- Date posted
- 40w
i want my life back..
does anyone else suffer from this?! 🔞 tw: p0rn and possible POCD. all i want is to be happy, in all aspects of my life, both personally and professionally. i'm so afraid that i discovered a paraphilia and ruined all my dreams forever...(i haven't been diagnosed yet). i'm afraid of "pretending" to be a good person and having this big dark secret behind it, like pedophilia. of being a troubled and unhealthy person. if i am diagnosed with something related, my life is over. i don't even know what I would do..plans like running away or checking into a clinic are on my mind, and, in the extreme, killing myself. i'm terrified of becoming a consumer of this, of only being arroused by it for the rest of my life.. when i'm with my girlfriend, our intimacy flows quite well. we love each other, i feel safe and happy with her.. i am overcome by an inexplicable euphoria, but these thoughts keep coming to my mind..again and again. so tiring. a few days ago when i relapsed into pornography (on X, old twitter), i ended up seeing a small frame from a video where a woman was intimately touching another woman, and this other woman had braces and had small 🍒(but, you know, we should never trust on porn industries. the problem behind fetishisms is so big that there are big porn companies involved in serious and extremely cruel processes). i know that this doesn't exactly mean being a minor, but these characteristics alone made me panic and then i had thoughts about it, which come in the form of bizarre stories of abuse, but i managed to control them and i was happy! i turned it into a good and safe story. like, why?! why does it seem like i'm repressing this?! why do i seem so hypocritical and lost?! i want my "normal" life back. without anything harmful. i'm sorry if i was too direct or if i triggered anyone! i needed to vent..