is this rocd? please read

Lately, I’ve been overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings that I don’t love my boyfriend and that I don’t care about him. He shares his struggles, he tells me he’s feeling sad or stressed, and I feel like I’m just numb. I don’t feel the concern or compassion that I think I should feel, and it terrifies me. It makes me ask myself: Do I even love him? What if I truly don’t care? He even pointed out that I rarely ask how he’s doing or that it feels like I don’t care about his feelings, and that absolutely broke me. But the worst part is… sometimes, I don’t feel anything when he tells me these things. I feel like I’m empty inside, and I don’t know why. I’m scared that maybe this isn’t ROCD, and it’s just the truth. Maybe I really don’t love him anymore, and I’m just in denial. The lack of emotion feels so real, and it makes me spiral even more. I wonder, What if I’m just a bad person? What if I’m incapable of love or care? I feel like I used to be different. I used to be happy, excited to see him, and now I’m just anxious, irritable, or numb. It’s like I’m losing myself, and I hate it. I hate that I feel this way when he’s such a loving and kind partner who doesn’t deserve this. I’m exhausted from constantly analyzing my feelings, wondering if I’m lying to myself or if my thoughts are the real truth. The line between what’s anxiety and what’s reality feels so blurred. I don’t want to lose him, but these thoughts and feelings are consuming me. Has anyone else felt like this? Is it normal to feel this way with ROCD? How do I deal with this numbness and the fear that it’s all real?

alyssab12

Date posted: 37w

I just got out of a year and a half long relationship because of this. I dealt with all the same things but I was constantly asking him how he was doing. We both have mental problems and past trauma but my ROCD, if it is that, was hurting him constantly and only made him more emotionally damaged so I always had to ask if he was okay. But then he’d start talking to me and I did care but after a few minutes I just got so annoyed and didn’t want to deal with his strong negative emotions anymore, especially if he was really freaking out and going into a breakdown it would just make me angry. The worst part is we are so similar but for whatever reason when he talked a lot or had emotional problems or just was really hyper with energy it irritated me instantly and I felt like I didn’t care, even though I am literally the same way but he handles it all perfectly. The reason my “ROCD”/relationship anxiety got so bad is because I was so back and forth. I’d go from a random horrible episode to feeling happy and better and sooooo in love. I just couldn’t figure out which side was real and which side was in my head, I kept trying to figure it out and convince myself but when 2 polar opposite sides are constantly going back and forth (I’m also bipolar, yay) it’s impossible. I’m trying to believe that I did have genuine love for him and I just didn’t know how to handle an “imperfect” or realistic relationship because it was my first good one and I let my thoughts take over and continuously chip away at my feelings. I could talk alllll day about my situation but the main point is you’re not alone.

Mariabae

Date posted: 37w

@alyssab12 i feel that, i also get very happy randomly after an episode, i didnt get happy and in love for a long time, i just want to be better

alyssab12

Date posted: 37w

@Mariabae Same. It’s especially confusing for me right now because I WANT him to be my right person, us be happy and have the marriage and kids and life we planned because he is genuinely great. But then I get anxious when I say yup I do want him and I’m right back to questioning if I actually do and idk why. I never had this before him so idk what it is about “him” that caused it. Now I feel like we could be really happy, and have a great time sexually, but my brain is currently telling me that there’s no emotional depth even though there has been I just don’t know how to feel it again. It’s a nightmare but hopefully we’ll both figure it out and be able to get better.

Mariabae

Date posted: 37w

@alyssab12 it will be all fine:(

Mariabae

Date posted: 20w

rocd

I just saw my boyfriend, and even though everything was okay on the outside, inside my mind it was a storm. I kept having thoughts like: “You don’t like him.” “You’re not feeling anything.” “You’re pretending.” “You don’t care.” And then, he said something sweet — something that should’ve made me feel happy: “We should marry.” And instead of warmth, I felt anxiety. A pit in my stomach. A voice in my head saying: “You don’t want that.” “You’ll never stay with him.” “If you really loved him, you’d feel joy.” And I hate it. I hate that I’m in this state. I don’t feel connected. I don’t feel clarity. I don’t even know what I feel anymore. I just feel… numb. And the worst part? It feels like I don’t even care. But I know I do. Somewhere, beneath all the noise and panic and obsessive thoughts, I care. I want to feel close to him. I want to stop second-guessing every word, every touch, every thought. This is ROCD. It makes me question everything. It makes me feel like I’m lying — even when I’m not. It steals the moments that should feel warm and turns them into confusion. If anyone else feels this awful mix of numbness, fear, and guilt — please tell me I’m not alone.

Mariabae

Date posted: 15w

i cant do it

I feel like I’m falling apart. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years. He’s kind, loving, supportive — and I know he loves me deeply. But I can’t feel anything anymore. I sit next to him, and I feel numb. I kiss him, and it feels empty. I remember how I used to feel, and now… nothing. It terrifies me. The worst part is that I don’t even know what’s real anymore. I constantly question if I ever loved him, if I’m just forcing things out of guilt or fear. Sometimes I imagine breaking up, and I feel nothing — and that scares me even more. I keep thinking: if I really loved him, wouldn’t I feel it? I’ve read about ROCD. I want to believe that’s what this is. But the thoughts feel so real. And I can’t stop spiraling. My therapist didn’t help — she made me feel like maybe I was lying to myself. My mom either tells me to stop overthinking or gets angry. I have no one to really talk to. If anyone here has been through this — through the numbness, the “what if I never loved him?” thoughts, the feeling like it’s all fake — please tell me how you got through. I’m exhausted. I just want to feel peace again.

Mariabae

Date posted: 13w

i need someone to respond rocd

Today, my boyfriend — who usually doesn’t post much — made a really sweet TikTok with me. He used a trend where he called me his princess and posted it on Close Friends. It was thoughtful and loving… but I felt nothing. And that terrified me. Last night, I looked at him while we were lying in bed and had a thought: “I lost feelings. I don’t like him anymore.” It hit me like a wave, and since then I’ve been so scared that this is all the proof I need that I don’t love him. The worst part? I’m not feeling any positive emotions at all. No joy. No spark. No connection. I’ve been trying so hard for so long to feel something — anything — and I just can’t. I’m scared that the numbness means the love is gone. I’m scared I never truly loved him. I’m scared I’ve just been coping all this time, forcing it. I feel like the relationship is fake, like I’m fake, and everything is falling apart. And still… he keeps showing up for me. He’s loving, kind, and consistent. He tells me how much he loves me. But I can’t feel the warmth anymore, and I don’t know what’s happening to me. I’m miserable, I feel like a shell, and I’m terrified that this is my truth — that I don’t love him and I’m just in denial. I need help. I don’t want to lose him. But I also don’t want to keep living in this constant fear, panic, and emotional numbness. I don’t know what to trust anymore — the thoughts, the feelings, or the memories that feel blurry. Has anyone felt this too?

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