i'm going crazy..

🔞 tw: p0rn there are days when i feel like there is an emptiness inside me. today i relapsed into pornography, after 2 months..like, i always try to avoid pornography, i know the harmful effects (both chemical and physical). I don't know if sometimes it comes back as a "compulsion" due to the horrible thoughts I have. comparing scenarios, seeing if it gives me pleasure.. While I'm thinking about this, many intrusive thoughts come to mind, and i have to 100% avoid any video that refers to an age gap situation (even though i'm always attracted to older people). like, why does my mind insist on telling me that if it were something illegal I would be enjoying it much more?! or creating pedo scenarios.. i know that pornography is not healthy at all for someone with OCD (i have no diagnosis), but i just feel a lot of fear and dread.

Bam bam

Date posted: 34w

Theres nothing wrong with pornography and being attracted to older people

Ishtar._

Date posted: 34w

yes, I know! what gets me are the thoughts that my mind tries to fantasize about after or during this content..to see if i get more "excited" with a pedophilic scenario or with consensual sex. but in truth these thoughts scare me a lot, they horrify me..

Someone99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 34w

Pornography is not healthy for anyone, not just those with OCD. It can certainly be a compulsion and even a way to "medicate". Part of OCD recovery needs to be healthy, "self care". Meaning, filling those voids with healthy activities, diet, exercise, social, etc.

Ishtar._

Date posted: 34w

thank you very much! i also have thoughts comparing scenarios..like, "think about this pedophilic situation to see if you'll like it more than a relationship between adults", and on the contrary, thinking about an adult relationship to see if i feel the same in a pedophilic scenarios. could this be OCD? i swear, i'm so tired! terrified, scared, a certain disgustin, today i feel terrified of not knowing who i really am! these thoughts come to my mind like pornographic films, they could easily be read as a fantasy. they are intrusive, i think, because i don't want them and they give me terror and fear, not to mention anxiety. i just wanted to be normal again.

Someone99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 34w

@Ishtar._ You're "testing", and that's a compulsion, much different than an exposure. Certainly an OCD cycle. From what I understand, you have obsessive tendencies without an OCD diagnosis, only a medical professional can determine that. Me, I have a diagnosis from my therapist of OCD, but a psychologist isn't so sure, but I definitely have obsessive tendencies. Either way, rumination and mental compulsions are my pattern, and ERP has helped me tremendously with that. Firstly, porn is addictive as you know, and dangerous. It alters our neurological pathways much like that of cocaine addiction. I was amazed by that, I'm a recovering porn addict myself. So, please care for yourself by avoiding porn, it certainly may be fueling these thoughts/fantasies. Also, don't test. When the thought "I must be a pedo" pops in your mind, allow it there. Don't react to it, allow it. This does not mean you're agreeing with it, or you are a pedo, anymore than if you had the thought "I am wonder woman" would mean you're wonder woman. Just let it there.

Ishtar._

Date posted: 34w

@Someone99 thank you so much for this! 💕 i would like to hug everyone who suffers from this.. i feel terrible.

Someone99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 33w

@Ishtar._ I know, me too? 🙂

BigGyro09

Date posted: 30w

My issue with porn is that while I still browse it from time to time, I find myself finding results that I don't want to find and they can be very disturbing for me. I'll look for what I think is tame things but then websites that are so unfiltered will give me extremely taboo results or results that have nothing to do with what I'm searching. An example would be a fictional character that I like but it gives me a fictional character I don't know or a character that's clearly a minor and it makes me sick that people are so comfortable illustrating stuff like this featuring fictional minors. I just don't understand it at all. There are people on sites that a lot of people are using and they just seem so nonchalant about weird stuff like this. I still want to be free of porn but at the same time I'm accepting that this is a habit that I've known for a long time and it's not gonna be easy to get out of it completely and there will be times where I go back to it.

Ishtar._

Date posted: 30w

hello! i've been through the same things as you. unfortunately, i got into problematic content very early. i remember that when i was 12, 14 and 15 years old..(i have already consumed incestuous content, because of a situation i went through in my childhood, and it really arroused me, but i knew it was wrong and that's why it didn't affect real life). content that unfortunately involved minors, in hentai format (only once, and i regretted it immediately afterwards..i burst into bitter and very emotional tears) and in erotic literature about 2 times, if i'm not mistaken. it's so terrible! these contents, sometimes, are like clickbait on your page..i know because sometimes i searched for things completely opposite to this and they appeared (even on google). what i want to say to you, too, is that the process of leaving these contents is not easy at all, you are right! but it is necessary. the porn market is an iceberg of problems and inhuman things. sex is like an art, everyone appreciates it in their own way..however, the pornographic market expands these tastes and covers them with criminal and sick fetishisms, with unattainable standards. i don't want to make you feel bad for sometimes not being able to stop using pornography, but rather to try to help you see that this is a hole that only gets deeper.. i could point you to videos, medical papers, scientific articles and various other things pointing out the of pornography in a human brain! i know that getting over this addiction is not easy, but you already have the will and the awareness that it is harmful! this is VERY important! i wish you strength and dedication, and that you won't need it anymore soon. hug! 🫂

