Help?

I’m having a really difficult time and was hoping someone could give me guidance/advice on how to deal with this? It’s tricky because I know ocd is playing a part but there is actually a moral issue here and I feel extra trapped in this. Basically, my dad had this girlfriend when I was a kid who he was engaged too. She had this dog who I fell in love with and the dog actually came to live with us instead of her townhouse because he could roam freely at our house. Long story short, they broke up when I was 16 and the dog stayed here. The dog was never trained and had a lot of behavioral issues, and my dad was so terrible at handling them, plus I think the dog reminded him of his ex. Anyway, he treated the dog so horribly. He’d lose his temper so often, and if the dog wouldn’t come inside, he’d just leave even if it was bad whether because he had this mindset of his life not revolving around the animal. That’s eventually how the dog died, he accidentally was hit by my dads truck. I know my dad felt awful about it, because he never would’ve wanted that, but it still happened because he wouldn’t take care of the dog. I think the dog was sick, probably Lyme disease, and he needed help, and I didn’t do nearly enough to help him. I didn’t know how to get him to the vet as my dad really wouldn’t do it, I’m disabled, and like I said, he had lots of behavioral issues and was a biter. I was scared and just felt frozen. I feel like such an awful person. I didn’t do enough to help him, both in terms of his health and to get my dad to treat him well. On top of that, my dad has always been my best friend, and now I feel like an awful person for that as well. Nothing excuses what happened, but it’s been years and I don’t know how to handle it now. I feel like I need to tell everyone but that feels like a compulsion but also I feel like I’m doing something wrong if I do that and I’m just suffering from guilt and anger and I’m upset this ever happened and my dad ever did something like that and I don’t know what to do because this one is genuinely bad and I loved that dog and everything in my life today feels like a lie.

jcamp04

Date posted: 47w

I am really sorry that happened to you and that you lost a dog that meant a lot to you🩷 I would just say that as I read your whole post, all I could think was “wow this person cares so deeply about family and animals. They must be an amazing person.” I understand that sometimes you feel guilty or upset that you didn’t do more. And if I’m going to be completely honest those are normal thoughts and feelings. However what I will say, without OCD, a person would have the ability to decipher between past and present, who they were and who they are now, and truly how much control they had on a situation. You are not responsible for someone’s actions, you are not responsible for the death of your dog, but what I can say is you are responsible for taking every day as a new day to attack another barrier. You cannot live you life in the past because then you will truly never be present

jcamp04

Date posted: 47w

Your ability to care so deeply is actually one of the most beautiful things about you, but don’t let it be what controls you🩷

danielllll

Date posted: 25w

Feeling extremely guilty and don’t know what to do

I think I know what honestly is what caused my OCD. I’ve never told anyone this but I have to if I want help. When I was either 10 or 11, I think 10 I was at my family’s thanksgiving dinner. Around this time I discovered porn and got addicted. I would watch porn and read erotica. Because of this I guess I wanted to experiment. I feel absolutely horrible just thinking about this but I was playing around with my little cousin, he was around 7 I think and I remember we were playing chase or hide and seek, and I grabbed him and hugged him (something I never done before), and got a boner. I did this for pleasure. That’s all I did that was sexual but I feel so horrible. I try to give myself grace as I was only 10 and didn’t know the consequences of something so disgusting. I keep thinking “what if I went farther and hurt him?”. I talk to him sometimes and he seems comfortable with me and I think he doesn’t even remember this ever happened and just thought I hugged him for some reason all those years ago. I am NOT attracted to him at all but I think this incident and remembering it when I was 14 has caused my OCD such as POCD for all these years. I am 18 now but I feel absolutely horrible. And now it’s even worse because I have been invited to his 15th birthday party in Mexico. I’m traveling all the way to another country just to be near him! Obviously I know I won’t touch him or be innopropriate with him. But what if he has felt uncomfortable with me all this time? He seems fine with me and not uncomfortable around me but still. If I feel as if I go to this trip, I am a horrible person. I don’t know what to do. Am I a horrible person for what I did and continuing to be around him? I remember reading Reddit and Quora stories of similar people who felt horrible and people told them to not feel bad as they were only children and they learned and now know that was wrong and that to not tell anyone as it could only make things extremely awkward.Please help. I know COCSA is a very serious topic that harms people and I feel like a horrible perpetrator now.

