and dad) and even my therapist have told me things that increased my doubts — that I’m only lying to myself, that I’m not really in love, that I’ve been unhappy since the beginning and I should just end it so I don’t hurt him anymore. My mom keeps saying “it’s not too late to walk away.” But it doesn’t feel that simple for me. When he tells me how much pain he’s in, sometimes I feel… nothing. And then I hate myself for not feeling guilt or sadness in that moment. I wonder: “If I really cared, wouldn’t I feel something?” But I also feel like I’ve become emotionally numb — like my mind and body are shutting down to protect me from constant fear and inner conflict. What makes it even harder is that we’re supposed to take a trip together soon for my 18th birthday. And instead of feeling excited, I’m terrified that I’ll feel numb, anxious, and distant even on that day. That I’ll ruin it. That I won’t be able to enjoy anything. And then I feel even more broken for being scared of my own birthday. I’m so afraid that I’m living based on a false “should.” That I’m staying because I should stay. But when I think about leaving, I panic too. Nothing feels right. Nothing brings relief. I just want clarity. Peace. And to know that I’m not alone or broken. If anyone here has felt like this — please let me know. It would mean everything right now. Thank you for reading.

Mariabae

Date posted: 13w

my chest hurts.

feel like I’ve been stuck in this ROCD cycle for so long that I don’t even know what’s real anymore. Everything feels so heavy and confusing. I keep having thoughts like “I don’t love him,” “I never really did,” “I’m just used to him,” or “I’m staying out of guilt or fear.” They come with a strong emotional pull that makes it feel like I’m finally facing some ‘truth’ — but I don’t even know what that truth is. Even when things are going well with my boyfriend — when he’s loving, caring, affectionate — I still feel disconnected, like I can’t feel love or calmness. And then I feel guilty for not feeling what I think I should feel. I overthink everything: memories, how I used to feel, how I feel now, what I might feel tomorrow. I can’t tell if I’m just scared to lose him or if I’m trying to force something that isn’t there. I’ve read so much about ROCD and I know I’m supposed to sit with the thoughts and let them pass, but sometimes they feel so real that I don’t know how to keep going. Sometimes I even feel numb and that scares me too — like if I don’t react with panic, it must be true. I just want peace. I want clarity. I want to stop analyzing and doubting every moment. Has anyone else felt this way? How do you sit with this and not spiral? Thank you so much for reading. 💔

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ROCD - I’m struggling today 😔

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