BigGyro09

Date posted: 30w

@Ishtar._ I'm really sorry that happened to you when you were a child. I know all about how bad this stuff can get when going deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole. It doesn't even end. The biggest problem with porn is that it's severely unfiltered and sites don't care. You could look for very tame vague things but it will give you something extreme because that's the new norm. Porn basically manipulates a human want for something that's within most of us, but twists it into something that can be used against people, criminally, and violently at the worst cases. It all meshes and it makes things harmful. What's also an absolute failing for us is that it's unfortunately common for a lot of young teenagers to be exposed to this stuff before they have a true understanding of what this all is. They don't know better. They just don't. I remember even breaking down crying after looking for a taboo one time and it made me realize how messed up and serious this can be. It's been really hard to kick the habit for good. I've been slowly trying to kick it out but there are some days where it feels like it's here to stay

SunnyAnon

Date posted: 22w

dealing with OCD flashbacks 18+

i currently am getting over my period and have been having a horrible flashbacks from some real events. it’s a amalgamation of all of the horrible things i did as a child/young teenager. all of it associated with p0rnography + sexual activities i did. i was exposed to sexual activity very young and it lead me down a dark path. i’ve had OCD forever it seems. it’s hard because i can see that i’ve had OCD symptoms since childhood but i constantly doubt wether or not my actions where because of OCD or something i genuinely wanted/was attracted to. i can’t seem to differentiate the two and it’s scaring me. i’m worried i was genuinely into the kind of stuff and it’s constantly flashing in my mind the last two days of things i compulsively did years ago. to be absolutely clear it has been years since i’ve even thought about those taboo things or saw anything of that sort. i’m talking 5 or 6 years give or take. it still feels like yesterday. in recent years i’ve completely pulled away from p0rn and now find it and s3x a lot less appealing. but every so often i get these intense flashbacks on things i did or saw or thought and it puts everything on hold. everything im interested in gets but on the back burner in fear of my intrusive thoughts being thrown into the mix. currently experiencing that now. im mortified of ruining everything i love because of these stupid thoughts. does anyone have any advice or experience with this specifically and have any tips???

Canofbeans

Date posted: 22w

Adult content and OCD (18+)

I thought I'd gotten over sexual obsessions, since they haven't been bothering me at all until I had a flare up yesterday. I usually struggle with masturbation due to a combination of both anorgasmia from SSRI medication along with intrusive thoughts, so I thought that an adult film should work fine and went on the hub as per usual. Everything went well until I "finished" and looked at the video title afterwards. My stomach dropped as the title had the word "teen" it in. I felt nauseous and gross because I'd previously struggled and became horrifically suicidal due to the pocd I thought I had under control. Now I know that by the word teen, it means an adult actress that's 18-19 and I'm only 20. But I can't shake the feeling that I'm gross for watching and that it was illegal material, even though I am fully aware that it wasn't, so I've been ruminating over it endlessly. This is more of a vent, but I feel like all the progress I've made with my ocd just went down the drain ☹️

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 18w

I’m freaking out please help

I don’t know if my hormones are extra wild this month or what, but I have been having so many POCD thoughts lately. It feels like I enjoy them in the moment, and then a few seconds later, I get this tiny flicker of *wait I don’t think I actually want to enjoy that.* It’s scaring me a lot. I was watching adult videos for the first time in about a year, since I had been avoiding them because of my OCD. I know they are not good for anyone, but I felt like i could (ironically it felt like a tiny win that my OCD had calmed down enough). But while watching, I had like 3 separate POCD thoughts. And it felt like I liked them. Like genuinely *liked* them. I don’t know if maybe my body was mixing up physical pleasure and mental pleasure, and then my brain inserted those not okay thoughts into the situation, which got tangled up with the pleasure responses I felt mentally and physically. It is all really confusing. I just feel so scared. I know OCD thoughts are supposed to feel real, and that once you get desensitized to the anxiety, they lose their power. But this feels like I am *actually enjoying* the thoughts, and that makes me want to cry. I’m scared that I actually like these thoughts when I’m really aroused :( Please help.

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