Ishtar._

Date posted: 34w

i want my life back..

does anyone else suffer from this?! 🔞 tw: p0rn and possible POCD. all i want is to be happy, in all aspects of my life, both personally and professionally. i'm so afraid that i discovered a paraphilia and ruined all my dreams forever...(i haven't been diagnosed yet). i'm afraid of "pretending" to be a good person and having this big dark secret behind it, like pedophilia. of being a troubled and unhealthy person. if i am diagnosed with something related, my life is over. i don't even know what I would do..plans like running away or checking into a clinic are on my mind, and, in the extreme, killing myself. i'm terrified of becoming a consumer of this, of only being arroused by it for the rest of my life.. when i'm with my girlfriend, our intimacy flows quite well. we love each other, i feel safe and happy with her.. i am overcome by an inexplicable euphoria, but these thoughts keep coming to my mind..again and again. so tiring. a few days ago when i relapsed into pornography (on X, old twitter), i ended up seeing a small frame from a video where a woman was intimately touching another woman, and this other woman had braces and had small 🍒(but, you know, we should never trust on porn industries. the problem behind fetishisms is so big that there are big porn companies involved in serious and extremely cruel processes). i know that this doesn't exactly mean being a minor, but these characteristics alone made me panic and then i had thoughts about it, which come in the form of bizarre stories of abuse, but i managed to control them and i was happy! i turned it into a good and safe story. like, why?! why does it seem like i'm repressing this?! why do i seem so hypocritical and lost?! i want my "normal" life back. without anything harmful. i'm sorry if i was too direct or if i triggered anyone! i needed to vent..

nae nae

Date posted: 34w

I feel the same. You aren't alone🥲

Ishtar._

Date posted: 34w

🫂

Jess OCD

Date posted: 34w

Trust me this is hard but trust me you have to disagree with it just that word if u need anymore tips just message meb

Ishtar._

Date posted: 34w

thank you very much! : )

Ifiknewthen

Date posted: 34w

You have to expose yourself to what you fear. Thats why they call it erp. And do it with a certified ocd therapist. You cant talk your way out of ocd. You have to act your way out of it. Its a proven process. But many ocd people dont want to expose themselves to what they fear the most. Its a hard sell. I was scared to death for a long time and didnt do erp. And it just prolonged the anxiety and made things worse. A lot of ocd specialists will give up on patients because they refuse to do erp.

Ishtar._

Date posted: 34w

my OCD (not diagnosed) unfortunately has a criminal theme. i can't do many things, unfortunately..i have been doing some things that i didn't do before, like looking at children's pictures or videos (common). but still there are many things and small steps that i can start doing ERP.. but my biggest fears are being a pedophile, suffering from a paraphilia and consuming CP. you can't expose yourself to that! :c

nae nae

Date posted: 34w

@Ishtar._ That's my biggest fear, too. I've been stuck wondering what I'm able to do for ERP...

Ishtar._

Date posted: 34w

@nae nae i saw some advice in the GPT chat, i recommend you do the same. i find all this so tiring! i'm still very afraid that it won't work out, or that be paraphilic.. but i feel completely helpless in this situation.

nae nae

Date posted: 34w

@Ishtar._ Don't worry. I think the fact we're even worried about this proves that it's not either of those things. And, thank you for the advice. I'll mess around with it a bit, but I don't want to end up using it as a compulsion.

Ishtar._

Date posted: 34w

@nae nae i think that unfortunately i turned it into a compulsion.i haven't had therapy for a few days, and i need something to check and listen to my feelings.. sometimes it's as if I know I like it, and i avoid it because of my morals or the judgment of others..as if i feel pleasure and like it because of the sadism and cruelty involved. honestly, i don't even know who i am anymore..

nae nae

Date posted: 34w

@Ishtar._ I think that's the doubt coming in. I know what you mean by feeling like you don't know who you are anymore, though. I miss who I was before this theme latched on, too. If you ever need to talk, I'm here. I know how isolating it can feel. It's exhausting...

