Instead of browsing reddit I thought I'd ask here...do you know what the difference is between ROCD thoughts or thoughts associated with dating the wrong person? I worry in my ability to make rational decisions with regard to relationships and partners when I have OCD. Thank you very much!!
I am currently also worrying about this. What I’ve told myself is: if this feels happy and good and safe, that’s good. If it doesn’t feel happy and good safe, it’s expected of anyone to wonder why, especially in new relationships. May be a personal hang up on either end going on, or it may be ocd just trying to be sneaky. Keep your guard up, but know that sometimes it’s normal to notice when something’s off. “Red flags” and what not
@doss626 Thank you so much. Simplifying the feeling to "happy, good, and safe" is a wonderful way to view relationships with ocd. I broke up with my previous partner of 2.5 years in January because I didn't want to live with the regret of not giving myself the chance to explore other people and often had a gut feeling that something wasn't "right." However, he is everything good and kind and safe, and now I fear I will live with the regret of letting him go...it seems there is no place where my mind feels at ease
@emmamacmanus Wow you literally are living my exact life lol kind of comforting in a way
@depressoespresso - Haha that is super comforting & I'm here if you ever needed someone to talk to about it!!
@emmamacmanus I did the exact same thing when I was 18 (I’m almost 28 now). It’s a part of growing and exploring our identities. You didn’t do anything wrong by breaking things off. I will say, I still think fondly of my first love. He’s married now and looks so happy. I congratulated him and we had a nice little moment. Had I stayed because I was scared of being alone, he may have never met the true person for him. Isn’t that funny? The experiences I got from exploring over 10 years in my opinion were definitely worth it. I know so much more about myself and the world now.
@doss626 - Thank you so much - you gave me some relief I've been searching for :) I am currently 21 and haven't really stopped thinking about him since the breakup (I see him often, we have the same college friend group). I guess I wouldn't want to be the one to prevent him from finding someone who can love him without question. I'm just having a hard time letting go and really truly believe I won't be able to love again because I'll see him in everything/everyone. I know it sounds silly, but do you think I'll be able to love again? Did you? Thank you again, your comments do help greatly.
@emmamacmanus I absolutely loved again. They say we have three loves in life if we have the courage to not settle: First love, your sweetheart who you’ll always remember fondly but know it wasn’t quite the right fit or time for either of you. Second love will teach you what you do and do not want in relationships. It will teach you to speak up for your needs and your opinions and wants. It will prepare you for the emotionally maturity it takes for #3. Your 3rd love is the one who makes all that heart ache worth it. Where everything just makes sense. I’ve dated plenty of people, obsessed over some, others I didn’t. Some I was lovesick over for years and still think about daily. But I have found my third love and I am grateful every single day I didn’t settle. Keep exploring until it feels like you’re hanging out with your bff at the best sleep over EVER even when you’re on your drive home from a crappy day at work. Wait for the one that makes you laugh when you feel like absolute dog shit and makes you feel so beautiful you never knew you could feel so cherished. You deserve that, friend.
@doss626 - Hi there, I've been meaning to write back to you for a while now, but college and my mind have gotten the best of me this month! I'm finally beginning to feel some peace and it might be helpful to some people if I shared... At the start of this semester, my senior year of college, I found out my first love had broken up with the girl he'd most recently dated (this is the first love I referenced in my initial post, whom I've dated on and off for most of college but ended it when my mental health started suffering). At the same time, I let him back into my life to support him through some personal things he was going through - I was mentally better and I had been pining over him the whole summer. We have since hooked up a few times, and admitted we both still had feelings for each other, but were both obviously confused. I found out a couple of days ago that he and his hometown friend discovered they had mutual feelings for each other over the Thanksgiving holiday. To protect my little heart, I sat with him yesterday on a bench during a rainy Georgia afternoon and told him I didn't want to remain in contact with him anymore as it would be painful. I had thought ad nauseam about what I wanted to say to him before meeting with him. Do I lay everything out there and try to get him back? Was this my only chance to do so? Do I choose to not mention anything about the connection between him and I and just wish him well? Recently, through some self-investigation, I've slowly begun to uncover the nature of that gut-feeling I had mentioned before. It came partly through conversations with people close to me, through reconsiderations of particular things he'd said in the past that had stuck with me, through interactions with my OWN lifelong hometown crush over Thanksgiving break, through my friend offering me her umbrella to walk to class yesterday morning. Your reply to me! How funny and beautiful is that. I decided on what felt right and most freeing in the moment: I told him how I considered laying myself all out in front of him in that moment, letting him know how much I loved and cared about him. I told him why I chose not to, what that gut feeling was that was holding me back, what I wished I'd asked for during the relationship, and why I felt like I shouldn't have had to ask for those things. I can't lie and say that I didn't wish he would've turned to me on that bench yesterday after I explained everything and confessed his undying love for me. However, there is the other side to that coin, and there is a reason why I hadn't done so first. I wished him everything beautiful and good, and we parted ways. All that being said, thank you so much for your reply to me. Your decision to do so and share some of your insight gave me hope for my future self, and I needed it to make some decisions not based in fear. I hope your day and your life moving forward bring you everything good; YOU deserve that, friend! - Emma
I’m having what I think is my first ROCD full episode. I’ve had doubting thoughts the entirety of my relationship. But in the last couple of days have been overwhelmed with and debilitated by anxiety and the feeling that I need to break up with my boyfriend. I don’t know if I have OCD officially but talking to therapists it seems that it is likely and I’m going to an OCD specialist next week to talk through my feelings but I feel completely helpless and hopeless at the moment and riddled with anxiety. I’m in a long distance relationship. I seem to have a waves throughout the day when I want to communicate with my boyfriend and tell him I love him etc. but the other 80% of my day is filled with anxiety and dread that I’m going to have to break up with him. I just want the anxiety to go away and to know if my thoughts are real thoughts or OCD thoughts. My biggest fear is that this isn’t an OCD episode and I do need to break up with him. I’m seeing him this weekend and I’m filled with dread about feeling disconnected and anxious and not in love.