anonymousgg

Date posted: 24w

Do I deserve to be forgiven? TW animal a***

When I was a child 7-10, I had this wonderful dog. I loved him so much. However sometimes, I would hit him out of either anger or because I liked the way he would lick my hand to say 'sorry'. At age 13, my OCD sparked up badly. I had no idea what it was, but I would bully him. Badly. He was never hurt, but he was agitated. Then I found some kittens and saved them just after turning 14. I let them stay in my room with me for a few weeks to help them. One very early morning, however, they raged me so bad that I began hitting them nonstop. They didn't cry, nor do run away. Hell, all of my pets were never ever scared of me. They loved me for some reason. For so long I've been doing my best to help animals and adore my pets, and I've sworn to never EVER hurt an animal again. I love them so much. I remember though I would never hit them so hard to make them cry out, because I've been inflicting the way I hit them onto my arms and thighs to see how bad it hurt, and gladly, it didn't really hurt. Stung a bit, at most, but doesn't make what I did anymore okay. Do I deserve my babies anymore? Do I deserve to even live? I feel so ashamed and I don't want to use my OCD as an excuse, nor say that maybe I was traumatised because of it because people have been through worse than me, so I don't want to compare. Any small comment will do, thank you for reading

12345678910

Date posted: 20w

Thinking about the past.

I would really appreciate it so much if someone took the time to read this and help me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I haven’t posted here in awhile. I had my OCD managed pretty decently for a year or so on medication, but I had to stop taking it, and after around 3-4 months, the OCD has become unbearable again. It used to be much more surrounding existential themes, eating, and others, not really real event/false memory stuff. But now it’s gotten really out of hand and I don’t know how to do it anymore. It’s surrounding a time of my life a long time ago. It was a dark time. I wasn’t myself and I was going through a lot of things, and I did a lot of things I regret. I self-destructed, embarrassed myself, and wasn’t good to the people around me. I was able to get my mind off of it for a long time, even though I would still think about it a good amount. I was able to be in the present, at least moreso than now. But now that I’m off medication, the guilt has become my obsession again. I can’t move on. I can’t do anything without thinking about all of these memories. I’m obsessed. I’ve started hating myself again, so much so that it’s hard to do anything anymore or believe I deserve anything good. The people around me tell me it wasn’t even that bad, but to me it was. To me, I failed myself, lost myself, and failed everyone around me. I can’t stop thinking about every person I said something wrong to or every time I screwed up. I’ve now started to convince myself I did terrible things I can’t remember, and that my mind just can’t deal with it. And that’s why I feel so guilty. There’s nothing to really support this though. But I’m starting to really convince myself that’s true. I’m trying not to listen to it, because I’ve convinced myself I have hit people with my car before and haven’t remembered when I absolutely didn’t and I know I never have. I drive back over and over to check there’s no one, even though I never heard any bang or felt myself anything. I can convince myself of some crazy false memories. So I know that I shouldn’t listen. But it’s hard not to when I have this guilt gnawing at me constantly. I come to conclusions that this guilt must be because I did something terrible that I don’t remember, even though I already think the things I remember were bad enough. But I would know by now right? If I did something bad I don’t remember? I don’t feel like this all the time. But it’s a lot of the time. But maybe that should be reassuring, that I only start obsessing like this when I think to. The past haunts me though. And I can never be in the present. I’ve started to resort to some unhealthy behaviors to distract myself or help me work towards something. I am starting to hate myself so much and feel like there’s no way I’ll ever be able to get out of this loop. I feel like I just can’t do this anymore. Maybe I need to go back on medication. But I don’t know. I don’t really want to. But will I ever fix this without it? Why do I feel SO guilty, all of the time? I do all these things for people because I feel indebted to them, because I feel undeserving of everything. I feel awful about myself. I don’t know what to do. Does anyone else deal with this?

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