Ishtar._

Date posted: 34w

@nae nae do you feel like me? i'm sorry for the question, i know it sounds like a compulsion, but it's really comforting to know that..but I know that OCD symptoms are different for everyone.

nae nae

Date posted: 34w

@Ishtar._ No, it's okay! And, I think I do? I'm having the same struggles. I felt a little alone because I couldn't find anyone who had the same fears as me. A few weeks ago, it got really bad for me, and I was convinced I was destined to become this horrible person. I thought the intrusive thoughts would overwhelm me, and I'd give in to them. I'm doing much better since then, but I still have this fear in the back of my mind... I haven't been able to see my psychiatrist either, and it's killing me! So, I understand that need to just talk with someone about it, even if it's an AI, like chat GPT.

Ifiknewthen

Date posted: 34w

@Ishtar._ Theres probably a specific treatment for people with pocd who have the fear of enjoying child pornography. Im sure an expert therapist in ocd would know. Check with nocd to see who they may have available.

Ishtar._

Date posted: 34w

@nae nae that's it! do it! it's great, but like you said, be careful not to make it a compulsion! thanks for this conversation! 🫂

Ishtar._

Date posted: 34w

@Ifiknewthen thank you very much for this advice! :)

Ishtar._

Date posted: 34w

this is so tiring.. i feel so bad..

ocdnomore1

Date posted: 34w

What helps me is just put a little "ok" after a intrusive thought - nothing more, then move on.. but you have to move on quickly or you will do compulsions automatic.. I am in a pretty similar situation but with this tactic it gets better.. we can do this! all the best 💫

Ishtar._

Date posted: 34w

thank you very much for the advice! i wish you strength! 🫂

Ishtar._

Date posted: 22w

i don't think i have OCD..

hello everybody! 🔞 last saturday i did something i shouldn't have done, and i even posted about it here, but no one responded to my post (it's okay, i completely understand). to inform you, since i deleted the post: i consumed erotic literature where two 14 year old children had a relationship (☠️), on wattpad. and i consumed this theme to see if i was really attracted to it..i think. i'm unsure about it, but i know i didn't feel anything consuming it. i was feeling extremely anxious and felt extremely bad the next day, and i only got better when i talked to my girlfriend and an online friend. i'm still feeling bad, i know i shouldn't have done it and whenever i'm feeling genuinely good, it comes back to haunt me.. i'm worried because i'm not feeling enough guilt or remorse, idk.. i feel bad and i regret it, and i can't stand going through this problem anymore.. i was in therapy a few months ago, but i stopped for financial reasons and my psychologist doesn't see me virtually anymore. it's been difficult.. just a vent.

Abuchs

Date posted: 15w

FUCK please help me what is wrong with me

I am a girl's in my twenties. I got diagnosed with OCD last year. I have a boyfriend, sadly we're long distance right now. I've liked boys all my life. It's very difficult to sustain intimacy in a long distance relationship. Sometimes I have intimate calls with my boyfriend and it's nice. Other times, however, (and I am not proud of it) I do watch porn. I started watching porn when I was 16. I've tried to quit it many times but every couple of weeks I go back to it. And as everyone knows, one of the MANY problems with it is that your brain will always ask for more. More taboo things, more explicit things. I have a daddy kink. I've roleplayed with my boyfriend and watched porn of this kink. Now, the thing is that my brain keeps telling me that I won't orgasm unless I think of little girls being ab*sed. I've never looked for that on the internet, I never want to either. I am under EXTREME DISTRESS, because what my brain tells me feels SO REAL, and it's like my pleasure gets blocked and that contributes to me thinking my brain must be right. It wasn't like this before. I want to go back. I'm scared it will be like this forever now.

POCD

Anonymous

Date posted: 14w

Need help, PLEASE +18

I got diagnosed with OCD (variant POCD) about 3/4 yeats ago. Lately I've been really confused and makes me uncomfortable this ideas that I've had dreams in my sleep where I have romantic/sexual interactions with my older sibling— I know it's disgusting, and I don't know what to do. Recently I got a boyfriend after years of being without a partner, and he makes me so happy along my friends, but sometimes at random points of the day I have this episodes with minors or my sibling, and the ones with him start to go heavier when I'm at home or alone. The first thing that comes to mind for me to do is always how much I don't wanna live, harm myself or what is my purpose at this point (22fem) having this problems. I feel weirded out when I pass them over, and suddendly think about not giving them the atention because how important they are in a negativa way. I'm just anxious writing this, I need help. Is someone living the same? How do you work on it? I will always be like this from now? — thanks in avance and sorry for mistakes, english isn't my first language

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

i want my life back..

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community