So I haven’t been diagnosed with ROCD but I’ve kinda self-diagnosed myself because of my repeated thought patterns and my way to escape them by searching for answers online (“signs I love her” or taking “do I love her or am I attached/codependent” quizzes) and asking loved ones how they knew they were in love. But recently I started to question this symptom of ROCD, wouldn’t someone in denial about loosing feelings for their partner do the same thing? (try to look for reasons that they do love their partner) I started to feel emotionless and apathy for my partner around the 3 month mark but as we grew closer and had real and emotional talks I started to regain my feelings. But sometimes when we are cuddling i’ll get this sudden emotionless feeling and it gives me anxiety. (It also scares me to think this started at the 3 month mark due to the 3 month rule phenomenon I see on social media) Our relationship has always been soo healthy, I really love my girlfriend and I know it but Im not to sure if i’m actually “IN LOVE.” I sometimes get intrusive thoughts about her looks and feel like im in love with her physical potential rather than how she looks now and that feels so wrong but don’t get me wrong either I still still think she’s beautiful regardless of how she looks. I love everything else about her like her personality, kindness, generosity, and loyalty. She’s my first girlfriend so I don’t know how to distinguish between loving someone and being in love with someone. I also don’t know how to or how it feels to move on from someone after so many emotional/special moments with them and the thought about starting a new relationship makes me feel uncomfortable and is just something I don’t want, hence the feeling that I might just be attached/codependent. I feel so uncomfortable when thinking that if we break up I might never see her again and we’ll never get to rejoice in sharing these emotional, special, and beautiful moments. I want it to be her that I spend the rest of my life with so badly but I feel like my mind is stopping me from picturing a future of us together even though that’s what I really want. (writing this sentence^ I got the intrusive thought of “are you sure that’s what you really want” and now i’m questioning myself) I also can’t help but feel this intense anxiousness in my chest and an inner gut feeling/voice telling me to break up with her without any reason other than because I have a strong feeling she isn’t the one. I haven’t acted on this feeling because In the case that I do have ROCD I know this gut feeling/intuition cannot be trusted. I also read, in the case that I do have ROCD the way to treat it is to endure the anxiety and face uncertainty but I feel like there is no uncertainty about my relationship. I feel 100% safe with her and that she won’t cheat on me, so why do i feel like this!!! I don’t want to endure this anxiety forever, I’m so confused! I’m currently looking for therapy to help decipher my feelings correctly and see if I’m experiencing ROCD. But according to what i’ve explained.. Is this ROCD or DENIAL about losing feelings?
My trauma has always prevented me from pursuing a romantic relationship, I’ve always been super terrified of pursuing something with someone for just about every reason I could conjure up. Now, I’ve met someone and I’ve tried so, so hard to push away all those anxieties to make it work; but I feel like the more involved I get, I become more scared and I dwell on more things that may be signs that our “relationship” should end. I keep thinking over and over that I’m not good enough for them, I might be their “target,” they’re not right for me, our feelings are not mutual, it couldn’t work out between us, my friends and family would not approve, I’m not ready for it, etc. Recently, I tried to break things off with them because they were too tall for me. I started sobbing because I was scared that I was being and awful person and I had completely screwed everything up between us. I wanna know if this sounds like ROCD ? I always had a hunch that I could have, but I had never gotten far enough into a relationship to find out. Please feel free to ask me any clarifying questions. Right now I’m probably not making much sense haha.
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